SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi!
I am new here, so please let me know if I make any mistakes and I apologize in advance.
I am married for 11 years, together for 14. Both me and my husband make a great team in everything. We started from having too little and we managed to get almost everything we wanted. We are doing everything together and we have gone through some tough situations over the years, but we always had each other's back. There was always communication, good sex, having fun, the occasional arguments, but nothing any other couple won’t have. In the beginning of this year his father went through some serious health problems which caused my husband a lot of stress and anxiety(he suffers from anxiety and panic attacks), mostly because they have a strong bond and all the pressure was on him. I focused all my energy in supporting him, but somehow I neglected him as well, trying to support his parents as well and solve any problems that occurred and were solvable. Because of that we stopped talking about how WE feel and how this affects us as a couple, and he closed off to me, to not put more pressure on me. To give you a whole picture he always put me first, because of him living with anxiety since he was 19 and knowing how to cope with it, he didn’t always tell me when he was down because he says I do a lot for him and I don’t need to have this on my shoulders as well. To get back to the story…he closed down completely and I missed it…being too focused on getting everything sorted for his father to get better. His father did get better and I started noticing my husband being "strange", more time on the phone, not really present when we were together, small things. In May I found out, by accident that he met with a coworker in a park and they kissed. When confronted, he told me that they met only once and they kissed, nothing more. He did it because he wanted to talk about anything else than his father dying, doctors, diets and because he felt useless, he got so scared about loosing his father and I did everything right but he didn’t have anyone to tell his pain too. He said that I have every right to do anything, including divorce because he messed up, he was glad I found out so things won’t go further than kissing. i decided to try and get past this, because in a way he was right, he did betray me but we do amazing things while together. My problem now is, that even though we are back to being awesome together, sometimes when he is out with his friends my insecurities kick in and I get suspicious on everything. He didn’t give me any reasons to doubt him again..but I cannot control it. Is it normal? Will this ever go away? We do love each other and make a perfect team. At home and when we are together I feel happy and and at peace, but if he goes out…

Welcome to SI and so very sorry that you're joining us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we recommend new members read. There are some posts with bull's eye icons that have some good advice, too. The Healing Library is another great resource and includes the list of acronyms that we use.

Is it normal? Will this ever go away?

Yes, this is normal. Whether it goes away or not depends. I suggest IC (individual counseling) for you, with a betrayal trauma specialist if you can. Infidelity is trauma and your feelings are because you haven't been able to process through your trauma.

He didn’t give me any reasons to doubt him again

From what you've written, he hasn't given you reasons to trust him again. Has he completed a written timeline of this A (affair) with dates, times and feelings/thought process? Is he in IC to figure out why he allowed himself to have an A? Then, he needs to work on becoming a safe partner and on his anxiety. Also, it's rare for the WS (wayward spouse) to admit it was only kissing and for it to be only kissing. It's possible that there's more to it and your gut (intuition) is letting you know there's more.

He should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

but he didn’t have anyone to tell his pain to

Yes, he did. He had you, and probably several other friends that he could have spoken to about his problems. Having an A isn't a mistake or messing up - it is a series of decisions to cheat. He chose to do this and if he doesn't fix his coping mechanisms, he's at risk of doing it again.

Sorry that you're here.

Hi Burningwater,

Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry you have reason to find yourself here but I'm glad that you found us. We are a wonderful resource for commiserating about how difficult this is (it's hard to imagine the breadth and depth of the devastation infidelity can cause unless you've been through it yourself), providing support, and comparing experiences and strategies. I know this all feels incredibly unique and specific to you, one thing you will find the more you read here is how similar the experience of betrayal can be from person to person, and perhaps more importantly, how similar the 'script' wayward can seem to follow in the aftermath of D-day (discovery day, or the day that the affair was discovered).

A few things about your story stick out.

1. You appear to be blaming yourself and your failure to notice your husband's struggles for his affair. Please stop this, immediately if not sooner! None of us are perfect spouses all the time (or ever), but that doesn't give him license to go outside the marriage. I get it, it's a way for you to feel a sense of control during a time where everything seems to be in flux, but that's just an illusion. The reality is that nothing you did or didn't do caused your husband to cheat. NOTHING. You can own your part of any marriage issues, but he owns his cheating 100% - full stop.

2. I don't know how the 'kissing in the park' thing was discovered but your husband has only admitted what you already know and nothing else. That's not a good sign. One thing that's common to 100% of cheaters is that they lie (to their spouses, their affair partners (APs), and to themselves. The number one lie we hear here is "there wasn't sex" followed by "okay, it was sex but it was only once". I'm not saying its impossible that your spouse was being entirely truthful about this and you are one of the luckiest people in the world that you stumbled on this the first time that it ever happened.... but what is more likely is that there is more to the story. There are usually a million teeny line crosses before things get physical and things get physical, things usually progress quickly especially if there is opportunity. I say this gently, but both you and your husband should likely get tested for STIs to be safe.

3. The AP (affair partner) is a coworker. I assume that means that he still sees her regularly. If you want to reconcile your marriage any continued contact between your spouse and his AP needs to be an absolute "no go". You will not be able to feel safe in your marriage with her in your orbit, no matter what he's telling you. Please know I say this as someone whose spouse also cheated with a coworker. Is your husband able to change jobs or work locations? How can you be assured that they are not seeing each other? Keep in mind, their relationship was obviously able to progress to this point in their current arrangement.

4. Speaking of AP, is she married/in a relationship? If so, I highly recommend notifying the OBS (other betrayed spouse) as soon as you can (and without telling your spouse about it first). It will blow up her life a little and will mean that her attention is focused on her spouse rather than trying to woo your husband back. I made a lot of mistakes, but telling the OBS almost immediately was the best thing I did post-d-day. It meant that my husband and his coworker other woman (COW) were not able to get their stories straight and I ended up getting a lot of information that would likely have been minimized or obfuscated early on rather than. I'm a firm believer that you cannot forgive or heal from something you don't know has happened. New disclosures will set your healing back to zero and so if there is more so much better to learn the whole story NOW rather than months or years from now when you thought you were reconciling. Looping OBS into the whole thing also meant that there was an extra set of eyes watching AP going forward which provided me some comfort.

5. The way you're feeling right now is incredibly normal. If you weren't feeling this way I'd be concerned for you. 2-5 years (YEARS!) is the average/normal time estimate it takes to heal following betrayal. I know that sounds incredibly dramatic and overwhelming at the moment but it's true. There is no skipping steps in any of this You may feel that he's more likely to "pick you" if you do your best to swallow the way you're feeling and push it down, in the hopes that things will go back to "normal" (we call this "rugsweeping" by the way), but I promise you that doesn't work. Not dealing with this wont actually go away or resolve. Your feelings and fears will fester and get bigger turn to resentment that will be present all the time and will impacting every part of your life. He will have no one holding his feet to the fire and will not actually have any motivation to "do the work" necessary to become a safe partner and fix the things that are broken in him that left him vulnerable to cheating, which will always make him vulnerable to doing it again. He will eventually become irritated that you "cant seem to let this go" and eventually become indignant when you continue to bring it up. Rugsweeping may seem like a good idea in the short term, but I cannot tell you how many people who do it find themselves here decades later still absolutely haunted and torn apart by issues that did not got properly addressed and did not magically go away on their own.

6. Further to the above, what is he DOING going out with friends mere months after d-day. He just got caught cheating! His entire world right now should revolve around trying to comfort you and make sure you feel safe. There is ZERO benefit to you in being the chill, lackadaisical, "cool girl" wife right now. You already played that role and this is what it got you. You need to have a million hard, uncomfortable conversations. You should be unapologetically making new rules and boundaries that make you feel safe. Things like zero secrecy around his phone should be a non-starter. You should have access to all of his accounts and passwords. He should be notifying you of any contact at all from female friends or colleagues. If he objects to any of this, he either doesn't understand what he's caused, or he doesn't care.

7. Not only is it normal to not trust him right now, it is SMART. You are right not to trust him at the moment. Whatever he says, this wasn't a momentary . It was a lot of big and little decisions and moments over time where he knew he was pushing boundaries but happily creeped over them. At the very least, he spent months messaging and opening up to this woman behind your back at the expense of intimacy in your relationship. Trust takes a second to break and a AGES to build back. The only thing that works is transparency and consistency over time.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a lecture or an over-the-top screed when all you wanted to was a hug and for someone to reassure you it was going to be okay and that you could go back to the life you thought you had. Unfortunately your old marriage, is over and it isn't coming back. Building a new marriage is possible if both partners are committed and all in (i'm living proof of this!) but that is not going to happen overnight. Check out the healing library, there is a lot of really useful information /articles there and read the stories of others. I think you will be surprised at how much of yourself and your husband you see in them.

Best of luck and keep posting.

Oops, double posted.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 10:49 PM, Friday, July 5th]

We aren't so different in our story. It might only be a kiss. It might be more.

My standard advice is to run if you don't have kids.

Reconciliation even from this is 2-5 years. Didn't be fooled that it being "just a kiss" will make this easy.

On my way out, but a couple of things:

1. Your husband should not have any contact with this woman again. Do you know who she is? Is she married? If he still works with her, the affair could be ongoing and taken underground. I'd ask him to find another job.

2. "just kissed once" is the same BS line many of us here were told only to find out later there was much, much more. Cheaters lie and rarely, if ever, tell the entire story.

3. Do not ever accept blame for his actions. Ever. Gently, he's full of sh*t that he had no one else to talk with. How's about a close male friend?

4. Emergent said exactly what I was going to say. Listen please.

5. Is he completely transparent giving you access to his phone, social media, emails, voicemails, his whereabouts at all times?

6. I'd put an end to going out with friends for the time being, he needs to be focused on you and the marriage.

7. Both of you seek counseling and get tested for STDS.

Typical cheater. Typical behavior.

Too many people here at SI were told it was "only a kiss" and it was soooooo much more. Not saying he’s lying but saying you may not have the entire truth.

Case in point; my H came home and admitted being with "someone else" but it was "nothing". 20 days later I’m being kicked up the curb for the much younger OW.

He’s going out??? Hmmmmmm how does that help you ? It doesn’t. He knows it. But he does it anyway. I’m sorry but that is rather selfish. And if you are not comfortable saying something because you need him NOT to go out with his friends, then you are not Reconciling.

You are rug sweeping to make him feel better.

And that will not help you heal from this.

I hope this helps you. Because his excuse for cheating about his father being ill is just an excuse. He wanted to run from reality because he cannot cope with life’s issues. The real question is why did he choose to cheat as HIS way of dealing with life’s challenges?

Is he in counseling to try to figure that out? Is he telling you now "he’s good and you can trust him"? If so, he’s lying to himself too.

If he feels he can just get this to blow over then he’s not putting YOU first. Your healing is the most important.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:23 PM, Sunday, July 14th]

Is he 13 and in middle school? Adults don’t meet in a park to kiss, and that was the only time? Affairs don’t work that way. Once the physical side starts, it escalates rapidly.

He is lying to you. You know this because he is rugsweeping and getting back to normal so quickly.

I know it’s so hard, but he isn’t at all who you think he is. You want to see him as the H you’ve always known, but he isn’t at all.

Do you have anything? Did he give you his phone access, all passwords to all SM/email? Does he have his location on at all times? Is he doing anything at all?

His father dying is rough, but it’s a pathetic excuse, especially with the I had no one to share my pain with line. So he gets to blame you and have his affair, and get away Scott free. It’s all good, going to go grab beers with the boys, glad that silliness is behind us.

He lied to you. You know it. It’s proven that he can lie to you, that he can go meet another woman and "kiss" her and still come home and look you in the eyes as if nothing is going on.

Trust his actions not his words. Sure you might be the exception in that everything is as it seems. I thought the same about my situation. I believed she would never, and i certainly didn’t believe she would have sex with her AP and then come home to the family as if nothing happened. Her actions during the A proved to me she was lying but I was so blind and I believed her words.

I am saying this because I know and understand what it’s like to have your head in the sand, how desperate it feels to believe it was nothing and everything will get back to normal. What it feels like to have your partner and team and it’s as it was before. It’s not. Even if the small chance his story is completely true, it’s still cheating, it’s still a massive betrayal, and the damage done is way deeper than either of you are willing to admit.

I am sorry, you’re only just beginning to scratch the surface. There is way more than what you know.

I'm truly sorry you find yourself here.

May I ask how you found out about the meeting in the park and kissing? Was it by your own eyes or did someone tell you?

To heal, you need to process the pain you feel out of your body. A good IC can help.

Your WS has to change from betrayer to good partner. That almost requires a good IC. It's not a matter of just saying, 'I won't cheat again.'

I urge you to read NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's not a new book, but it continues to be directly relevant to our healing.

Also, think about this: your WS didn't simply invite ow to the park to steal a kiss. For ow to go to the park with him, there almost had to have been mutual interest in a relationship outside of work. That's the problem - that your WS wanted an outside relationship. That's why he needs to change himself. That's why he's responsible for his own cheating.

The A is probably more than a kiss (though there's a chance he's being honest). Whatever it is, though, it's on him. Nothing you did or didn't do made him cheat.

IDK what's best for you. Everything you've written says 'red flag'. Everything you've written says to me that both R and D are possible.

How are you holding up burningwater?

I hope we did not scare you away.

Hi Everyone!

Thanks for all the support and advice! It’s been nice to have someone understand!
Overall I am better, sometimes it gets bad as doubts and anger surface, but since I posted here we had a lot of talks, all of them about feelings and how we will go forward. I told him about my insecurities when he goes out and he is understanding, he won’t go out by himself until I feel ok. We took some time off, and spent it doing stuff together and talking and…reconnecting. I finally understood that this won’t go overnight and ar least he now knows more about what I feel and he is there. We promised to do do everything to leave this behind and move forward. I know that this is another relationship for both of us and as much as it pains me that what we had is , I hope the new one will be better and if God forbid it won’t work, at least I will know I tried.

About the questions, the other is single, she quit her job recently, has 1 more week of notice, which works wonders for my soul! About therapy, we talked about it, we will have this summer for ourselves, and we are both thinking to start individual therapy.

You are an amazing community! I never believed I will feel all this support, considering I didn’t talk about this even with my best friend!

Saying he's sorry, and won't do it again,isn't enough. You can start a new relationship, but he's still the same guy who chose to cheat.

What work is he doing on himself to become a safe partner?

Talks are garbage. Don’t fall his lies. You really think he meet her in a public park and only kissed her one time? It’s an affair, when they are kissing in a park it has gone to a point where they are comfortable doing that. With a cheater you need to assume the absolute worst is true.

He is placating you. Why did it take you talking to him to stop going out?

I know it hurts. I know how much you want to believe him. I promise you, you are only scratching the surface and there is way more than you know.

We promised to do do everything to leave this behind and move forward.

Yeah, it doesn't work this way. I'm going with the other posters who said it might be more than a kiss. I hope it was only that, but steel yourself for the possibility. If you go through the deep recesses of the JFO forum, you will see a pattern among WS's. Look up Mr.Fibble and read his story. Spend long enough here and you'll realize there is often always more to the story.

You are still in the shock phase of the process, and like many of us, just want our old lives back. It's perfectly understandable. Don't be surprised when you get to the anger stage. That was my first one after Dday#2. Good luck and keep posting. Despite the anonymity of this place, we really do care.

Please know we are all coming from kindness. We all thought it was only a kiss. Or they never had sex, or it was only one time. Ask yourself how many people here only have one dday?

None. Maybe the rare on night stand that was confessed to immediately, but that is like one in a thousand. 2 ddays is very common as well as 3.

Read my story. You can see my R die in real time.

I thought I was going to beat the odds,

That I had that unicorn spouse. God knows, what she told me was bad enough I couldn’t even imagine what she hadn’t told me.

I promise you from experience and the thousands of stories I have read it wasn’t just a kiss in the park and he is lying to you and

doing whatever he can to protect himself but still have his cake.

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 5:06 AM, Monday, July 15th]

Sorry you had to find us.

I will chime in with the others.

In May I found out, by accident that he met with a coworker in a park and they kissed. When confronted, he told me that they met only once and they kissed, nothing more.

My FWS also met up with her AP at a very public park, in the middle of the day, a place where families with young children, like ours was at the time, visit quite heavily, this was summer, school was out, so it had to be busy with kids all over the place.

They still found a place to have her perform oral sex! Outside of the car!

They later met up at a different park, way more private, much more secluded, not heavily frequented due to very limited parking, lots of secluded trails.

No sex at all. He wanted it, but she had started to try to figure out a way out of the affair.

They did have sex again later at different locations.

When she revealed all of this, after lying thousands of times (no exaggeration), it made no sense to me at all.

Later, I found out that none of this is unusual, particularly using public parks for locations to have sex. Around a 18 months later I found this forum, and pretty much everyone here could have told me that.

Now, your WS may be the exception, of which there are a few, or, like me, you will find out 9 years later that your WS lies much more frequently and effectively than you could possibly imagine.

Our stories are very similar. Solid 20+ year relationship, then family member dying of cancer took all our bandwidth and ramped up my husband’s anxiety, and he had a 6-month affair with a coworker that I stumbled upon by accident when I was looking at our phone bill.

The likelihood your husband is lying to you about it being just a kiss is very, very high. My husband is not normally a liar—in fact, I would always have said that honesty was a core trait of his—but people lie about affairs. They just do. Mine lied and gaslit me to no end until I found proof, which was absolutely the most destructive part of the affair. Use your common sense. The chances of him kissing in the park just that one time and you finding out and it being nothing more are very, very, low.

You can recover and heal and reconcile after an affair, but you can’t do that if you don’t know the truth and if you sweep it under the rug in a misguided attempt to put it behind without actually dealing with it.

I’m so sorry you’re here. Betrayal and infidelity are devastating and so very painful. But don’t believe him right now. Look into the story more.

Hi there, I am a newly BS (about 9 months out from Dday)

I will have to agree wit others, my H told me originally she was just a friend, then that they talked just a little bit inappropriately but never crossed the line, then it became they had sex but just a few times, then it turned out he saw her twice a week, originally no hotels just the car, then came the woods, and then a few hotels, then the drugs.

Trickle truth is the absolute worst and I also had to PULL this information out of my H. We went to Marriage counseling and I remember calling my counselor because we were in crisis because then came the last piece of the A and that was the cocaine use....

I am not saying that your H affair was that bad or had that many layers, it is just very unlikely that it only had one.

Take care.