SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ive had the book for several years now. I asked if he would read it, he hasn't, it's been sitting in plain view for years. I got a lot out of it, his multiple concurrent affairs were from work, off work boards. Funny though, I also have 5 languages of love. His IC recommended that and he read the quiz part,Section that she recommended.

My WS and I both read the majority of it (we got it on audiobook and the person reading it is very robotic do not recommend). There were some interesting and helpful points in it and it definitely helped him see how his lack of good boundaries led him to a place where he could cheat on me (and did). The fallout for him was losing several good friends including his AP's friendship and almost losing his family. It was a difficult read for both of us. Especially the play by play recounting of affair scenes.

Dialapenguin, it is interesting that the WS says they are too busy. That is the excuse that I keep getting from my WH when I tell him what I need from him. He wasn't too busy to stay up all hours chatting with OW(plural) online but now he is too busy!

Yes gamewarden...it frustrates me immensely my wh had no problem with time management when it came to his Pa or his Ea....nor is time or a busy full schedule an issue if its something he wants to do/see but pretty much anything that he should do on a deeper level to foster healing and promote a healthier marriage going foward is put on the backburner or put off altogether

Yes gamewarden...it frustrates me immensely my wh had no problem with time management when it came to his Pa or his Ea....nor is time or a busy full schedule an issue if its something he wants to do/see but pretty much anything that he should do on a deeper level to foster healing and promote a healthier marriage going foward is put on the backburner or put off altogether

We both read it... me first, and then fWW... and she read it of her own volition. It was VERY eye-opening... for us both.

Good luck on your journey!

Peace.

~SilverEagle

I read it and asked my WW to read it too. She actually has spent more time with it than I have. She also purchased the ebook for when she travels. We both are liking "Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart" by Douglas Snyder. This one was recommended to me by Minnesota, here on the forums. I found it to be much less triggery as the author doesn't spend as much time describing the affairs (I don't know why Not Just Friends does that).

To be honest with you, both my BS and myself credit that book for most of the progress we made early on. In fact, if we hadn't read it, it's very likely we'd be apart instead of trying to reconcile.

She had started reading it first on the advice of our MC, and I had started to read the 7 principles of a happy marriage book. While 7 principles is a great book and I recommend it, NJF is better for someone coming fresh off of an A. It really helped her understand herself, the timeline of things, what to expect, and above all that, it helped her understand my perspective as well and the challenges she would face in recovery. I read it at the same time, and it helped me to start coming out of the fog and understand what she was feeling and experiencing as well. I now wish we had read it together, but at the time we read it separately and then took the time to discuss the interesting parts together.

So yes, as a WS I wholeheartedly recommend asking your WS to read it.

I shared it with my WS about a month ago. He has read a whopping 9 pages (kindle edition). Unless, the WS really wants to work on their issues asking them to read this book will be a waste of time.

Gotta love kindle....... where you can see EXACTLY what and where your WS has read.

In my case? 4%

Jeeeeeesh....!

I read it and listened to it in audiobook form with hopes to get some kind of understanding with...well, everything. I made notes, highlights, etc.

I asked my WS to read it and she very reluctantly agreed to, but then I found out she only read the highlighted parts I made .

She never would agree to discuss together or made any effort to read completely.

This angered me at first, but in the end I decided to drop it. The book made a lot of good points but the examples used didn't relate to well to our experience which was strictly EAs.

Well I am the wayward wife and I have read it and I'm trying to get my betrayed husband to read it but he is too numb and zombie-ish to read it (d day was just 2.5 weeks ago.) I found it extremely helpful and insightful and was hoping that my husband could find some answers and understanding in it but so far it has sat on his bedside table untouched. He also refuses IC.

After my WS read it, he suggested I read it also. I felt bitter about his request and ignored it. (I know, super mature.)

I'm reading it now and really wish I would've started it back when he asked.

In fact I'd recommend it to be the first book the BS reads after a coworker or friend turned lover A is discovered. It gives good suggestions on how to handle things moving forward.

Edit: Sorry, didn't realize I double responded on this. Ugh. Need less work and more caffeine...

WS here. My BS asked me to read this within days of D-day. It was recommended by our MC at the time, along with the 7 Principles book, which is what I started reading first. My BS loved Not Just Friends and suggested that I read it as well. She liked how it explained both sides of what had happened and what was going on, in a non-blame sort of way. It helped her to understand what had happened. She also really liked that it gave her sort of a "timeline" of things that needed to happen in order to heal.

I found it very helpful, and in retrospect, I wish we had taken the opportunity to read it together rather than concurrently. It went a long way towards helping me "get it" faster, and to start coming out of my fog faster. (Both of those things are still a work in progress but I am working it).

The "How to help your spouse heal after the affair" book helped me a LOT too, and we both read "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown which was the subject of much help and conversation for us both.

Oh, and the quiz part?

Ok, quick story. I was still in the A when we first went to see the MC. In fact, it turns out it was a week before D-day. Things in the A were winding down for me and I was starting to really feel guilty about things. I was in the fog for sure, but wanted to start working my way away from the AP and back to my wife and family, and so I actually called the MC and made an appt. During the appt, I sat there and told the MC how my AP was "just a friend", yada yada. The MC pulled out that list and started to read it to me (us). She didn't ask me to answer, just consider. Every single one of those questions was like a knife in my gut. They tore apart every lie that I had told myself and others, and I started to realize that what I was thinking and feeling wasn't true. That I had somehow convinced myself that she was just a friend even though an affair was going on. (If you haven't been there, it's hard to understand). Anyway, yes, it helped, a LOT. Make him read it. Tell him to read the book or read the divorce papers, his choice. The book is a better read I think. :)

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 2:58 PM, April 7th (Friday)]

We are reading it together after WH's EA with a former coworker. I like the book and it's opened up my eyes to a lot of things. WH isn't as fond of it as it gets our conversations going about what happened.

I am currently reading it and don't plan on give it to WS. If he wants to read anything he can take the initiative to do so. I'm planning on reading "First Aid for the Betrayed" after that. Crazy how I went from a life of reading novels for fun to reading books on infidelity.

I actually read the entire book myself first and then I got the audio version for my FWH and I. We did listen to the entire book and we ALWAYS listened to the audio together so that we could discuss the many different topics and we both found the book to be extremely insightful. It helped clarify for him to understand a BS perspective and for me as the BS to try and comprehend a WS thought processes pre-A, during the A and post-A.

I have found the audio versions to be very helpful because we can play back parts that we needed or wanted to hear again or that we wanted our spouse to hear again to help us both understand what had happened, what was currently happening and how to try and move forward.

So, whenever I find a book that I feel will be very beneficial to us I always get the audio version so that we can listen to it together.

I read the book. In my (unorthodox) opinion it is a rug sweeping manual written by someone who has no idea about the pain caused by infidelity.

Since my. H was serviced by a prostitute, a workplace situation does not apply to us.

But generally speaking, I have read OUT LOUD many books with/to my infant H.

It has made no difference, and I TOTALLY resent the time I spent.

From this point on, if the subject of ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING to help us heal is brought up, I tell him that if he really wants a change, he can figure it out.

He is a grown man, for God's sake, who didn't have any problem with how to get blown by a whore, and there I was reading to him.

Sorry..........a bit of a vent there........OK, I'm better now.

I read it after DDay1 then gave it to my XWH.

He then had the OW (now his W) to read it as well. It was under the guise that they were both trying to stay in there own marriages.

After DDay2 I found out through their email exchanges that they were comparing notes and using certain portions to justify their attraction to each other. "See, it says right here that this will happen" blah blah blah

I ordered the paperback and expect it to be here Friday. I'll take it on my work trip and read it to WH when I return.