SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am being told that I need to focus on the future and not the past if I want to fix our relationship. Build trust and safety slowly, which may take years.

I disagree. Focus on the present. It's the only thing you have any control over, right? Who is your WW today? Is she someone who has reformed her broken character? Does she shift blame to the relationship or claim you were "on a break" ala Ross and Rachel? Can she tell you where her boundaries went and why she gave herself permission to do something she knew was wrong? Has she adopted new coping skills to fill in whatever void she had inside? What are her REAL core values? Is fidelity even a virtue to be prized by her? The questions of TODAY are what's important because their answers will form tomorrow. It's not about love and it's not about you. It's about HER. Who is she? What does she really stand for?

You are NOT obligated to put years into this. That's a choice on your part and it's a really damned big ask from someone who has betrayed you. You only just found out about this a month ago. It's okay to step back and take your time deciding whether you really want to make that kind of investment. There are tons of women out there who have NOT cheated on you and a path not taken if you decide to stay. I think it merits your consideration because there does come a time in this process where you will need to take complete ownership of your choice in order to heal. If there's pressure on you from your WW or from some marriage counselor to "focus on the future" or whatever, that means they're not allowing you to make a thorough enough assessment. It's been a month. That's too soon to ask you to move on like adultery isn't a big deal. It's traumatic for a lot of people and it takes time to absorb the shock, to get past the knee jerk reaction to save the status quo, to assess the suitability of our WS for R, and to decide what our best path to happiness will be.

I'm not trying to discourage you against R, but I do think that you're moving pretty fast and that it might be wise to get your bearings a bit and make sure this is really what you want to do. Cheating is always going to be part of your history with your WW. That part doesn't go away. It happened and it can never un-happen.

My WW was a RN and she cheated with a doctor also so I’m feeling you.

You’re getting peppered with advice here because there is so much work to be done.

First off, you need to get your head straight. As others have said, "We need to take a break to work on ourselves" is classic cheater code, right out of cheater’s playbook for: "I’ve got another evolving relationship on the side I want to devote more time to."

As others have said, you working 60 hours a week is definitely not an excuse to go cheat. That’s just crazy. If we all maintained our marriages with this approach, by summarily cheating whenever a need was not met, we’d all be livin like Glynn Wolfe. Nowhere on the long list of marital problem resolution measures does cheating exist. Divorce is the final measure and, divorce isn’t as final as the coup de grace of cheating. You can easily reconcile from divorce. Cheating not so much. I bet she advanced from measure zero to the nuclear option of cheating in one flirty instant and then,

trumped up this whole blame shift narrative and exaggerated marital history rewrite in a vein attempt to add some sanity to her misadventure, grease that slippery slope and put you on defense should you ever find out.

You can’t just decide to reconcile and "save your marriage" because you ain’t saving shit until she initiates reconciliation, in earnest, with devotion. She has to be the guidon leading the charge on this crusade. You ain’t saving the marriage, she is and, she needs to start by fixing herself and caring for you with loving patience, remorse and empathy.

You can’t force, maneuver, coerce, guilt or beg her to do it. She has to be compelled by her love for you. Nothing else. Not motivated by regret. Not motivated by a desire for stability, security, the kids or pragmatic agendas. She has to be unconditionally compelled by love and desire for you. If she is not properly motivated, her resolve will quickly wear down along the long rough road of reconciliation.

So stand back and observe. Don’t interfere too much. Just communicate your needs. Your boundaries. Your expectations. Your concerns. Your grief. It’s ok to guide her a bit-but not too much. No begging. No pick me dancing. Pull back and see if she follows. Protect your dignity. Enforce boundaries. Hold your moral high ground. Maintain composure. You’re the injured party. Don’t let her try and assume a victim role. Don’t tolerate blame shifting, waffling or fence sitting, defensiveness or impatience.

You’re the prize, the prize she’s after.

You must be prepared to ditch the marriage to save marriage and, she has to realize that.

Consult an attorney. Learn and prepare your contingencies and options. Let her see this. Let her see that you’re resolved to protect your personal best outcome and that outcome doesn’t necessarily include her.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:42 AM, Thursday, October 6th]

You must be prepared to ditch the marriage to save marriage and, she has to realize that.

This is true. When the cheater is allowed to call the shots, the only thing they are looking for is a way to continue to cheat.

When the BS takes back their power and starts to put up boundaries or puts their own interests first, the cheater loses control of the BS.

Once the BS stops trying to "save the marriage" and starts "saving" themselves, the balance of power shifts.

It may not stop the affair but it certainly does not allow the cheater to continue to be selfish without consequences.