First, thank you all for the outpouring of support. As you can imagine a lot of this is hard to hear but I thank everyone of you for your heartfelt feedback. It is very comforting to have a group of people who understand what I'm going through.
TheFirstWife wrote (and others as well said similar things):
The embrace and kiss with another guy proved your wife has boundary issues.
Without a doubt she has. We discussed this with our counselor last night and the counselor told her as much. Unfortunately she became defensive, which is not a great sign.
Trdd suggested:
Buy the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and read it. Have your WW read it. She needs a dose of reality.
This is arriving today and she has agreed to read it. We will each read a chapter at a time and then discuss it. Thank you for the suggestion.
Iamjack wrote:
How long can you let her humiliate you ? She knows it's hard for you, she knows it's inappropriate, she just doesn't respect or care about you. You don't need couples counseling, SHE needs to work on herself first!
Yeah, I agree. I told her she needs to understand and fix her boundary issues if we are to R. After last night's counseling this was even more evident. She got quite defensive and tried to blame shift. I told her it was humiliating what happened it seemed to startle her a lot. Not sure where this will go but any possibility of an R entirely depends her accepting behavioral boundaries.
Bigger wrote:
At what point would a woman of her age start sexting? It’s not in our generation per se. It’s not as if we do it after 2-3 convos about the weather. It happens when there is a certain feeling of security and intimacy.
This is a really interesting point. I need to explore this more...
Sisoon wrote:
To become a good candidate for R, she needs to take responsibility for her actions, and she needs to commit to changing herself from betrayer to good partner. ICs help a person treat themself. Your M didn't fail. Your W did. She most probably will need the help of a good IC - not an MC - to make that change. MCs treat the M.
Thanks -- this is what I am hoping for, but am willing to walk away if the needed change does not take place.
Bigger wrote:
I always fear that when we get posters like you we lose them because of the seeming harshness of what we share.
No, the comments were harsh sometimes but heartfelt and accurate. I typically take my time to digest, so my response has been slow. I still have hope a R may be possible but recognize that she has a long way to go to rebuild the needed trust. If she won't take those steps then we go our separate ways.
A lot of what has been suggested has helped shape my thinking of how to approach moving forward, so once again - thank you all for sharing your thoughts, feelings and compassion with me.
