Groot, hope this response doesn't feel like I'm getting all judgmental and preachy. If I didn't believe human beings have the capacity to change and improve, I wouldn't be posting here. Certainly wouldn't have reconciled with my betrayer if I didn't possess firm faith in a functional individual's ability to learn to choose the right thing, to become a BETTER human being. I'm not discounting the trauma you're struggling with. This wedding is throwing you for a loop. But remember, as you've observed, YOU and H are BOTH growing and learning from this experience. Not sure how old you are, but it feels like you're also maturing, learning some hard life lessons along the way. For example, what a real friend looks like. And WHO is worthy of your investment of precious energy and emotions. In my experience, it takes time and wisdom to differentiate REAL friends from those who are friends via circumstance, convenience, shared history etc.
I look at their entire relationship differently now
Not saying that your friendship with this gal isn't REAL (to you) but maybe now that you've gained some wisdom SPECIFICALLY about how the selfish shit storm of infidelity can destroy everything in it's path - not just primary relationships, but workplaces, families and FRIENDS - the true nature of this gal, AND YOUR H's BROTHER are becoming clear. Bet you're questioning not only their relationship, but you're taking an honest look at them as individual humans. And you don't like what you're seeing.
I always thought it was crappy but it didn’t affect me
Groot, bottom line - many people don’t feel terribly conflicted about being friends with cheaters, until cheating happens to them.
Bear with me while I talk about myself for a sec.......I also bought into this crappy laissez-faire approach. Until infidelity happened to me - I survived splitting with a cheater BF (my first true love, ohhhboy I thought he was the one) after a four year relationship - back in my mid twenties. So-called friends claiming neutrality ("we love both of you" "we want you both to be happy - why can't you just let this go") while I vomited gut wrenching pain in front of their noses was bad enough. The eventual ghosting by those Switzerland Friends added to the trauma. In hindsight, there was a team Boundary Builder and a team ex-boyfriend. There was no DMZ or neutral position a true friend who shared my values would claim. If they weren't on team Boundary Builder I should have cut them out right away. I would have healed faster. The few friends who did side with team Boundary Builder are still my friends today. Yes, as the years marched on my circle of friends got smaller and smaller. This is not unusual - most friends in my age cohort experienced this shrinking. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. As I matured ( I'm still maturing lol), I learned DISCERNMENT as to who was true friend material. I learned to EDIT who would be in my inner circle. I also learned to hold myself to a higher standard when it came to including cheaters in my friend group, and made amends with a couple of people I'd thoughtlessly Swiss Friend zoned.
She told me that her issues with him these past 6 months was because of the stress my H affair had on them and that is the day I never talked to her about them again.
I didn’t want her to be able to blame me for their issues. Then 3 months later because of "not listening to our crap they are happier than ever"
What is wrong with this picture, dear Groot? Hint - you are confiding your soul destroying pain about H's betrayal to a KNOWN CHEATER. Someone who was willing to inflict that very same pain on another human being. Someone who was willing to blow up a friend group, and potentially cause problems between two BROTHERS to get what she wanted. Someone who "can’t hold a job, very immature, materialistic, dreamer all of that." Yet this dodgey person is characterized as "a really good friend." (!!!!). Pushing back on this sentiment a bit - is she really a good friend? Yeah we all want easy friendships with the lead singer in the band, FUN folks to vacation with, people game to get matching tattoos. You share history with her. But does she share your values? When push comes to shove, can you really rely on her to have your back? To show up for you when things are bad? Doesn't sound like it. As HINHF said, she's blaming you for her relationship problems. She doesn't want to hear about your pain.
BIL is culpable here as well. Is this the same brother who is a "friend of the marriage" - who your H felt accountable to when confessing his selfish choices? There's something wrong with this picture as well! The brother was not only willing to blow up your friend group, he chose to get involved with the WIFE of his brother's best friend! BIL's relationship with GF is a "mess." Yes, he's your H's brother. You can't "edit" family the same way you can edit friends. FOO and friends are indeed different, but you and H can still have standards and boundaries around how to interact with family members who choose infidelity. It's okay to take a stand. What that looks like I dunno. Being honest about your feelings, that you don't condone relationships built on the pain of others is a good start. Choosing friends who have a clear moral compass and aren’t afraid to call infidelity the shit storm it is could be another option.
Groot, IMO this situation is bigger than simply figuring out how to participate (or not) in the BIL's wedding. Knowing what you know now, and feeling how you feel now, will you and H continue rug sweeping BIL's behavior? Will the GF still be in your inner circle? Big decisions ahead. Eventually.....you and H must sort your own marriage first. And must both be on the same page about how to handle the impending marriage. Maybe their "fairy tale" will blow up sooner rather than later? What you describe doesn't bode well. One can hope.
Reading your post I couldn't help but think about your H's former Best Friend. Imagined HIS pain about what went down. Yes, "he just couldn’t accept it and can’t be around him bc of course she would be around". But realistically, part of his pain may have been how you and H responded to the situation.BIL and GF wronged this guy, obviously - yet they stayed firmly ensconced in your friend group. What about you and H? Did you play Swiss Friends? Did you say things like " we love both of you" etc.? Maybe it's not too late to reach out to this wronged friend.... maybe your H can salvage some part of this friendship now that the fallout from his own painful infidelity choices helped develop H's capacity to feel/communicate empathy for others? Now that H (hopefully) gets it - now that he's learned the traumatic reality of the Infidelity shit storm? Something to consider.
[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 8:45 PM, Thursday, July 25th]
