SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been with my current boyfriend on and off for about 6 years. He has sent nudes to men and women multiple times and each time I’ve found out by accidentally seeing it or going through his messages. This has occurred around 4-5 times that I have caught and he just recently did it while away on a vacation. He told me he has an addiction to wanting to send pictures to other people and he feels ashamed to tell me when he feels these urges which I have told him before to tell me if he ever feels like he wants to do it again. Problem is that after I found out he cheated again he then had the audacity to do it the very next day as well after I found out about the pictures while he was on vacation. I feel stuck because I love him and want to see myself married to him because he’s my best friend but I don’t see how this will ever change. I know I deserve better but cannot imagine starting over and losing not only him but his family too. He’s helped me through the worst times in my life but I also feel like I put more effort into the relationship than he does and I don’t gain anything from it. I don’t think I have set in place boundaries that I need and he just keeps doing it because he knows I will not leave him. He sounds like he regrets it but if he regretted it why would he do it again the very next day after I found out. I know every-time we have been on a break no matter how long it had been he would always right away start asking people or sending nudes even without people asking for them. I just don’t know how to regain trust if he isn’t willing to be honest with me. Where do I go from here?

Where do you go from here?

Very good question.

First I’m sorry you are constantly stuck in this situation. You deserve better than this. I’m going to suggest some professional counseling just for you. Six years of an on again off again relationship that has multiple instances of lying and cheating and disrespect is not healthy.

You describe the relationship as "him being your best friend" but also "you put more effort into the relationship" and "you don’t want to start over" or "lose him and his family".

It sounds like you are either very happy or very unhappy depending upon the day and his behavior. You seem like you are living in an emotional roller coaster as his GF.

Long story short, he has an addiction to sending photos to people. Has it gone further than that? I’m not sure. But it doesn’t appear that he values certain ideals such as honesty, monogamy, respect etc. Adductions are very difficult behaviors to stop without professional help.

Your married life w/ him will be exactly your life now. Marriage will not change nor stop this pattern.

Again I strongly urge you to get some professional counseling. It will help you understand so many things about your BF and help you make some decisions about your future.

I hope this helps you. Notice I’m not giving you advice or suggestions on what the lying cheating BF should be doing. IMO there is no point to that as he has issues of his own that need to be addressed.

Hi, Gemstone, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here, and I'm sorry your boyfriend can't be faithful.

Gently, he has shown you repeatedly who he is, please believe him. Lather, rinse, repeat.

You are in for a lifetime of heartache with this guy IMO.

Find a good counselor to figure out why you would tolerate his abuse for so long.

You deserve better.

Gemstone, it is a voice you do not want to hear now but I will do it because I care for the pain you feel now:

Leave him.

You are in love, but is either co-dependency or trauma bonding. It might even have been secure attachment (love) at first, now it is definitively showing red flags of being twisted.

This is not the life you want to go through.
He is not a secure partner to marry.

It could become if he doe a serious work on himself, a work that he does not even want to start right now, he is indulging in his issues and impulses, he does not truly acknowledges it ( acknowledging requires accountability, not 'nod and do it it again' right after), he is not ready.

You leaving him might be the wake up call for hm to start the path to self healing, if he truly cares for you he just might.

It's the healthiest choice you can make to protect yourself and your hope of a happy future.
You care about your boyfriend, he does not care about himself (no matter if he truly cares or not for you, he has issues about himself), he will destroy you, your love and your life while he keeps hurting himself.

Logic will not help you here, it will build excuses for why 'it will not be so bad'.
Not the answer you hoped for, I know, still try to "feel it".

Gemstone333.....You know what you got and you're going to keep on getting it Do you want to go through this - or worse? At some point, and this might be true already, this guy is not going to be satisfied with sending pictures, he's going to be doing stuff on line and meeting people. Sounds like he's bi-sexual too. Is this really what you want in your life for your husband? The father of your children? Someone who is so screwed up like this and is only going to get worse - yes he is, they always do. You'll always feel insecure, he'll always lie to you like he's doing now and worse. You won't have a happy future with this guy, in fact, you would have a miserable one. And you can't help him, you can't cure him, you can't support him....all you can do is wreck your own life. Don't do this. You can picture this or frame it any way you want, you can tell yourself he has a sickness, an addiction, I might say he's a bad person, he's unfaithful, whatever, but the bottom line is....HE'S NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL. He's not even boyfriend material. He's partner material for someone who doesn't think much of themselves and thinks this is the best you can do or the best you deserve. Neither of those things is true.

You know what you know, and I'm telling you, he's going to continue to lie to you and it's only going to get worse. You do NOT want to be trapped in a relationship with this man with kids and maybe financially dependent, and have a mortgage, etc. Don't do this to yourself either because you are sorry for him, or afraid for yourself. This is NOT going to get any better. It just isn't. If he solves this problem, he has to do it on his own, for himself, and probably with the help of therapists, but I will also tell you that people live like this and do these things.....BECAUSE THEY WANT TO. His desire to do these things and the enjoyment he gets from them, the satisfaction he gets, is more than he gets from a relationship with you....or anyone like you. It's not YOU specifically, he would do this to somebody else too. It's all him. And you have to accept that this IS, for the foreseeable future, regardless of what he tells you, this IS how he WANTS to live. This is what he chooses because he ENJOYS THIS.

Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want, what your ideal is, what kind of man you want, what kind of father and husband and where and how do you find that kind of person and build that kind of relationship. Don't settle for a candle when you want a fireplace. You probably won't listen to me because....I find that people fill each other's wounds, which is a bit hard for me to explain, but the sadist always finds the right masochist and vice versa, people find people who fill each other's wounds and give each other what they think they want and need in this minute and that is not what you can build a future on. Unless you want a very unhappy future for you and your future kids. I'd advise you just to end this, to tell him he's not the person you need to be with, you don't see a future with him, and don't take any arguments. HE'S NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL. And get to a therapist to help you work out why this has been even marginally acceptable to you and that you would even consider continuing in this and what it takes to help you get stronger and feel you deserve a better man who will make you happy and protect you and your future kids.

That's what you need. Please stop pursuing this, it's not going to get better and you cannot save or support him. He has to change this on his own. If he truly wants to.

Also, Gemstone....generally speaking, don't stay in a relationship with someone who LIES TO YOU. About anything. If you find you have someone who lies, whether as a lover or a friend or boss, or whatever, this is someone you cannot trust who will eventually screw you over because they are more interesting in protecting themselves or projecting images of themselves or fake images of reality, than they are in you. If you find out you're involved with a liar in any way, minimize the relationship if you can (like a boss) or get out of it as soon as possible. Lying is a definite character trait, it usually permeates their character and it's usually not just about one thing. A liar lies because they feel comfortable doing it, and it makes life easier for them, and they can manipulate someone - and they can always justify it to themselves. It doesn't matter what the topic is...it's usually a characteristic more than just related to one specific thing, if you get what I mean. It's a basic question of how someone deals with the world and other people and a liar twists reality and cannot be trusted. It's not something you can build on.

Gemstone,
If he disrespects you and kept doing things that he knows will deeply upset you, I wouldn’t call that best friend. You deserve a better friend.
Red flags before marriage will become sirens years after getting married, that’s with kids and house and other entangled financial situations. Ask people here. So run, and don’t look back. You can remain friends with his family. And find yourself a worthy faithful partner. Your future self will thank you for this.

Gemstone, honey - I'm gonna say probably what other people are saying....you don't want hear it but it's true and someday you will know it's true. You don't have a good future with this man. There may be no future with this man. He is not boyfriend material, he is not husband material. He is messed up in the head with problems you can't solve or help him with. He needs to figure out what he wants to do and be and have in life and he can only do that on his own. All he will do with you is mess up your life and your heart and head. That's it. You can't help him, you can't figure him out, you can't tell him what to do, you can't ask him to do shit for you, because he can't control his own life. He's doing what he wants to do with these pics and that he's also sending them to men, indicates he's bisexual too. Maybe that's okay with you, but....you're just one sex. At some point, he's going to want the other sex. They always do. That's not gonna work out for you.

The best thing you can do here is end this relationship. You don't have to be nasty and fight over it, just that you two want different things, you're in different places in life, you have different needs, and he's not going to fulfill yours. And if you don't just break it off cold turkey and just stop seeing him, you will continue to be stuck in this and my experience in life - and I'm 70 - is that things only get worse. When you are with someone who is messed up....they get more and more embedded in their drama and more and more messed up. This could be devastating to you especially if you have a child. AND DO NOT EVER CONSIDER MARRYING THIS MAN OR HAVING CHILDREN WITH HIM. That is not going to work out.

What you have is what you're gonna get. I'd get out and go no contact. I realize you've become dependent on him and his family but you probably need counseling to help get past that, and maybe you need to develop a new friend/support group. That takes some time. You can develop new interests for yourself and just give yourself permission to check out different things and people. But if someone ever gives you bad vibes or they seem screwed up, even if they're "nice".....get out ASAP. Don't stay with toxic, it doesn't get any better. Work on yourself - we come into the world alone and we leave alone...well, I do believe we have loving spirits all around us, but we're not usually aware of that. But we do have to learn to take care of ourselves and maximize our abilities and opportunities. That's what you need to focus on instead of him. It's not like you're kicking him to the curb....IT'S YOU TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF because that's the way it is in life. This guy can't put you first and he can't help you with making a better life for you, that's your priority. Get yourself some counseling if you can, even on line, and just end this relationship. It will be the best for you. There are so many other people and things in the world - don't be afraid. We are surrounded by love if we can only start feeling it for ourselves.

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 10:10 PM, Friday, January 30th]

Dating/boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are auditions for the part of marriage and he's failing this audition miserably. I strongly, highly suggest you get out of this now, before you're further entangled with a house, kids, etc. I think you're in for a lifetime of misery if you remain with him.

Gemstone,

I suppose the people he sends these photos to message him back; tell him how hot he is, etc.

He is addicted to that validation like a heroin addict is addicted to that drug.

And heroin addicts don’t get clean without serious intervention, and sometimes not even then.

If you were married and had kids, you’d be honor bound to do everything you could for him.

But you’re not married. You didn’t promise him, or his family, or God, anything.

You didn’t sign up for this. Any more than you signed up for him getting addicted to heroin.

See if he’ll get the serious intervention he needs. If so, maybe see if it’s successful.

If he won’t do it, then get away from him. I know that will feel shitty; that’s because you’re a good person.

Best wishes.

What happens if he sends a picture to someone who’s offended? What happens if they get the police after him? He is on a tight rope, waiting to fall off. He probably is a loving, charming, man that makes you feel special until he doesn’t. He can’t help himself. Sex addiction is one of the hardest addictions to get rid of because the sex urge is there. So how do you stop the addiction if you have the sexual urge to meet? This is your life going forward as everyone on here has already said to you. It isn’t that we don’t feel badly for you and we certainly feel badly for him because he’s in the grip of this addiction, but that is not a life the sustainable for happiness.

I’m SO sorry for your pain. Having been in your shoes I will tell you this. It’s NOT your fault. It’s NOT you. He has his own serious issues and until he deals with them he will continue this pattern. You’re wearing the same codependency shoes that I do. You deserve Better! My advice is to get counseling to address your codependency and to either walk away or insist he get counseling to address his addiction problems.

Im so sorry you’re hurting.

Gently,

I hear you say he’s your best friend and you want to marry him. To that I have to say, best friends — truly best friends don’t look to hide things, to hurt us, betray us and mistreat us. They consider our emotions, look to bridge connection, share vulnerabilities and create safe spaces for one another.

And marriage, well, I would want all of those qualities in marriage as well. He’s showing you who he is — he’s a person that will lie, that won’t consider how it hurts you, that looks for immediate feel good/ego boosting/attention seeking moments and he doesn’t care what it costs him. Whether that’s his relationship with you, or the shame it then induces in himself.

This person, he’s not capable of consideration, of vulnerability with you, of being a safe space for you. He’s stuck in self destruction and shame and spiraling into brief highs and low lows thereafter.

You can’t change him.

My question to you is, what are you getting from this dynamic? What is keeping you there? Are you hoping he will change? Or thinking maybe this is just something temporary that he does? He’s done it multiple times now. This is what he does. Are you willing to live with that and is that the kind of relationship you want? One where your partner lies, hides things from you and hurts you knowingly?