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Why does someone have to hit rock bottom to "wake up?" Obviously at almost 11 months out, I have accepted what has happened, that I can’t change the past and that this is my reality … but on the other hand I still can’t believe it (do you get me)?

For those of you that personally had to hit a rock bottom realization (or for those of your WS who describe hitting rock bottom) did you realize it before or after everything blew up in your face?

For those of you WS who are actually remorseful after such a realization (or for those of you who have experienced a remorseful WS), do you truly feel "good" or "proud" of the fact that you are changing/have changed into the "best version" of yourself, due to the complete mass destruction of your spouse, children, extended family/friends and your entire existence? Seems like such a steep price to pay and at the expense of others to better oneself. Why not just “be better” without a rock bottom realization?

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 6:21 PM, Thursday, September 5th]

I absolutely wish the work I had done on myself had been precipitated differently. I do not feel good that I had an affair or traumatized my husband.

However, I also can’t go back in time and change where my self awareness began.

I don’t think most people change until the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing.

I think the idea of "hitting rock bottom" is flawed. Saying that you only change after hitting rock bottom is no different logically than saying that you always find the lost item in the last place you look. Yeah, of course you do, because you stop looking. And "rock bottom" can only be determined in retrospect of how low a person went until they get their shit together, if they ever do.

(or for those of you who have experienced a remorseful WS), do you truly feel "good" or "proud" of the fact that you are changing/have changed into the "best version" of yourself, due to the complete mass destruction of your spouse, children, extended family/friends and your entire existence? Seems like such a steep price to pay and at the expense of others to better oneself. Why not just "be better" without a rock bottom realization?

MY H is absolutely remorseful and is becoming the best version of himself that I have ever seen.

I am struggling hard with the same thing you are because honestly because of the damage he has inflicted on me and his children his actions don't mean much to me at all right now... I tell him this daily.
He still keeps at it and doesn't skip a beat.
He tells me "I hope one day everything we have gotten through and the way I have changed means something to you ."

He knows damn well right now I can't see through the pain and he is aware that I may never see it.

But yes, he absolutely hit rock bottom and hid behind so many horrible coping mechanisms hes had for years before he met me.
I do believe he wouldn't have changed on his own without something or someone shaking him and pulling the rug, he was a very weak needy human being.
He says all the time he will never be thankful for the A but he will always be glad he isn't that person anymore.

It very well could cost him his family/time with his kids and that is something I don't let him forget.

Why not just "be better" without a rock bottom realization?

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When it comes to my H I think it was because he had no consequences and he was completely and utterly selfish.

Why change and be a better dad, husband, and follower in God if you don't think there are consequences? You have your kids, your wife and you avoid church because you can't hear all of the things you're doing and how awful they are.

Why quit your dream idea of a band at 35 years old if you wife supports you and makes all of the money?
I put up with too much and his circle of close friends and family also enabled him to make shitty decisions , now all of that has changed. He is held accountable by me, himself, his children, and his friends but most importantly HIMSELF. He had to make the decision to be better, he chose to go to IC, to church, to get a better job and to put us first, it took him basically losing it all and fear of going to hell to pull his head out of his ass.
He wasn't raised with super tight morals, nor did he ever care to learn them..
He had to hit rock bottom and he had to see the consequences, the pain, and the evil person he was being for him to really realize he had to change. It sucks.

just speaking from what I see, hope it helps.

I think it's largely based on personality. Some people can will themselves to make healthy changes and some need external pressure.

I think my H had to get a good taste of the consequences of his choices before he woke up. He told me on DDay that he was in love with the AP and wanted a D. I asked him to move out the next day. He spent a few weeks sleeping in a twin bed in his mother's house, missing his distraught children, and fielding phone calls from the AP who wouldn't leave him alone. He got a snoot full of his new reality and he didn't like it so much. But it sure did sound like a great plan beforehand in the abstract, didn't it?

Thanks everyone. No matter how hard I try, I just don’t grasp how one can sink so low and then magically rise to the top so admirably after so much destruction. I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but I do believe people can change and be better, but the part where it’s at the expense of others is just extremely frustrating.

I will say ScaredSoul that I kicked my WH out immediately … very little "talk" happened after the intial discovery. He slept in his driveway in the car that night … his parents put him up in a hotel room for the weekend and he said he never felt more alone in his life and so desperately wanted to be at home with his "family" (ya, the family he ignored and took for granted). He also resorted to living in his car in the driveway for about a month after the fact … peeing outside, brushing his teeth with the hose. Like talk about a wake up call.