I wrote this about one year in. Even now, roughly 8-9 years in, I'm surprised how applicable this still feels for me. To be fair, I've always been a great observer of people. Whenever I took a new job, I would always look for the people that stood out, the ones that people liked the most, trusted the most, and respected the most. And then I'd learn what about them makes them great, and then adopt those elements into my own regimen. A year in, I had been observing everyone on SI, both WS and BS, and I had started to categorize the people who failed to R, those who were trying but stumbling, and those who had actually "R'd" and were relatively happy in theirs lives and their continued relationship. And then I learned from them. It took time. I was a slow learner. This post was based on what I had surmised at the time, and for me, there just seemed to be a clear progression of steps required to pull your head out of your ass and become a human being again. I saw how people, myself included, would backslide into previous areas of "the fog", and how (and why) they struggled to progress. But I also saw several WS and BS that had made it, and put a high priority on their responses on the forums. They had successfully walked the path that I was on, and in order to save myself, I had to learn how to adopt their wisdom and apply it in my own life. And again, that took time, and failure.
I don't think that I would change anything now. What I wrote was accurate, in my opinion, at least. If anything, I struggle with how to help others navigate the tricky path from "I'm a bad person" to "I'm a good person who did some bad things". For me, and I think for most people, it really takes a "reboot". You have to come to terms with (and have a level of comfort with) the most stubborn and painful parts of your life and of yourself, which is something that doesn't come naturally. You have to create that for yourself. You have to create a new "you", one that you craft yourself, and you and only you decide who that person is going to be. Will you be fair, honest, trustworthy, giving, humble and vulnerable? Or will you continue to hurt yourself and others with the part of your personality that allowed you to bebase yourself in the first place, and to hurt the people who love you the most? You'd be surprised how tempting it is to choose the latter. As shitty as it sounds, it's what we know, it's our comfort level, it is who we identify as. The trick to recovery is turn that shit around. Stop seeing yourself as a liar, for example, and instead, see yourself (your new self that you are creating) as an honest person, and someone who is sick to death of the lies he told before. But from this day on, that man will no longer exist, and this new you will take its place. The absolute best outcome, regardless of R or D, is for the WS to turn their life around and become a better person. It's a win for everyone involved. And it will literally change your life. But you have to want it, more than anything. And then ride that train to the end.
