SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WH is dealing with his depression and anxiety right now. This has been an ongoing battle since even before the affair. I’ve been begging him for years to get help, therapy or medication but at first he was resistant because he was in the military and that used to be very frowned upon. I know for sure that this is what contributed to his infidelity. Now he is doing all the work that I previously asked for and I can see that he is changing and getting better. The problem is we can’t seem to get him on the right meds to help him feel better and I know that his shame and remorse is also weighing him down. So some days he withdraws some and is quieter and less connected to me. And that triggers me big time. I start to catastrophize thinking one bad day means that’s it, it’s never going to get better. Which I know we all have bad days… if you’ve seen any of my posts you know I do all the time. And then sometimes I feel like he shouldn’t have room to feel bad because he’s the one who hurt us so deeply. Or if he had just listened to me 15 years ago when I first begged him to do counseling we wouldn’t have ended up here. Many days I feel hopeful and connected but not all of them. How do I keep myself from always thinking the worst? How do I give him grace to heal too when I still feel like there’s knife in my chest?

AdLarue,
I can relate. My H was also military - he retired after 23 yrs. He was deployed so often - there were times I’d think he was gone more than he was at home. Sometimes we didn’t even know where in the world he was at until something was reported in the news on some mission or whatever. Anyway, he struggled for so long with trauma from things he did, saw, experienced. After every deployment they would do a mental health check. But we all know that was just a check the block kinda thing. It wasn’t until service members starting committing suicide after deployments and the media picked up on it that they (the military) really started to push more mental health for those returning from combat missions - at least that’s how it was at our installation. There was a big push to break that stigma of needing help. You had guys who came back from seeing horrific shit and didn’t know how to assimilate back into home life, being a husband or father. After a particularly long and difficult deployment, my H was depressed, anxious, having extreme nightmares and it was obvious it was combat trauma. He was sent for an evaluation and was assigned a case worker. I can’t remember the exact sequence of events - but he had weekly sessions with therapist. This was back in 2007-ish. He continued to deploy even after he started seeing the therapist. They gave him every SSRI under the sun and nothing worked. He had an injury that flared up and had to have major reconstructive surgery - that put him on profile so he couldn’t deploy but he continued therapy. During rehab the depression and anxiety and PTSD symptoms were getting worse and since he was well over 20 years active, he decided to retire. The transition from active duty to civilian was pure hell. He was in and out of the hospital for anxiety attacks all the time. All the time. We were trying every medication combination to see what would work. I still have my 3" 3-ring binder of all my notes of all the meds and dosages he was taking so we could narrow down what worked and what didn’t. It was DIFFICULT. We were trying to figure all this out for a solid year. But he was still just spiraling and suffering. It was during this time (2012) that he reconnected with a woman he went to HS with some 20 yrs prior on FB. They started an EA, which then led to a PA - and him asking me for a divorce. I know for a fact that his trauma and PTSD played a huge role in his infidelity. It’s not an excuse because he made a choice to cheat. But no one will ever convince me that his mental state wasn’t a factor in those decisions. Ironically he was still in therapy - he’d been in therapy since 2007. He was just lying to his therapist about his life. We reconciled and worked on the marriage and worked on his mental health. It wasn’t until 2014 that we had meds sorted out. We had tried all the "-ines" - Paroxetine, Fluoxetine, Venlafaxine, until we finally settled on Sertraline. His drug regimen was: Sertraline (depression), sumatriptan (migraines), klonopin (benzo for anxiety), prazosin (nightmares), mirtazipine (nightmares); later we added Bupropion as an add on to the sertraline. This combo worked for a long while and stabilized him. He’s in a new career now - a good one, one that totally fits his personality. He’s also not taking all the meds - he only has the klonopin if he’s pinging really bad. He’s back in therapy. And he’ll be the first to admit that therapy saved his life. So sometimes I don’t buy that argument that the military doesn’t care about their mental health. That’s not everyone’s experience. Sometimes you have to be your own advocate.
ANYWAY - I’m sorry for the long post - I tend to do that! I just wanted to encourage you (& him) to continue to try different meds! Seek therapy - until you find a therapist that clicks! I get it - none of this is easy. We’ve been married almost 30 yrs and the A happened at year 16 for us.
Sending virtual hugs to you. Good luck to you!!

It can sometimes take awhile to find the right "cocktail" of meds to treat the two conditions. It doesn't help that it can take weeks to see if the med is doing what you need. It doesn't help when there are overlapping conditions of medical issues that mimic symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Even with piss-poor decision-making skills, he would know right from wrong.

It sounds like your dday is fairly recent, which means you're still in fight or freeze mode. Right now, you will always think the worst. Until you've had time to heal, that may be your normal. Give yourself grace and focus on your healing. Remember, feelings are not facts. When you start to catastrophize, what are the facts? It might help you to start to regulate your emotions. I'll admit that it took me about 9 months to get here.

He needs to focus on his healing and you can't do that for him.

You have the prerogative to ask what you need from him and to expect it.

FYI - I've had post-partum depression twice and struggle with depression at times. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts, so I've been there.

I can relate. My WH has anxiety and insecurities … I’ve always known this, however, I thought they were minimal as he never really talked about them and they appeared (from the outside anyways) that he managed them accordingly. However, his A very much magnified them and just more recently my WH has admitted that he’s been battling with extreme anxiety, insecurities and depression over the course of our marriage (and even before), with certain events causing more stress then others. Instead of seeking help (or even telling me!) he stuffed all of his mental health down deep - which definitely played a prominent role and one of his major "whys" that contributed to his A.

Like you, I have my times when I feel connected to my WH, more recently I’ve started to feel heightened anger and have disengaged because HIS anxiety/insecurities/depression have seem to taken a front row seat right next to me. Ummm, excuse me?! Pretty sure I’m the "star of this show" and I’m the one that requires YOUR top notch service and attention and YOU should be showing me infinite amounts of grace, empathy, support, love, remorse, etc and have the path paved clear for MY healing. YOUR the reason I’m here after all and I refuse to do any of the heavy lifting!

Sorry. Little bit of my own rant there. I think in a situation like this, it’s important to remain focused on you … they say that BS are responsible for their own healing (sometimes I think this is so unfair, but it is what it is and I very much understand why they say this now). I think remembering to focus on yourself first and foremost is key and will help guide you down that "forgiving path" later on. Your WH has his own healing to do and it’s important for him to figure that out for himself and what he thinks that might look like. I think it’s ok to offer grace, if you want to or are in the mindset mentally/emotionally to do so. I also think it’s ok to offer grace if he’s been a "model" WH and you can see that his efforts have been constant and consistent since Dday … showing you those promising changes.

Personally, I still have a long way to go in my own healing and I don’t actually have anything extra in me right now to offer my WH in terms of support for his healing (nor do I think he deserves it, at least not at this time). While I "appreciate" (not sure if this is the right word) that he’s opening up and admitting he needs additional help in addressing these areas, I’m not ready to give him that "pat on the back." As I continue to heal me and as my WH starts to heal the broken parts of him then one day we can hopefully heal together and lean on each other. But right now, I’m truly focused on ME (it feels so good) and I’ve made myself my number 1 priority again after many years of neglecting me for so long. The best part about this is I don’t feel guilty about it either