SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Husband was being weird with his phone since just after our son was born. We had a difficult first baby so I chalked it up to him probably stress-venting to his friends and didn't want me to read that. I had no reason not to trust him, until I saw him looking at half naked women on Instagram one night and asked him not to like the photos. This man really said, "I'm liking the photos to show her support."

First of all, neither of us are teenagers and neither of us are that stupid. I was so insulted. I told him as much and he laughed. This was asshole behavior but I ignored it because we had just had to re-home one of his dogs for trying to bite our 3 month old. I knew he was likely angry about having to do that but felt like it would be shitty to say that out loud, so I let it slide until I absolutely couldn't anymore and I screenshotted a bunch of photos of half naked men I had liked on Instagram and he responded to that text that he would like me to stop doing that. It felt petty and childish but I thought it worked.

I got pregnant with our 2nd child and I thought we had resolved everything. We certainly had talked everything to death. I had full access to his phone again. He went and got a vasectomy and handed me his phone in the waiting room. I found an escorts email saved to his contacts. I googled her and it showed she travels to our state often.

Now, after the screaming and packing my bags died down. He cried (I know this doesn't absolve him or mean anything), he suggested couples therapy, and he said he didn't want the kids to grow up with 2 homes, didn't want to lose his best friend, yadda yadda.

This was last year in November. I am still here. I feel pathetic. I love him but he has proven he can't be trusted, he lies by omission all the time, he gives me trickle-truth about every aspect of his life. His family says that's how he's always been. He's a private person and a little weird, socially awkward, almost no friends.

I also don't know how he could've paid for the escort because she's expensive and we don't have money like that. I know how much debt we have, I know what his credit score is and have access to all that info. So I'm inclined to believe him that they never met up and her email was saved because he sent her an email but then immediately regretted it, deleted it, never thought about it again. I have logged into every social media he has, I have pulled all the deleted data from every platform that would let me, I can't find any other reason to not believe him on this.

I have had multiple STD checks and I was virgin when I met him. I am completely clean.

My issue is that I have so much pride and this is really causing an internal conflict for me, because I would've told this man to kick rocks if we hadn't already built this life together. I do love him, more than anyone else in this world, but sometimes just looking at his face pisses me off. We will go weeks feeling normal and then it will just hit me that he was "curious" about an escort, meanwhile he had me. I know it's not a reflection on me, but I'm saying how do I believe he loves me when he's capable of having those thoughts and ideas about someone else, knowing it would hurt me?

I just don't feel loved in return. He is a provider, a great dad, handsome, thoughtful in most every other aspect of our relationship, he spoils me, he listens to every word I say. I don't think he's my friend. I can't trust him. But how do I throw away our entire 8 year relationship and traumatize our children just because I'm *uncomfy*? And I don't think I want to leave anyway. I feel like I'm living a nightmare. I just want him to go back in time and undo whatever he did.

We have been to couples therapy a few times since then. I don't find them helpful. In fact, I find they make me feel embarrassed and resentful and angry that he is more willing to be open when there is a 3rd party stranger there. We are having the exact same conversations but he's talking MUCH more than usual. I know that's good but it's also irritating.

Sorry to find you a member here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum and some with bull's eye icons that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources, and includes the list of acronyms we use.

Usually, I encourage that you each do IC (individual counseling) and save MC (marriage counseling) for later. Your M didn't cheat. MCs have a tendency to shift some of the blame onto you. Unfortunately, you can't turn back time - you can only go forward.

saved to his contacts

I've sent emails to many people..no email address is automatically saved in the contacts. You have to take certain steps to add them as a contact.

You'd be surprised the sneaky things they do, to get what they want. He found the money. Maybe it was "just" once. But it's not the result of a deleted email.

He's not safe. He's not respecting you. You need to stand up and demand what you deserve.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:31 AM, Saturday, July 20th]

he has proven he can't be trusted, he lies by omission all the time, he gives me trickle-truth about every aspect of his life. His family says that's how he's always been. He's a private person and a little weird, socially awkward, almost no friends.

Here’s the thing - you are expecting him to change. But his history tells you something different.

His family says that's how he's always been. He's a private person and a little weird, socially awkward, almost no friends

.

I hope he does change. And it’s not a temporary thing just to keep you from leaving.

You know who you control? You, that’s who you control. If he can’t fix his mess you certainly can’t. You do not have the ability to make a cheater and a liar be better. That is on him.

What you can do is decide how much you are willing to put up with.

So sorry you're dealing with this. Many of us here have loads of experience with wayward husbands with a thing for internet models, escorts and all the rest. They find ways to pay for it. One guy saved up visa gift cards in small amounts over months until he had enough, another guy sold scrap metal until he'd amassed the funds. Where there's a will there's a way.

I don't mean to pile on but as most of us here will tell you, what you've found is usually only the tip of the iceberg. It always starts with, "I was curious, but I didn't actually meet up in person..." Sadly, it usually ends with, he did.

I don't think he's my friend. I can't trust him. But how do I throw away our entire 8 year relationship and traumatize our children just because I'm *uncomfy*?

You're not "uncomfy," you're betrayed and justifiably angry. Children aren't necessarily traumatized by divorce. Happier parents can make for happy kids. And, who knows what watching your mother live in anger, insecurity and betrayal does to kids. It can't be good.

But you also say you don't want to split up. It's a terrible place to be. I desperately didn't want to end my marriage. I loved my XH, and I didn't want to be alone as I was nearing 60. It's a blindside. Give yourself time and get all the support you can.

You're not "uncomfy;" you're experiencing cognitive dissonance.

You have proof that your husband hooked up with an escort. You also have good reason to believe that he has been unfaithful in the past as well. But accepting these facts would force you to make difficult and scary decisions. So you're trying to convince yourself that this was a one-time thing and he didn't go through with it. But you know that isn't true.

I just don't feel loved in return. He is a provider, a great dad, handsome, thoughtful in most every other aspect of our relationship, he spoils me, he listens to every word I say. I don't think he's my friend. I can't trust him.

This is like saying, "I love this car. It's gorgeous, it has great gas mileage, it can fit all my stuff, it's got heated seats, and the car seats fit perfectly... except the breaks don't work. Every time I step on the gas, I worry that I'm going to end up wrapped around a tree."

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:29 PM, Wednesday, July 24th]