SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Posting another update here. Definitely feeling the need to let some things out.

On Monday we had our MC session, I think it was good in that I was able to iterate my current feelings about the affair. As much as I want to express them all the time, I am still hesitant because I know it will cause my wife/the baby stress. So I feel I need to stuff them down more than I would like to. However, we got to a sore subject in talking about my feelings on the affair and that is with our current sex life.

Currently my wife is going through her sex trauma in therapy, and so even though we are improving on things in the communication/support department, there has been hardly any movement in the intimacy part. Right now she is giving me affection under the motivation of a duty/checklist, so there is very little romance behind it, which makes me feel bad. I discussed it with our MC and she told me that I need to expect that part to come further down the road because of my wife's sexual trauma. And I get that its a process, but I was hoping to see the intimacy grow a little bit as we are boosting up the other areas of our marriage.

The MC suggested we do physical/verbal intimacy without full on sex until our next session (next Thursday). I agreed but still felt bad.

So I expressed I am feeling discouraged before we ended MC, and later that day with my wife I told her I really do empathize that she is dealing with a lot of sexual issues in therapy. But I haven't felt genuine passion from her in 6 years, and the fact she was able to relay sexual passion and desire another man online changes the equation a lot. So I am planting my feet down that I need to see improvement there sooner rather than later. It doesn't have to be even sex, I would take just looking at me with passion again or physical intimacy (other than sex) that isn't intiated because of guilt or duty.

I mentioned to her previously (not sure in this thread) that I need to see genuine improvement in the major areas of our marriage (teamwork, intimacy, support and communication) by the end of the year or I need to walk away. Again, not looking for things to be perfect, but I am feeling more hopeless than hopeful that I will have a marriage that is fulfilling to me, and if that doesn't turn around by the end of the year then I need to do an in house separation (I won't leave her during the beginning phases of the baby, I want to be there to support and raise my child) and move towards divorce.

I also made kind of a scorecard spreadsheet to help guage how her/I are satisfied with differrent parts of the marriage. We plan to update that weekly.

One thing I am still struggling with is her Instagram use. I've basically determined even if she was off social media I wouldn't feel safe, because the AP has her number and probably email. So there are just too many paths for him to take to reestablish contact. However, I did ask that she be on Instagram more when I am around vs not around her, and we got in a big fight over that yesterday because she was on instagram a lot while I was getting a haircut, but before I left wasn't on instagram for like 16 hours. I went through her logs when I was home and didn't see anything suspicious (just some likes of dogs and messages to her friend group), but I wasn't expecting to anyways. I am more upset about the disrespect that she isn't abiding by my request and trying to make me feel safe.

On a brighter note, we did take a shower last night and made out a little. It was the first time I genuinely felt she was into something intimate since D-Day (even if it only lasted a few minutes).

This weekend we are announcing the baby to my family. Hoping I don't feel as depressed as I did with hers. But my mom is very difficult to talk to, so I am not optimistic.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 4:47 PM, Thursday, June 29th]

As much as I want to express them all the time, I am still hesitant because I know it will cause my wife/the baby stress. So I feel I need to stuff them down more than I would like to.

Have you discussed that in your individual counseling sessions. You need a place where you can be completely open about your feelings in this situation.

Yes, and I've been given a forum like last time to express things. But it's hard when they are only once a week sessions for an hour

Welp I survived the storm of my parents this weekend (very stressful for me to be around). I hate to say it but I did cave and have 2-3 beers 3 of the 5 days I was with my parents. Definitely disappointed I did it, and am very determined to not drink when I see them again in December. But I just needed something at the end of the day to unwind from. I am back on the sobriety train again.

Conversations with my wife have improved a lot over the weekend. At first I could feel the whole "asking about my feelings" routine our MC is trying to get us to establish fading, and I brought it up to her on the trip up. But for the rest of the weekend she was very good at asking questions and about my feelings. There were times I had to push when we were talking about the affair, which is understandable (but annoying) but she did open up more to me than before.

Basically I was able to learn that, during the affair, even on days where I was good to her (went out on dates, bought her gifts, etc...) she would still send him pictures/messages if she was drunk enough. That helped me with figuring out how much my actions pushed her into the A, which I am feeling my drinking/video games was more of an excuse than a cause (although probably a bit of both still).

Also I heard about how she met him and they first dated. I don't think hearing that background really helped me much, except I am more sure than ever that he didn't care about my wife and was just using her to feed his sex/porn addictions.

The big thing happened last night, when she finally opened up the entire flood gates about how she feels about the affair. Talking about her feelings lead to about 30 minutes straight of crying from her. I then showed her Daddy Doms post the other day on Questions For WS Pt 15 around compartmentalizing (making sure to cover up the website name) on my phone. She agreed that a lot of what he wrote was relatable for her, unfortunantely it also triggered her to the point where she had a full blown panic attack.

I was pretty worried about her and the baby at that point, and luckily remembers the 4-7-8 breathing technique. I taught her how to do that to calm down. Once she calmed down I could tell she was still sad (and crying a bit) for a good part of an hour. I hated to see her that way (I have a bit of a white knight complex), but seeing her reaction did help me feel like any part of romanticizing her affair is gone in her head and she really is remorseful about everything.

It’s good you are talking with your WW. But she still needs to demonstrate empathy for the pain her infidelity caused you. The tears are for her own shame and guilt. She needs to think of you first. Always value yourself.

No comment on your drinking. You know what to do.

Also, nothing you did or didn’t do in your M, caused her to cheat. She vowed to be faithful for better or worse as long as you are married. Period. There is no "but" in those vows.

Good luck.

she would still send him pictures/messages if she was drunk enough. That helped me with figuring out how much my actions pushed her into the A,

When she was drunk enough?

Does she drink too much? If so, IMO that has to be addressed before the infidelity. Alcohol and many drugs change how the brain processes info and makes decisions. If she continues to drink, I don't see how she can prevent herself from fucking up.

Do you need help with alcohol yourself? Have you considered AA? I suspect it'll be easier to stop drinking with support than if you're on your own. '2-3 beers' shouldn't be a problem, but you need to be sure you're honest with yourself and others about how many you actually drank.

The above isn't meant as criticism in any way. It's only about facing facts (if they are indeed facts). I view overuse of alcohol/drugs as diseases for which some treatments are effective for some people. If you're letting alcohol mess up your brains, you'll have to stop before you can heal from being betrayed, IMO. If if neither of you drink too much, great. It's one less giant thing you won't have to deal with.

Oh she apologized to me at least a dozen times since D-Day, including yesterday. So I do think she has empathy, but I don't think she realizes how messed up I am. I hide a lot from her

I was getting drunk 3-4 days a week and she was getting drunk around 2-3 most weeks since the pandemic.

We both haven't been anywhere near drunk since D-Day 7 weeks ago. It was a medication for our individual and relationship depression. And both of us agree we need to severely limit alcohol long term, if not remove it completely if it continues to cause relationship issues

And yes alcohol was a big contributor in our relationship going south and she was drunk almost every time she crossed a boundary line for the first time with the AP. But she also did a lot of sexting and pictures sober, so that isn't an excuse at all

[This message edited by Tav3n at 10:54 PM, Wednesday, July 5th]

So posting here another update.

On paper things have been really great with my wife and I. She has been more intimate (but no sex yet, she is still not in the right frame of mind from dealing with her sexual abuse in IC), planned out multiple dates, asking me more questions, and shown a lot of remorse around the affair (hours of crying in MC and one on one over the last 2-3 weeks). Plus we've really gotten to know each other through MC exercises.

A big part of me has a lot of empathy for her situation. Yes, she had an online sexual/emotional affair, shattered me and killed what was left of our marriage. There is no excuse for it. But I can tell she is going through a lot of guilt and shame. Seeing her take on so much weight from that, plus dealing with the pregnancy stress and trying to get past her sexual/family trauma in IC all at once makes me feel a lot of sympathy for her at times.

Sometimes I want to take D off the table, but I know that right now it just isn't possible. I can tell a lot of her actions are motivated by fear of divorce plus the shame and remorse of having the affair/getting caught. Last week, she even brought up getting caught as one of the primary things that makes her feel shame around the affair. And I know deep down I will never feel secure about our marriage until her actions for our relationship come more from a place of self-love and love for me.

Also a big issue is that, even though we are going through the MC steps and she is putting in a lot of effort for us, that I am still going through early stage emotions. A lot of what I feel day-to-day is sadness, hurt, anger, depression and most of all numb (around 70% of the time). This makes it really hard to understand my emotions and needs for R. The weird part is the best I feel is around her when we are watching TV, cuddling in bed watching TikToks together, talking about our past or on a date. But I know its not anywhere close to the happiness I should be feeling.

I've told her a few times over the week that I can't promise her anything long-term. All I can do is give my best effort to the R process, work on myself to be a better/happier person and support her during the pregnancy. I've also said that even though being with her is a goal, my primary goal is to be a happy, stable person so I can be a great father. I can tell she feels frustrated and hopeless knowing that she can do everything right for the next few months/years and there is still a realistic chance we are divorced.

I also told her a part of me still does love her, but everything that made me want to marry her (the support she gave when we were dating, her kindness and the fact that she cared enough about me not to hurt me) is all gone. And I need to figure out if any of that can be resurrected or what other qualities she has that can get me to stay. Whether we end up together is not a question of love or caring from me, but a need to be happy. And I am not sure if I can be happy with her anymore after everything.

I feel bad because I'm sure a lot of people here would love to be in my situation. Where their BS is really trying, been 100% honest (at least for the last month), have genuine remose over the A, is attending IC/MC and going above and beyond to help out the R process. But in the back of my mind I am still feeling really 50/50 about our future.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 3:53 PM, Wednesday, July 12th]

You expect her to be completely transparent..yet you are hiding your feelings.

It's understandable that you don't want to stress her out now. Bit you will have another excuse when the baby gets here.

When will you feel safe enough to express your pain and anger?

Part of her work is to grow a thicker skin,so you can tell her how you really feel.

She's in IC. And MC. What other work is she doing to become a safe partner?

She should absolutely give up instagram. As for the OM having her email address, she can delete that account, and get a new email. She can also change her phone number. Most other WS have done all of this. It's ok to ask for the bare minimum.

I did say this all in MC on Monday, she cried a lot but was glad to know. As for things she's doing it includes

1) initiating intimacy

2) planning dates

3) asking about my day to day/how I'm feeling

4) initiating new marriage rituals

5) apologizing a lot

6) paying for MC

7) reduced Instagram,/Facebook time by 90%

8) offered her phone to me several times

9) answered questions about the affair with brutal details for about a month

If things go south or I suspect anything I'll ask for those things, but I really do think there is NC since D-Day. So I don't see me getting any more benefit or reassurance from more restrictions

[This message edited by Tav3n at 5:26 PM, Wednesday, July 12th]

Those things are nice,but very few have to do with the work she needs to do on herself. IC is a start. Is she reading infidelity books? Has she joined a forum to better understand her choices, and work her shit out? Is she digging deep to figure out why she cheated? It's good that she's digging into her sexual trauma..but she needs to be figuring out what it, is in her,that said it was ok to cheat.

It has nothing to do with anything you did,or didn't do.

Sorry man but no, you being an emotionally distant alcoholic playing too many videogames did not push your wife to have an affair. It was a very selfish and damaging thing to do to your relationship, yes. It's something you need to own and stay on top of.

But tell me how it would be okay to blame your drinking on her behavior in the relationship. It wouldn't, would it.

So no. You own your shitty contributions to your marriage and she owns hers. Hers was an affair. It was all hers, just like drinking is all yours. Neither of you will ever heal if you don't take full ownership of your own issues.

Those things are nice,but very few have to do with the work she needs to do on herself. IC is a start. Is she reading infidelity books? Has she joined a forum to better understand her choices, and work her shit out? Is she digging deep to figure out why she cheated? It's good that she's digging into her sexual trauma..but she needs to be figuring out what it, is in her,that said it was ok to cheat.

It has nothing to do with anything you did,or didn't do.

She hasn't joined a forum I don't think, but I showed her some reddit forums to look at.

As for books she is currently reading not just friends, she's also heard 2 audio books on how to support your spouse after infidelity. And we went through a relationship building book together for people who experienced infidelity.

And agreed, I mentioned her why is really important to understand, along with gaining back her self-love. But if you can think of anything else that she should be doing Im all ears (or in this case eyes)

So no. You own your shitty contributions to your marriage and she owns hers. Hers was an affair. It was all hers, just like drinking is all yours. Neither of you will ever heal if you don't take full ownership of your own issues.

Thanks man, I definitely am owning my part to the marriage breaking down to a bad place, but I am in no way owning the cause for the infidelity. That being said, if we can somehow manage to get to the point where we are happy with a better marriage/relationship than what we had before, I need to do my part to be a stable, supporting and loving husband/father.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 7:00 PM, Wednesday, July 12th]

This is the part that concerned me

"That helped me with figuring out how much my actions pushed her into the A, which I am feeling my drinking/video games was more of an excuse than a cause (although probably a bit of both still)."

I see you owning your problems and working on them. Don't let them take even partial ownership of hers.

She definitely could have used it as an excuse. I struggle with alcohol so I know how much we can make excuses to drink, it's insidious.

So if I read that wrong I apologize. If I didn't then just stay away from the thinking that it could even be a bit of both.

Stay strong man.

It would be good for you to ask that question in the General forum.."what does "the work" entail for the ws?" You will get answers from BS and FWS.

I am glad you are not owning her affair as your problem. We all have problems but having an affair is the worst way to deal with problems.

You didn't push her into an affair. She did that on her own.

It sounds like you are trying to be open to work things out. I couldn't but I am not you nor am I in your situation.

I agree with Fareast. How much does she own the affair and also do you know everything ?

Knowing everything gives you the unique ability to know what you are forgiving. Some blindly forgives it hoping for the least amount of damage however, it's your future. You have a great future.

As you move forward and it seems like you are heading to R, ask yourself 5 things or keep in mind 5 things

1) Do you know everything ? Timeline ? Communications ?

2) She cut down Instagram 90% but is AP out and how can you verify ? Keep in mind that identities can change despite the fact they are the same person. My buddy Ken's wife changed the identity of her affair partner from Matt to Mary. It took him a year to find out the affair continued. Be vigilant.

3) She may cry and show regret. There is a difference between regret and remorse. Do you know the line ?

4) Please keep in mind that your family is on your side. They love you, they are an asset and they have been there for you. Please do not turn against them if they question your desire to 'work things out' because if you are unsuccessful in 'working things out' and you shun them, you will lose a support base. Plus they were hurt too because they saw you get hurt. Infidelity hurts more than the betrayed. I almost made that mistake and didn't and when I got betrayed for a second time, all were in my corner. Keep your support group intact.

5) Have two plans if you are heading to R. The plans are R and D. Don't tell her about the D plan. You aren't perfect. I am not perfect. Noone is. However, you need to control the parameters here. Be prepared for the worst. Hope for the best. If you fix your own issues and things hit the fan again, you have the ability to walk out with your head up high.

I am in your corner and really hope the best for you.

BTW, thanks for still being engaged in your thread. Some walk away. Please keep us in the loop.

Hey Western,

Appreciate your advice! I believe I know everything important, but to be honest my wife has a lot of shame still with the relationship. And she hasn't really said a lot of cringy details about the affair unless I ask (shes only come out with the general timeline of things on her own).

So there may be a few things I don't know about unless I ask, but I am not sure what I should be asking at this point. But that being said, I want to answer your questions, maybe there is something to think about

1) Do you know everything ? Timeline ? Communications ?

Again I think I know the big things. It was an online affair from June-May, with things becoming very sexual from the end of August onward. They would talk/exchange pics/videos/sexts on average about 3-4 times a week via instagram (more in the beginning, less over the last few months).

2) She cut down Instagram 90% but is AP out and how can you verify ? Keep in mind that identities can change despite the fact they are the same person. My buddy Ken's wife changed the identity of her affair partner from Matt to Mary. It took him a year to find out the affair continued. Be vigilant.

I've downloaded her instagram logs around 3 times now. I have seen his account blocked every time with the same time stamp (d-day). I also have not seen any logs of them communicating (they will not show if the person is blocked). I also have looked at her texts, deleted texts and notifications in general at least a dozen times. Ive also looked twice at her app purchase history to see if anything new was downloaded since DDay. Nothing suspicious has come up.

Again all of that really didn't give me assurance. What helped a few weeks ago was hearing her talk about the affair. I could tell by her crying and her reaction when talking about him that she would get a huge wave of anxiety and fear if she ever talked to him again. I also believe she has opened her eyes more to the fact that he was just using her to masturbate for the most part. So thats extra assurance.

3) She may cry and show regret. There is a difference between regret and remorse. Do you know the line ?

I do, I think its a bit of both to be honest right now. I told her yesterday that I feel like she is crying more tears of shame instead of feeling remorse for me and the baby, and the situation she has put us in. I also expressed that shame is a very selfish emotion to have for the affair, and that it is that ty[e of inward way of thinking that allowed her to cheat in the first place. So I don't view her as a safe partner yet (and I let her know).

4) Please keep in mind that your family is on your side. They love you, they are an asset and they have been there for you. Please do not turn against them if they question your desire to 'work things out' because if you are unsuccessful in 'working things out' and you shun them, you will lose a support base. Plus they were hurt too because they saw you get hurt. Infidelity hurts more than the betrayed. I almost made that mistake and didn't and when I got betrayed for a second time, all were in my corner. Keep your support group intact.

Sadly my family is not a great support system for me. My dad has a very religious mindset, and my mom is a very irrational person. So if I told them they would either shun my wife completely or give me very bad advice on how to proceed with R. I do have a few good friends who know and have been supportive. Plus my therapist is really helpful.

5) Have two plans if you are heading to R. The plans are R and D. Don't tell her about the D plan. You aren't perfect. I am not perfect. Noone is. However, you need to control the parameters here. Be prepared for the worst. Hope for the best. If you fix your own issues and things hit the fan again, you have the ability to walk out with your head up high.

Yeah Ive talked to a divorce lawyer. She doesn't know. But I did say to my wife that if things aren't in a better place by December than I am going to move forward with an in-house separation and the divorce proceedings. That being said, things have been better since I said that, but I am still looking for something to happen that makes me feel more hopeful for us. Just not quite sure what that is, but I am hoping to feel it when it happens.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 4:07 PM, Thursday, July 13th]

So its been a week since my last update and boy has it been a rollercoaster. A lot of emotions but growth as well.

Two big triggers occurred for me this week. The first was the official two month mark of DDay on Monday (just a sucky day in general). The 2nd was going to a cabin retreat with some friends over the weekend. There I had a moment when I realized that my wife was probably heavily flirting/sending pictures to the AP the last time I went to this retreat with my friends a year ago. So it put me on an emotional rollercoaster and made it difficult to enjoy being with my friends. I spoke to my therapist about what strategies I can do to minimize my sadness and enjoy the better things in life, and he told me the best thing I can do is live with the emotion until its run its course. He also recommended that I try to let my friends know if I am feeling down. Which sucked to hear, as I was hoping there was some mental technique, like there is for anxiety, to reduce sadness.

Also the end of last week, before I left for the cabin, was pretty rough. I am still struggling with initiating communication in the way our MC has taught, and it has lead to her becoming defensive/minimizing her answers. This type of interaction caused us to a fight over her not empathizing with me enough and being proactive in putting up boundaries. My therapist suggested that I might be playing too much of a parent role with her by trying to control and dictate what she does, instead of expressing my emotions and needs. Also, both he and the MC said that I need to not bottle up things that I am upset about then explode later on (which happened last week). So I am trying to work on that.

We eventually sorted this out on Monday when I came back from my friends. She agreed that she is only going to go on instagram/facebook around me until we get to a good place and only go on it to post life updates (i.e. baby annoucement, birth of our baby, birthday pictures, ect...). She also is in the process of setting up a new email account/deleting the old email that the AP has and updating her instagram/facebook name/handle. Finally she said she would ask her last close friend, who still follows the AP, to unfollow him.

The last 2 days have been good for our communication. On Tuesday we had a long talk about the affair and I got answers around the reamining questions I had, along with some recent concerns. My main remaining concern was that he may have visited my wife last year or in the early spring. She said that, although she may have been very tempted to meet last fall, that he never stated he wanted to meet in person and said that he was going to stay away from her the one time she went to Florida without me (the state he lives). She also said that, because of her sexual trauma, that she rarely was the one to make the conversations into sexting/nude pictures. He was the one that started it almost every time (although she admitted to a handful of times she started it). I respected the honesty, because she gave a lot of details to every answer and provided insights that I never would have learned otherwise. Also I didn't notice her normal cues that she puts on when she is lieing.

Yesterday was also good for our communication, although tough. We went through a chapter in our couples book on "Understanding if you have the strength to take on the risk of reconciliation". I was very determined to follow the guidelines of our MC when talking to my wife about this subject (although she struggled a bit on the routine). I expressed that I am not in the emotional place to figure out if I do have the courage to take on the risks of still being with her or if our new relationship will be enough to outweigh the pain of the affair. It was tough to hear, especially since we both agreed she is doing a lot of things right in the R process, but she appreciated the honesty.

We also got into talking about how I feel about her progress in supporting me. I tried to be as fair as possible with my feedback and give examples as to why I graded her the way I did (it was a true/false questionnaire). She appreciated the honesty. I also mentioned that I don't feel like she has been open with what she got out of the affair. For the most part she told the MC and myself that she just wanted a partner to talk to and a male who would make her feel heard. I challenged her yesterday about that saying you don't cross lines as much as she did for a year if that was the only thing she wanted. So she finally admitted that she got an emotional high off of being able to get a man off whenever she wanted (she specifically used the word manipulate, which I think might be related to her sexual trauma), and that it made her feel good to get praise on her body. The only thing she didn't admit, which I suggested she explore, is that she has a perfectionist complex (i.e. need to be perfect all the time and not fail) and I mentioned how I read that with that, sometimes people with that complex get a high from doing things that are bad/secretive. She said that it could be true as well and that she needed to explore that further with IC.

Last note, one of the things I want to work on moving forward is triggering my mind into parinoia or obsession. The two main ways I am doing that right now is by looking at the OBS' instagram (shes public) to see signs if her and the AP are on bad terms, and going on here to see things other WS are doing for R and bringing that to my own situation. I am realizing how toxic these things are and are hurting my R process (both personal and with the marriage). So very focused on not doing that anymore.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 4:53 PM, Thursday, July 20th]

Wow, its been awhile since I've updated. I'm sorry to see that my post went to page 2 and hope all of the people going through the recovery process are surviving.

There has been so much that occurred over the last week and a half. My WW has done a lot better in terms of appreciation and communication. Its nice to see her (finally) asking me on a frequent basis how I am doing. She has a massive fear of conflict, so asking a question where she may get an answer that will make her feel bad is really difficult. I am thankful my WW is facing that fear.

We've had 2 nice weekends. A few weekends ago my wife took me out to a pro wrestling show (yes I am that kind of hillbilly) for my birthday. On the way there I was feeling some tension because she had mentioned some things to me a few days before that made me feel like she was doing acts of kindness to appease me, which is a big trigger because I don't want to be in a relationship if my wife is just trying to stay with me out of duty or fear.

At the advice of my therapist, I had started to write down my emotions and some things to her from my journal a few days later. They were emotions that were hard to hear but I feel like some things didn't really sink in for her so I brought it up again on the way to the show. My WW has a hard time letting go of things that negatively effect her, so our conversation on how I was feeling stuck with her throughout the night and dampened the evening.

I was hoping that, as part of my birthday weekend we would be able to have sex again (we haven't had sex for 2 months as she is working through her sexual trauma still and wants to be fully into it the next time we have sex), but she said the conversation on my feelings took her out of the mood. So that lead to me feeling even worse about us, and I wrote down my feelings on the weekend and that I felt like we were headed for divorce, which I have been feeling for the last few weeks. She wound up reading my update and broke down, thinking it was my way of saying I wanted the divorce, so I had to clarify that it wasn't what I meant, along with a few other points in my journal that she took the wrong way. Not sure if you all have this situation as well, but its really hard to express your feelings when your spouse takes everything in the worst way possible.

So communication was pretty bad until last Tuesday, when I talked to my therapist and he recommended we stay away from discussing topics we can't resolve on our own unless the MC is around. This has helped a lot with improving our communication in general and has had the side effect of making me pause to evaluate my feelings more before expressing them. Another great piece of advice my therapist gave was to know the difference between making my wife accountable to live up to my standards of marriage vs relying on her to provide positive emotions. At the end of the day its up to me to feel confident, worthwhile and happy, and I shouldnt rely on another person for those emotions. However, I still do expect my wife to treat me and our marriage in a way that helps habor those emotions, but I shouldn't need her to have them.

We also did a number of couple exercises that focused on appreciation and remembering good momemnts last Tuesday-Wednesday. Up until this point all of our couple exercises have been focused on how to build up a new relationship and communication about our relationship before/the affair. And I feel like it created a bit of an emotional burnout with us where I was starting to obsess about the affair details and how my WW was treating me too much. So if anyone is in a similar situation I highly recommend finding some exercises on expressing appreciation or communicating positive aspects about your partner.

Its my WW birthday this Saturday, and since we are focusing on appreciation in couples therapy, I am taking the opportunity to express my appreciation for her efforts so far by making a memorable week for her. We went camping over the weekend and on Saturday I took her out to a good italian restaurant (one of her favorite cuisines) along with seeing the Barbie Movie afterwards. On Tuesday we are going to see her favorite band live, and on Friday I am taking her to a Harry Potter themed bar.

A part of me is feeling a little resentful doing these things. I really feel what you all say about how it feels like the WS gets everything they want out of the affair situation and we get long-term trauma, but I am trying to take the advice of the "Not Just Friends" book by doing my part in building the relationship back and to not put out resistance in our efforts.

That being said, I do feel like my depression is finally getting better by doing these nice things and being able to evaluate my emotions better. Im actually about to go a chunk of time every few hours without thinking about the affair, the parinoia of what my wife is up to or just the general sadness of the situation. So I will take the win.