SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by disgustedbyme at 12:38 PM, March 15th (Monday)]

[This message edited by disgustedbyme at 6:38 PM, Monday, March 15th]

In terms of proof he wants to see that the OM exists. That there is someone other than the guy from karate. He fears that it was the guy from karate all along and that the betrayal cuts deeper. I am not speaking for him only repeating what he has said; staying with me is betraying his own values but divorcing me betrays them as well. He is stuck. While I do struggle with letting go of the outcone, I have here. I have no idea where we will end up. I fear it will not be a good ending but it will be based on reality. Lying has always been my comfort zone. The truth has been difficult for me but it is freeing. And I won't get into the details of the foreclosure but my husband didn't know. I mixed truth and lies and he believed me. He used to trust me. I have forever destroyed that between us. I understand that I sound like I am still lying, still protecting myself. If I was scrolling through the forums and read this I would dismiss the writer as well. I've defended my lies for a long time. I am no longer lying.

With social media being what it is, you can't find OM on Facebook,twitter,snapchat, etc?

You can't Google him?

You said the OM was a coworker. No friends at that old job that can tell him about the man? Manager won't confirm this man worked there?

A PI can't track him down?

No online tracking service can find him?

If he was a coworker, you knew his last name. You can search for people with that last name in his town,on Facebook, and maybe find a relative of his, and find him that way.

What about looking up property records,or court records in his town?

It's possible to find anyone these days. You just have to put in the work to find them.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:42 PM, March 15th (Monday)]

AP was someone that I met at a work meeting. There were people from all over our state there. He was not someone that I saw daily at work. He lived several hours away. I had contact with him seven years ago. My BH has tried to look him up over the years and we haven't found him. I am not on any social media. We have discussed getting a PI. I will ask him again if he would like to go that route.

When I started to read this thread, I was curious about your story and read your first thread and then all posts you've send.

My feeling when I started reading was that you were writing for your husband, not the members you wanted to get their views on. Exaggerated praises about him, expressions of sorrow, sentences to persuade him etc... And I was not wrong, just at the end of the same post you said that your husband reads this site every day.

Ok, that was 4 years ago, people can change, now you might really want to gain his trust. But this is not what I saw as this last thread progressed. There are gaps in your story. You avoid explaining certain things and answering some questions.

The forclosure incident for example. This means the money was spent on something else that had to be paid. Obviously this wasn't an expense for your family and was hidden from your husband.

And your story with two AP's... You sexted them for a long time but never call them, didn't know their voices, so you didn't realise that they were different people. Moreover, there was no texting with the 2nd AP in which you could realise who he was. What would you think if you listened to this story from someone else?

And the poly question you've failed. A few people openly asked, but you act like you've never seen it. Ok, you don't have to answer it. But please don't act like you don't know what the reason for failing is. As I have exemplified above, you can't fail poly unaware that you are lying.

It seems like you are here to manipulate your Husband. I suggest you be honest with yourself, your husband and the SI members if you really want to take advantage of their views.

I think you're putting the cart before the horse here. Instead of spending a fortune sending a PI on a wild goose chase to find a man who doesn't exist, put that money towards psychiatric treatment for yourself as a pathological liar.

The way that you have ruined your life is different from standard wayward lying, even with the FOO and CSA you describe. Waywards lie to get away with cheating. We give ourselves assorted self-justifications, but there is a purpose and a goal to it. Pathological lying may or may not have any purpose at all. It's a compulsion to tell the lie for the sake of lying. Plausibility is secondary, or even irrelevant. Sometimes, pathological liars need the listener to know that they aren't telling the truth.

There are studies that have shown physical differences in the brains of compulsive liars. If you just "try to stop lying," you'll fail. My guess is that you don't really want to. Coming here and telling us a whopper like this, that you know no one in their right mind would believe, when our belief isn't consequential to the outcome, is not rational behavior. It's a routine exercise of your compulsion.

If losing your home and destroying your spouse's sanity hasn't driven you, in four years, to get yourself some serious help, then I can't imagine what we have to offer you. But on the off chance that you're actually drowning instead of performing the high dive for our attention: this is a real disorder. Look into it.

Regarding the foreclosure we had the money to pay the mortgage. I was shutting down mentally as I was emotionally stuck in the childhood abuse. I lied when we received notices from the bank and my husband trusted me. We had been together for 20 years and I had not given him any reason to not believe me. After my father died and I learned more about his life and I shut down. The abuse that I had stuffed down came back up. Regarding the APs - I sexted with the first one a couple of times over a period of several months. I was drinking heavily and I don't have clear memories of the contact. I did not have contact with anyone for years after that. During those years I was lying my way through the fallout of DDay with my husband. I wasn't consistently paying our bills and failing in other areas of life. After I lost our house we ended up in a hotel while looking for housing. While in the hotel I received the email from who I thought was AP but later learned it was the guy from karate. I should have told my husband about the email but didn't. I used the phone number 3 months later and my husband caught me that night. I have been horrible to my husband. I understand that my story is all over the place and I wouldn't believe it either if I was reading. Regarding the polygraph question that I failed - it was questioning if my husband knew about all of the contact with the guy from karate. When I was asked that question I was thinking about contact I had with him in class. It was not inappropriate contact but it triggered a fail for that question. I passed all other questions. I have manipulated my husband and I understand why my intention here is being questioned. Yes, I post to support my husband. When I first posted in here years ago I did so with his guidance. I know my husband will read my responses now but my intention now is to seek guidance to help us move forward. BraveSirRobin- I have a masters degree in social work. I have learned about narcissism and pathological lying and a host of other disorders that my husband questions me on. I know the csa definitely has impacted me. I know that I lied as a form of protection. I found security in lies. I've had therapy and squandered a lot of it. But I have found some healing as well. I will look more into pathological lying and other disorders. My intention in posting is to move forward in life. I want to move forward with my husband. I want to help him heal. I know I have destroyed him.

Hm

A mysterious OM that no one can find, an "accidental" OM that had been crossing boundaries and publicly humiliating your husband, a failed polygraph regarding accidental OM and specifically the amount of contact you've had with him, "too drunk to remember", inconsistent timelines, and to cap it off, your husband visits this site (or at least was visiting this site as of a few years ago).

If your husband had posted this on JFO, every single person would be telling him that you're lying. Every single one.

[This message edited by HopefulTelephone at 12:12 PM, March 24th (Wednesday)]