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So yesterday was the 2 year antiversary of when the bottom fell out from under my entire life. Surprisingly, yesterday was not very difficult at all. Compared to one year ago (which was an utter disaster and I was a mess for weeks leading up to DD - wish I could find the post from back then and compare) it was no big deal.
In September this year which is the start of affair season for us I felt slightly triggered around some dates, but since then it hasn't been more than a passing, fleeting thought now and then that two years ago at this time he was mid-affair. Coming up to DD anniversary I was expecting to feel worse as I did last year, but it just never happened. I did think about it some yesterday, and I was slightly teary during an emotional film I watched. But I was not triggered once, and I decided not to even mention the whole thing to WH. I don't believe he remembered or noted the date (he has pneumonia and has been sick as a dog for more than a week) and I just didn't feel like bringing it up and making it into a thing, when it didn't feel like a thing to me.
I have to say, I am relieved and a bit surprised as to how uneventful this years antiversary turned out for me. I wouldn't have expected that big of a change from last year, I hade expected DD to turn slightly less painful slowly over many years. But year 2 is pretty close to 0 on a scale of how much it impacted me.

Looking back, I have come such a long way. I am in no way healed yet, but compared to 2 years ago the change is enormous and also this past year has done a lot for my emotional and psychological state. Our M is still struggling, we are still in MC as well as IC the both of us, but we are still trying to R and working towards it. Slowly, painfully. Some days I feel like maybe it's not worth it all and I should just put myself out of my misery and D, but for some reason, here we are, trying, wanting each other, choosing each other.
Two years ago I remember wanting to just fast forward time a year or two to a time when the pain would be slightly less sharp. I guess that's where I am today. Still in pain, still so filled with grief and anger. But the edges have softened. I feel less despair and my anxiety is all but gone. I am still triggered almost every day but the A is no longer the main thing on my mind every moment of every day. I have finally started these past few months to feel some more joy again as well, I was well and deep into the POLF for many months this past year, but lately I have started to get back more and more of my previous glad demeanour in short bursts. I am truly looking forward to Christmas this year, the first since DD. I am an avid Xmas fanatic and it's always been my best time of year. DD a few weeks befor Xmas two years ago pretty much spoiled that year as well as last years Xmas's. But this year I feel that same joy and anticipation for the season I used to have, which I am grateful for.

For the coming year, I am hoping it will be less painful than the first two years have been. I hope to never again have to return to that dark place I have managed to crawl myself out from.

So for this of you in the JFO group, I hope this post can bring some hope. I honestly thought this experience would kill me, I was in utter despair 2 years ago, unable to work, function, eat, sleep, parent and was on the border of mental breakdown for many months. But day by day I got through it and here I am still, putting one foot in front of the other. And so will you.

Hey! I didn't see anyone else respond yet, so I figured I should at least say thanks for sharing!

It's good you seem to be doing better.

Also, (I know, completely unreltated) for the holidays, if you got a superpower as a gift, which one would you want?

[This message edited by Notthevictem at 8:55 AM, Monday, November 25th]

Christmas — somehow, some way was especially helpful to my healing. Part of that for me was definitely family time with our adult kids.

Any moments we can find some joy and be in a little less pain is a good thing.

Some days I feel like maybe it's not worth it all and I should just put myself out of my misery and D, but for some reason, here we are, trying, wanting each other, choosing each other.

Choosing each other. That’s R. Maybe the most important aspect of any relationship, and especially in one that has experienced the unique trauma of infidelity.

I hope your healing continues!!

Also, (I know, completely unreltated) for the holidays, if you got a superpower as a gift, which one would you want?

Notthevictem, thanks for responding. Difficult one this, bit since this is SI maybe the ability to erase memories? mine as well as his would be good. Or perhaps the ability to deliver Karma

Choosing each other. That’s R. Maybe the most important aspect of any relationship, and especially in one that has experienced the unique trauma of infidelity.

Oldwounds, we always did this, or so I thought. We often even talked about it, how we long ago had realised that love isn't something you necessarily feel every single day if you plan on being married for the long haul, some days you choose to, and how important that is for a M to last ....WH also used to mention this and I used to think, how lucky are we that we realised this so young? oh well .
But even with this shit show, we chose each other and still keep doing so. These days I no longer trust we will be able to keep doing that for the rest of our lives, but it's more a day by day or week by week thing now. And at least for me, trigger by trigger, fight by fight, desperate moment by desperate moment. I ask myself, am I done? so far, the answer has been no. Sometimes I believe I surely should have been done. My WH hasn't always been, and still in some ways isn't, a very good candidate for R, (nor am I to be honest), but I still choose him. For now .

Just wanted to stop in to acknowledge your update. I’m only 13 months out from my own Dday and I’m always thinking "ok, what will I feel like in another year?"

It sounds like over the past 2 years you have made some immense progress and have overcome some extremely tough challenges. It’s enlightening to read that your WH A doesn’t consume every thought of your day and little by little you’re finding that joy again.

I hope this next year continues to bring you more clarity and healing.

I think delivery of karma would be an awesome power!