SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, survivors. I have a quick question that probably doesn't have a quick answer, but I am desperate for support and advice. What do you do to stop or prevent mental movies of your partner with someone else? It seems that every TV show, song, news article, etc. sets me off and I make myself sick envisioning him with her. I think about every step of the process, from the rush of meeting her to how much he thought of her after leaving her place. I focus on details that I don't even know are true. He has been very honest when I stupidly and repeatedly asked him for descriptions, so now I can't unsee things that I never actually saw. I don't even know if I'm making sense right now. My heart and my stomach are hurting.

Yes, we have decided to reconcile and everything can be going great, and then one stupid little thing like a road sign (!) can set me off and the day is ruined. Please share any positive reconciliation stories you may have and/or some advice on how to get these images out of my head. I hate being like this. Any help would be extremely appreciated. Thanks so much.

Welcome to SI and sorry you're in pain. Have you been to IC (individual counseling)? I saw a betrayal trauma specialist and she was so helpful.

For awhile, I only listened to instrumental music. For TV, I watched a lot of cooking shows. And I found some helpful people on YouTube.

In the Healing Library, there's an article on mind movies that you may find helpful. Also, grounding exercises may help. Do you have any games you play on your tablet? Oddly enough, research shows that playing simple match-3 type games can be helpful. (Candy Crush is an example.)

It can take 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and even longer to heal the relationship. Any TT (trickle truth) will set the clock back to zero. You're still early in the process, so give yourself grace and practice self-care. Infidelity is the worst pain imaginable.

ETA: You're not tormenting yourself. It's the impact of trauma on your brain.

[This message edited by leafields at 4:41 AM, Tuesday, August 13th]

How long ago was Dday? The triggers and roller coaster of emotions will last a long while. It takes time. The mind movies are brutal but really started disappearing after I realized how pathetic and weak the AP was. Getting the AP out of my head was the solution. I know easier said than done.

I have no advice because I’m having the same problem. But hang in there.

Dear friend....this is normal...do not beat yourself up. As said, it is trauma. Definately, try to determine what foundational attachment wound is happening. I would talk to husband about the hurt. He really should hear your heart. Also...trauma therapy. Please check out Jake Porter's work. Daring Ventures.

Most importantly, and thus has helped me....take it to God. Pour out your heart to Him. Jesus can both forgive the betrayer and truly sympathize with the betrayed. Read the book of Hosea.

I do have an easy answer for you, but it starts with the same question as Tanner:

How long ago was Dday?

For me I would say once the A was finally done and dusted the triggers and roller coaster of emotions lessened a bit. Once I made the decision to leave (spoiler - we divorced but still date now so we have our version of R), and to really focus on me, all of that stuff really started disappearing quickly. My WH and AP had 50,000+ messages between them, tons of sexting and gross videos - things I could go back to and pain-shop anytime I wanted to.

Someone brought this issue up (the how long until these things don't hurt you anymore) recently and I decided to look at a few of the choice screenshots I had sent to the OBS years ago at his request for evidence. Mind you, these screenshots I first saw in late 2018-early 2019 so it's been a minute. But honestly looking at these a few months back, they didn't hurt at all...the reality was I felt a bit embarrassed for my WH as they were soooooo pathetic. In all honesty it was so sad really - they were both trying SO VERY HARD to ego boost each other that it was so phony. Their texting, the sexting, the images and the comments...It was SO CLEAR they were getting off on the strokes to their own ego - you could have substituted any female A in AP's place and I think the "strength" of their emotional connection would have been the same because the connection was really with the ego boosting and not the AP herself (and it seemed the same way for her too - ultimately she LOVED the praise - the giver of the praise was less relevant). I was amazed I didn't see through it before - from this distance of time I had no anger, no sadness, no pain - it just all seemed pretty pathetic and I actually felt pretty good about myself and put it all away.

I know sometimes people don't get to the point that I am at - but how did I get here you ask? A lot of IC and working on myself. My self esteem for sure, but also working on my what seemed like endless supply of empathy and understanding for really bad behavior that I should not have had. On learning to say "no" more and to put my needs and wants out there. I know all of that seems disconnected from the A and all that stuff - but really, your self-esteem took a massive hit from the A. It is the rare person who is able to not have that happen. Building your self esteem back WILL really help with how much those things (mind movies, images, their words, etc) effect YOU. It will not make the events go way, but it will help the effect they have on your mental well being, and that my friend, is where your path to happiness is at! I cannot restate this enough - build yourself up and these things will not have the same affect.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:35 PM, Friday, August 16th]

Have you tried letting the mind movies play until the end? That usually works for me.

I might have been better off if I had read https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/how-to-stop-mind-movies/ (I've been around a long time and didn't see this until today.)

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:42 PM, Friday, August 16th]

Thanks, everyone, for the advice. My one year d-day anniversary was last week. It seems like every time I feel like I’m adjusting and allowing myself to enjoy my time with my husband, some stupid little thing sets me off. Then I’m back at the bottom of the hole.

Some days I’m fine and even better than fine. I feel genuine affection and look forward to being with him. He is patient, always answering every question of mine even if it’s the millionth time. And then? Boom. A song. Jim and Pam on The Office. A recipe! And the spiral begins again for me.

I need these images out of my mind. I’ve been looking into radical acceptance but haven’t been able to really connect with it yet.

Having the support of this group is incredible. If you all can make it through the woods, maybe I can too?

And yes, my self esteem has been decimated. I’ve always been insecure but now that I’m all wrinkly and creaky, it’s even worse. I’m sure that has an effect on the frequency of these mental movies and their effect on me. I recognize this but don’t really know what to do about it.

I’ve always been insecure but now that I’m all wrinkly and creaky, it’s even worse.

You may be wrinkly and creaky...but she has horrible odor coming from her lady bits...the kind that makes the nose hairs curl up and DIE . See what I did there ?! Mental movies can be so detrimental...until you realize that YOU control them .

I remember one time how a BW on here wrote about a "thing" that the adultery co-conspirator and her WH would share. They would have a glass of wine on her back porch after a bike ride together. This would trigger the BW until one day she had a "mental movie" of the adultery co-conspirator on her back porch...ALONE...with a glass of wine...ALONE...and a solitary tear falling down her cheek into that glass because she was drinking that wine...ALONE...and coming to the realization of the fact that she had just been USED by the WH. The description of that tear falling into the wine as the adultery co-conspirator realized just WHAT she was to the WH...that mental image HELPED the BW to take back that trigger .

One FACT about ALL A's is that the two adultery co-conspirators are USING each other to get their SELFISH needs met. USE that fact to make up your own mental movie . Jim and Pam at the Office are NOT a fact of an A because they aren't in an A . Most of the Hollywood A's aren't real anyway...unless it involves real people like Sandra Bullock and Jesse James...etc.

You used that word "rush" from when your WH met the adultery co-conspirator. My H used that word as well when he would go to meet the adultery co-conspirator. The FIRST time he met her though...he thought to himself..."She'll do". He had been looking for NSA sex on Craigslist and Whatsapp while working alone overseas. Out of 100+ women he contacted...only ONE accepted his offer. It only took one to destroy my world as I knew it . He continuously kept looking for NSA sex even while he was having his A with the adultery co-conspirator. She truly was being USED.

So honestly...for my H and I would assume for your WH as well...the RUSH was NOT because of the adultery co-conspirator...it was for what my H knew he was going to GET. In his case...someone who was giving a "happily married man" (his words in his ads) NSA sex for FREE . He found out that it wasn't free...it nearly cost him our M.

USE your creative mind Dear Lady to come up with mental movies to COMBAT the ones that pop up . The RUSH he felt for going to meet an adultery co-conspirator has NOTHING on the RUSH he feels when he sees the LOVE of his LIFE !! He can OPENLY express his undying LOVE for you...being able to BREATHE again while walking in the LIGHT of being FREE to express his TRUE feelings!! He never again has to slink in the darkness and feel the slimy walls of NASTY closing in around him as he suffocates from the GUILT and SHAME of what he is doing to get his FIX.

Once your mind starts to see the TRUTH of what the A REALLY was...those mental movies won't be nearly as menacing as they are now . They only have as much strength as YOU give them Dear Lady. YOU really do have the power here. Our THOUGHTS dictate our FEELINGS...but WE dictate our THOUGHTS .

For almost all of us, healing takes more than a year. You're probably about where most people are a year out - still in a LOT of pain, still triggering a LOT. IMO, triggers are pain coming to the surface to be released. IOW, each trigger releases some pain.

Those triggers are going to come. Some will be total shocks. I believe they can't be stopped. So I urge you to try out welcoming each triggers and letting them flow through your body. If it doesn't work for you, stop - but it may work well.

I will say that leaning in to triggers may allow them to come more frequently. The upside of that is, IMO, you'll get through triggers faster that way. I just don't think any BS can stop the triggers - you have to feel them or stuff them, and stuffing triggers just allows them to fester and grow.

IMO, being betrayed brings way more pain than anyone who hasn't been betrayed can imagine. I urge you to accept that and be kind to yourself while you resolve it (pain).

Also, if you process your pain out of your body, the triggers will become less frequent and less intense. That won't happen quickly, but it will happen. My response to a bad trigger at first was to feel pretty bad, and it sometimes took weeks to recover - but I said goodbye to that response 7 or 8 years ago. Life still kicks in a way that makes me remember the A, but only in an oh-yeah-that-happened way.

Old and creaky? Please say more. You're not alone here ... I know we've got members from teens to 80s.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:08 PM, Wednesday, August 21st]