SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I'm finally healed enough that infidelity related shows don't upset me, and I was watching this show Love and Death about an affair. At some point the man in the affair made the comment to his ap that he was being a better husband because he was happier in the affair. And at some point my stbxww made that same comment about her affair, talking about how she in part justified it because she was so much happier with the ap in her life and therefore she was a better mother and wife. So this comment kind of struck me in the show. It kind of sounds analogous to if I were to give my wife high doses of sleeping pills slipped into her drink or something. I could think to myself, "well, I'm a better husband and father when she's asleep and not bitching about whatever, and plus, she could use the rest anyway..." Of course it's damaging her long term health and I could slip up and use too high a dose and kill her (similar to some STDS), but damnit the whole family just seems to be better off when I'm happy and she's not complaining about things. Yeah, she'd probably be devastated and feel betrayed if she found out I was secretly poisoning her behind her back, but it just makes me so much happier. And when she does get up, groggy but refreshed, I'm able to be so much nicer to her after a full day of not having to interact with her "in one of her moods..."

I struggle to wrap my mind around how anyone ever comes to the place of justifying their affair by sincerely believing it's somehow in everyone's best interest and not just them being a selfish, cake eating egomaniac.

A lot of shows are made by low self worth external validation junkies who are all in into cheating and they bring it up into mainstream media and culture as something "positive " so it can be normalized and others don’t look at them as nauseating little people who they truly are.

Is the BS (as in Bull…) a wayward tells their BS to justify, just with a higher production value.

Message is clear: cheating is natural, you’re just stupid you take it so seriously.

As a famous philosopher said: fk it

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 12:51 PM, Thursday, January 29th]

Unfortunately, you will have that kind of disgusting logic floated for things like that, but it is all based on a corrupt and crumbling foundation.

She was not being a better wife...in fact a more disgusting one. Being able to have no prick of conscience, smiling like on top of the world, all while destroying the lives of the ones she supposedly loved the most.

Reminds me of an exposed situation discussed in the Bible where some people back in Christ's time totally missed the mark regarding God's grace saying...."Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound?" The answer of course strongly opposed ..."God forbid!!!"

So no, one should not embrace an affair because it "seemingly" produces some short term positive effect. Time will show lasting and real devastation.

Do good....✌️

My two cents, cheaters will tell themselves whatever they need to in order to justify the affair.

During my H’s last affair I was the enemy. We didn’t argue or fight much until the affair reared its ugly head. He then resented me, hated me, wanted nothing to do with me, mocked me etc.(you get the picture).

Why? In his mind I was standing in his way of being with the OW. She was going to leave him if he didn’t D me — but yet he did nothing about it. He said he wanted a D but took no steps in 6 months to initiate it.

The cheater in done way has to make the BS the "bad guy" in order to not feel guilt or shame or anything.

Typical cheater behavior BTW.

And at some point my stbxww made that same comment about her affair, talking about how she in part justified it because she was so much happier with the ap in her life and therefore she was a better mother and wife.

That she needed to do something so destructive to her family to be happy is the issue. If she felt that way after the carnage was clear is basically her saying she deserved to cause that pain to her family and friends because she it made her happy. The alternative would be to lean in and find happiness inside her family instead of seeking it in other men. In the end happiness is more an attitude more than results of external factors.

[This message edited by grubs at 4:13 PM, Thursday, January 29th]

To me, infidelity has ripped open my eyes to see that people will abandon the basic assumed virtues and not even flinch. Honesty, loyalty, respect for life, the unspoken foundation for our relating to other people are meaningless to a terrifyingly large number of people. They can retro-justify it with these bullshit stories. But ultimately it’s just a complete failure of character combined with a refusal to look inward to even so much as acknowledge it.

I think you and I fought so hard, in part, in order to not have to look at this. How could our supposedly God fearing wives be this? There must be some mistake. But there was no mistake other than our conception of who they were. And for me now it’s changed how I see people in general, for better or worse.

I have no doubt my wife was happier in a way during her affair because she had the best of both worlds. From 7:00 a.m. till 3:00 p.m. she could laugh, flirt, sext, throw innuendo back and forth with her AP because it was fun and exciting and made her feel younger and still attractive (he is 9 years younger).

From 3:00 p.m. till 7:00 a.m. she reassumed her role as wife/mother and had the Safety and Security that I, her steady dependable reliable trustworthy hard working (boring) husband of 20 years, provided.

In fact, I do not recall any real conflict between us during the several months she was carrying on with him. But of course this arrangement can never last forever and the WS's are too selfish and caught up in themselves to even think about or care about the fallout when the affair is discovered.

It took me a long time to stop getting upset when a movie or TV show or song based on infidelity came on the TV or radio. It just took a while for me to accept that I can either not get upset and be happy or get upset and be miserable but it was my choice

Movies love to romanticize the poor housewife whose husband works too much even though she enjoys the fruits of his labor so she just HAS to succumb to the charms of that younger handsome pool boy or whatever the cliche AP is.

People today are just for the most part selfish and they give little to no thought about the consequences of their selfish actions. Girlfriends support the cheating wife by telling her your husband doesn't appreciate you or you deserve better or this guy could be your true soulmate or whatever BS

I used to be a people person, but then people ruined it.

This is some dumb shit peddled by Ester Perel, an infidelity apologist.

Hollywood writers have absolutely no fucking clue about infidelity. Pisses me off something fierce.

Doesn’t surprise me at all. People in Hollywood have this really strange combination of huge ego but very low self esteem.

This is some dumb shit peddled by Ester Perel, an infidelity apologist.

Hollywood writers have absolutely no fucking clue about infidelity. Pisses me off something fierce.

Considering the amount of cheating going on with celebrities, they have a good idea, it's kind of a badge of honor

I absolutely hate this. If my wife were to even suggest something like this it would be a bad, bad day for both of us.

Considering the amount of cheating going on with celebrities, they have a good idea, it's kind of a badge of honor.

That's the actors, not the writers. If I ever meet Dan Fogelman, who wrote "Crazy, Stupid Live," it's gonna be fugly!

That's the actors, not the writers. If I ever meet Dan Fogelman, who wrote "Crazy, Stupid Live," it's gonna be fugly!

Read the plot, "romantic comedy about love". Point in case, that's the dumpster fire that is presented as "good life role model".

​What a cheater says after being discovered generally holds little value to me. However, if I were ever met with the "cheating made me a better spouse" defense, I would likely oscillate between pure outrage and laughing myself into a blubbering mess on the floor. Once I composed myself and shook it off, I’d offer the only logical response: "If cheating made you a better wife, then divorcing you is going to give me a better life."

RE: the debate on medias role in all of this. I feel it is the media landscape that creates a "pincer movement" on the victims of infidelity through two distinct, damaging narratives:

- ​The Glorification of the Affair: Media often frames the betrayal as a journey of "self-discovery" or a pursuit of missing passion. They justify the choice by portraying the marriage as a prison and the affair as a "jailbreak," turning a series of selfish deceptions into a star-crossed romance.

- The Glorification of Reconciliation: Once the secret is out, the narrative shifts to the idea that "true love" is measured by how much pain a person can endure. It frames staying as the noble, "strong" choice, suggesting the affair was merely a "wake-up call" that ultimately improves the relationship.

​In my view, this cultural glorification is exactly what leads many wayward spouses to believe they can get away with it. It emboldens them to offer disgustingly selfish responses like, "I thought we were strong enough to survive this," or, "You aren't going to throw us away over this, are you?"

This frustration led me to start a screenplay a while back about a "cake-eating" wife and a husband who chooses to reconcile—not out of romance, but as a cold, calculated vehicle to maintain his house and lifestyle. To challenge the status quo, he encounters a woman who holds the polar opposite view of the "reconciliation is beautiful" narrative, someone who caustically and humorously demolishes the idea of staying for "love."

​I got halfway through episode one before life got in the way, but my partner thinks it’s excellent and is pushing me to send it to the BBC. I think I might finish it; I’m sick of the downsides / realities of reconciliation being ignored by a media that prefers a "happily ever after" over the harsh reality of betrayal.

Edited to say, this reads as if I have first hand experience of reconciliation. I don't, my experience comes from reading thousands of accounts of both failed and ongoing reconciliation. Mentioning the pain years after dday. Triggers sometime a decade after.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 6:44 PM, Friday, January 30th]

My H said something like this. He actually told me the OW was helping him with our M! I think he was still in contact with her when he said that to me.

Maybe he thought their relationship started out that way. She was happy to listen to his complaints about me, validate his feelings towards me, and give him advice. She would complain about her H to mine. All the while, she was using every piece of intell to seduce him.

It's bullshit! Like has been said, it's another way for cheaters to justify their behavior and lessen their guilt. Completely self-serving.

​In my view, this cultural glorification is exactly what leads many wayward spouses to believe they can get away with it. It emboldens them to offer disgustingly selfish responses like, "I thought we were strong enough to survive this," or, "You aren't going to throw us away over this, are you?"

Yes this is most definitely playing a role.
We formed that idea of what is good or bad in our younger years.

When we are young we need discovery, so sex and dating different partners plays a role.

Still you have your instinct telling you that something is wrong, shallow and what you need is a deeper connection than surface level encounters.

So the instincts tells your already what is right and wrong. Insecurity and inexperience push you to go with the flow of what looks mainstream acceptable.

In those years, when I was kid and still now, most "relationships shows" are glorifying choosing variety over loyalty, basically encouraging cheating because "it is not so bad" so most of us learn that "yeah is bad, but is not so bad, it can happen, get over it" (note: still nobody wants to be in the shoes of the BS, so "it not so bad" is valid only for the cheater, how surprising).

Is all transactional, instant gratification with no regards for the pain you inflict to others, actually the victims of your bad actions should feel sorry for your struggle and happy that "you find yourself"and glad to take you back when you are done and realize "now I want the comfort I had before my adventures".

Yes, it most definitely influenced choices of some people (not all) with weak personality who ended up cheating, thinking it was going to be normal and fine.

A picture is worth more than a thousand words.