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I discovered her most recent affair last April. It was a 4 year long cyber affair that left virtually nothing untouched in our marriage. Ten years ago she had a brief physical affair that turned into a telephone affair and had a brief one in between that looked like it was almost immediately sexual but stayed digital (total of 3 affairs and 1 financial infidelity). On top of that there was a pretty large financial infidelity that set us back.

We're still married and I've committed to reconciling (again) but I do wonder if I'm nuts. She's seeing a therapist. I'm seeing a therapist.

I think recovered from the previous stuff not to bad (maybe) but the last one feels like it broke something. From the small sample of texts I saw there were at least dozens of texts a day and sometimes over a hundred. All the usual stuff - pet names, soul mates, "we'll be together someday" (one part of her planning was to wait for me to die so they could be together). Lots of sexting, some face time type meetings but they never actually met. She divulged so much information that I actually have concerns about a breach of privacy.

I'm not sure whether the counselling I'm doing is all that helpful. It doesn't feel like it's helping very much. I have an almost constant movie and sound track running in my head (I discovered all of the infidelities). I've been reading books, listening to podcasts and doing a lot of journalling.

I think I'm through most of the anger but what's left is perhaps even worse. Years of looking me in the eyes and telling me she loved me (the night she got caught she was lying in bed with me and had just finished a bunch of "I love you's" with him.) The nature of the affair meant he was virtually everywhere with us all of the time. That means lots of triggers. I can't even leave the house and leave her alone because thats when they sexted usually). I'm trying to deal with them but there are just so many triggers.

Despite having some experience in dealing with this kind of mess, this time seems far, far more difficult. Part of it is that I feel emotionally exhausted (4 infidelities over about 10 years) and not very safe. She says she wants to stay and build some kind of new relationship.

I know everyone is different and theres no single answer but I'm trying to get a sense of whether this relationship can be salvaged and where I should be in roughly 8 months since the latest discovery. Should I be doing a little better than I am. I don't feel I've made much progress. I've been reading a lot on here (Thanks everyone) but any insights would be welcome.

[This message edited by Davea at 7:30 PM, Wednesday, November 20th]

Sorry that you're here. Have you read the pinned posts in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum? There are also some with bull's eye icons that can be helpful. I'll assume that you've read in the Healing Library and the post pinned to the top of this forum.

It's possible that your IC (individual counselor) isn't a good fit and you may need to find another. I was able to go to a betrayal trauma specialist, and was so much better than talk therapy. Also, I treat it like physical therapy - there's work involved and homework. Maybe discuss changing your treatment plan because it isn't working. Are you depressed and maybe need some meds for a while? It's possible that you have PTSD and treatment for that is different. You may want to find somebody who does EMDR, or try EFT tapping.

It can take 2-5 years to heal, longer for some. Each new dday resets your healing clock to zero.

What is your WW (wayward wife) doing differently this time than last? Otherwise, she'll repeat the behavior...well, she already has. Serial cheaters are tough because they usually don't do the work it takes to become a safe partner. Have you set any boundaries or consequences because of her behavior? My hardline was inappropriate sexual contact of any sort with a female would move recovery directly to D (divorce), and he crossed the line and he's how the ex.

almost constant movie and sound track running in my head

There's an article in the Healing Library about mind movies and includes strategies that some have used. What you really want to watch out for is your brain making it a neural pathway where you get stuck. Some games have been shown to help rewire your brain. The match-3 type or find hidden objects are good. But - they can also be a symptom of PTSD.

Take very good care of yourself during this time. It is the worst.

Short reply:

I discovered her most recent affair last April. It was a 4 year long cyber affair that left virtually nothing untouched in our marriage. Ten years ago she had a brief physical affair that turned into a telephone affair and had a brief one in between that looked like it was almost immediately sexual but stayed digital (total of 3 affairs and 1 financial infidelity). On top of that there was a pretty large financial infidelity that set us back.

We're still married and I've committed to reconciling (again) but I do wonder if I'm nuts. She's seeing a therapist. I'm seeing a therapist.

Ya, you're nuts

So... do you have a plan in place for what you're gonna do when she cheats again?

Have you ever asked yourself 'why' you are staying in the M?

What is she doing in R now that's different from the previous times?

What do you want from your W? from your M?

If she's not doing something effective in cheating from cheater to good partner, yeah, you're nuts.

Do you have requirements for R? What are they? If you don't have requirements beyond 'not cheat again', yeah, nuts.

Thanks everyone for the feedback, especially the note referring me to some of the resources on this site. There is a tremendous amount of content. Some of it I've seen. Some of it I haven't even come across yet. Hopefully I'll get to it sooner or later.

She is not quitting seeing a therapist, something that happened previously and she know my expectation is to continue. She feels that if she can figure out the "why" she can work to prevent a relapse (she indicates that she currently has no idea why she did any of it. It appears that there were a number of factors in her childhood and youth that may play into it. Time will tell.

Thanks again everyone.

She feels that if she can figure out the "why" she can work to prevent a relapse (she indicates that she currently has no idea why she did any of it. It appears that there were a number of factors in her childhood and youth that may play into it.

Very very gently...

While she needs to figure out her why for HER - it won't prevent future affairs. Only she can do that.

And spoiler alert - she did it because she wanted to. She knew it was wrong and did it anyway. She enjoyed the quick and cheap dopamine hit.

As for the FOO - we all have shit. Some worse than others. But not all of us with very bad issues [FOO or otherwise] choose to cheat.

If she is using that as a crutch and excuse - she has much work to do on herself.

Take care of yourself.

Serial cheaters are essentially hopeless. You aren't safe. You are staying in a consistently and repeatedly abusive relationship.

How can you be committed to anything when she clearly isn't?