SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Has anyone here tried a trial separation?
I’m considering suggesting it to my WS, but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. I just feel like I need a break from everything to think clearly.

It didn't last long because I gained clarity very rapidly. I spent a week out of the house, then my wife. After that she had a real written plan for leading the R efforts.

The plan was to continue trading weeks back and forth.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:29 PM, Tuesday, December 3rd]

tortured poet,

I'm separated from WH right now. It is helping me a lot, to gain clarity and to give him time to heal himself. I can't control his behavior, so if he's not going to make himself into a safe partner, I need to know that. Before Dday, when I would drive home from work I would feel my stress levels go up, wondering what kind of mood he'd be in, how much of my attention he would demand, how many negative things happened in his day I'd have to help him process...

Now I feel fine driving home. I see WH about once a week, and we hang out and talk. He's changing, but it hasn't been long and I'm content to keep things as they are until I have reached some kind of conclusion. I have NO idea how long that will take, but posters here say you will know eventually, and I'm trusting in that.

Our kids are grown and our finances were already sort of naturally separated. But 100% it is helping me. Good luck.

What kind of boundaries do you have in place during a trial separation?
I’ve been reading more into it and it actually sounds really complicated, like do you have a rule that you don’t see other people during it? Because if I can’t trust him now then surely that will be worse if we’re separated for a while? I wonder if I’d be more paranoid about what he’s doing, and then wouldn’t be able to use the time apart productively.

The rules are whatever you want them to be. For me I was too hyper-focused on catching my WH in more lies to let him out of my sight in the beginning....but eventually that waned and I was just exhausted from being the relationship police. At that point I knew enough was enough and getting away from him felt good by the time I did it - it was long overdue relief. We did IHS for awhile and it was just awful for me as I felt totally alone and basically hid in "my" room most of the time I was not working. but for some it works!

I did an in-house separation for a couple months last year, and that helped but not enough. After the holidays and some travel in January, I'm going for a full trial separation (living separately). I really feel like I need to be away from WS to gain clarity and healing. He doesn't like the idea at all, but it's not a negotiation. I did agree to come home on the weekends with our kid because I think it'll help her for us to be together as a family.

I would suggest that you decide what you want before you talk to your WS about it. A separation doesn't have to be a mutual decision as a couple - it can be one-sided, and if you want one, you need to present to him as a demand, not a suggestion or a request.

The "rules" will have to be agreed upon mutually, though. Some people find it useful to work those out with a MC. It can help to have a neutral party to mediate if the two of you aren't in agreement. You're right that you won't have as much insight into your WS's behavior, but I think that's partly the point. Your brain needs a break from the hypervigilence and also to really internalize that you aren't responsible for his behavior. Your WS needs to work on himself. You can't do that for him (nobody can).

We didn't establish rules. WH confessed his ongoing problems w infidelity to me and our adult sons, BOOM.

I was frozen for a couple days, then I realized how much space I needed and I demanded he go. He wanted to do an In House Separation but in only a weekend I knew that was a no-go for me.

Now I wait and see. It def brings clarity. He can probably start over from his place of healing easier than we can build from here.

I'm working on being open to possibility w him, he says he wants to be w me, and is working on being open to possibility, period.

The biggest hurdle is his own resistance to self-love.

Honestly I don't expect us to reconcile, but it's a huge decision, and I love him, effin Debbie Downer that he is, so this is a way to protect myself while I heal and see.

For me, separation and therapy is what self-care looks like right now.

Bleah!