SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

More than a month since D day of finding my wife having an EA with a colleague. I was already having a lot of mental issues and this had spiralled me to near suicide .

I still forgave her and tried to move on but then I started getting flashes of what happened and get into outbursts and lash out at times. She is angry because I can't just let it go and am trying to make her feel bad every minute instead of healing.

Noone in mine or her family seem to understand the emotions I'm going through and they just want me to reconcile for the sake of kids . My only support is the reddit on-line community.

I bought a copy of not just friends which will arrive by international mail and then audio book of " how to help spouse heal from your affair" .

She tried listening to if but said it's triggering and it's spiralling her depression even more. I tried listening and ironically she is doing everything that's told as a wrong approach done by betrayers.

She feels that I can't force her to go through it for my sake.. she is calling it as a torture to remind her of her infidelity. I don't know what to do now

I am so sorry for you that your wife refuses to acknowledge her role in causing you pain.

I am speaking from experience here. If the cheater refuses to admit to cheating, especially an EA, they will most likely cheat again. If they want to "pretend nothing happened" and force you "to get over it" then IMO it is a huge mistake.

My H had a 4 year (yes 4 year) EA he refused to admit was cheating. I KNEW it was going on but he was dismissive, gaslit and stonewalled me.

He did NOTHING to help me heal or change his behavior. Which led to another EA turned physical affair that almost resulted in our D.

I would suggest that your wife needs professional counseling. Her avoidance is only going to cause more problems for you and it will negatively impact your relationship.

I would also suggest that you seek professional counseling to have someone to support you.

Unfortunately the cheaters oftentimes try to avoid the consequences of their decision to cheat. And that is just not going to work for the betrayed in the long run. My mistake was not holding my H accountable for his EA. And looking back I now see how nothing changed - he just got Better at hiding his EAs until the day his EA turned physical and his midlife crisis affair was going to lead to a divorce.

I hope this helps you.

I tried listening and ironically she is doing everything that's told as a wrong approach done by betrayers.

And so it will continue if she doesn't heed the advice of the book.

I think you should read the detain and torture section of that book several times. Really absorb it. That's what you'll get if she continues to ignore that book.

4. Make a bungled, haphazard effort to save the marriage.

This option is usually chosen by a well-intentioned partner who is clueless about the depth of the damage caused by his/her unfaithful behavior. In his or her efforts to calm the hurt-ing partner, the betrayer ofen says things like, “You should be over this by now” or, “I said I was sorry!” or, “What else do you want me to do? I can’t take it back.” The rely-on-my-own- judgment approach usually magnifies the pain and leads to a more drawn out blood-letting of the marriage until it dies. I call this the “Detain and Torture Option."

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:42 PM, Tuesday, June 4th]

I still forgave her and tried to move on but then I started getting flashes of what happened and get into outbursts and lash out at times.

You might have transactionally said the words "I forgive you" but you haven’t forgiven her in any important sense. Nor are you likely to at the moment based on her actions.

So telling her you forgave her was likely not the truth, and it didn’t help anything. Better to sit down and explain you haven’t.

I did the same thing about a week or so after wife’s A. Mistake.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 9:47 PM, Tuesday, June 4th]

My FWH thought that book was harsh in the early days….but, I don’t know of a WS who doesn’t feel that way. Give it time. You’re early days yet.

I think it's very common for not just WS, but even BS (especially EA only BS) to think perhaps the book is too heavy handed (and if you aren't religious, too religious). It's just also extremely accurate, and you'll find yourself quoting it back to your wife in a year when she is still rugsweeping.

You can forgive everything up to and including murder if you want but that doesn't make someone remorseful.

If she's unwilling to look at the damage she caused there's no way to repair that. You can't fix a busted home blindfolded.