SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you, yes, I get mixed feelings about this site. There is amazing info and then some discouraging stuff that makes me loose hope. Thank you for the advice, that is my plan. To keep building him up and working on myself. I get so stuck because I feel like there are things he needs help with and needs to work on such as his anger and I feel like I’m doing all the work. But I’m guessing that is just selfish of me and shows that I need more growth. I have no idea. I know I always need more growth, but there is no work on his part. I just don’t know any more. He’s giving me grace most of the time so that should be enough. I will keep checking on here and reading the helpful stuff. Thank you.

...He had an affair with 2 people when he was deployed and continued for a year after until he asked me about me and my AP and I came clean... everything is my fault and his affairs were justified because ...

Am I the only one who has a hard time understanding the above statement? I think all BS & remorseful WS would agree with me that there is NEVER an acceptable justification to have an affair. Unfortunately we (WS) are here because we didn't realize that before Dday.
What I don't get is how can someone who has experienced the excruciating pain of being betrayed could possibly think that his own affair is "justified"?

...I know I always need more growth, but there is no work on his part...

Also am I the only one who believes that reconciliation is possible only if both BS & WS put in the work for it?

I don't know, maybe because my situation is different from everyone else, that my BS refused I/C and only wants to use me as a doormat to step on in order to release the rage. So regardless of how remorseful I am and regardless of how much work I put in, we're still stuck on Dday after 2.5 years. Even my Therapist has been advising me that it's time to let go because there's no hope for reconciliation in our case. I'm still sticking around because I'm still hoping that 1 day my BS will agree to start couple therapy for R, but I don't think we can live in a limbo stage forever. So the bottom line is, I don't think things can work out with just 1 person doing all the work, am I wrong?

I agree, I think both need to put in the work but when do we decide when enough is enough. I’m proud of you for sticking it out for 2.5 years with that treatment. I’m holding out too, but I’m only at 1.5 and he even got upset with me tonight because I asked him if he was meeting up with one of the woman. He says he doesn’t appreciate the interrogation. I told him I am hoping for an open and honest relationship and he will not respond to me. I know I deserve it, but it’s still hard. I know he doesn’t owe me anything, but just curious how long I put in before it’s destructive and more damaging than helpful. I’m very lost right now.