SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would not go away for a couple of months until you've talked to an attorney. That could be viewed as abandonment, and it would hurt you if you to divorce. DO NOT DO THAT UNTIL YOU"VE TALKED TO A LOCAL ATTORNEY.

Hi LS,

You have had a lot of advice and suggestions thrown your way and I am guilty of sending a lot of them to you. Your head is probably spinning.

One thing said over and over here at SI... "Take What You Need and Can Use and Leave the Rest". However, one suggestion though that has been made and I am one of those that have made it to you. This suggestion should not be overlooked. I seriously believe that you should heed the suggestion to talk to an attorney before you do any sort of separation. That can't be emphasized enough. Follow the advice of your attorney.

Take care.

Do what Golden R suggests:

Buy a VAR. Velcro it under her driver's seat. You'll see it wasn't just an EA really quickly.

Unfortunately you only see the tip of the iceberg right now. Keep digging. Check phone records, bank and credit card histories.

The "I don’t remember." line is complete bull shit.

Contact the betrayed wife of her lover immediately. Do not warn her that you are doing that.

Keep a journal of what is happening and what she says. Also write about what you are feeling and experiencing. Post here frequently. The good people on this site have seen it all. They can help you every step of the way.

Identify a very close friend or family member that you can talk to. You will need some in real life support as well.

You are only 5 weeks out. You have a long row to hoe ahead of you. I wish you strength.

My discovery was at the holiday too. It makes a hard thing even harder. Like you I watched the changes happening and then found out by looking for the first time into my ws private world. He was someone else away from me. Like your wife he said he was dissatisfied, and had been that way for a while. He was texting and talking to ap and meeting up to exercise in parks a d wilderness. That hurt because I was encouraging him 5o be more active for his health. He took her to conventions and parties and away to hotels in other states for jobs.

Meanwhile here we are training hard for our families. We know things aren't right but are being lied to. The ws has gained a new life and has exciting secrets and adventures. The old life seems dull. There's lots of energy in the new life. Energy and love that should have been given to us. It's painful. It is.

Reading the texts must have been awful for you. I chose not to read them. But i saw the frequency of the calls. I saw where I called and was ingored or a short call for 3 min then almost an hour for the ap. Ap was doing the same to her very kind bs. There was nasty bondage photos. I cannot see my ws the same way ever again.

I left the house but it did not stop the pain. I did not have kids however. I think your kids would miss you greatly. You do need a lawyers advice.

I tried and tried to get through to my ws. All he did was keep lying and sneak calls to ap and secretly meet again a few times. Cheaters will get hooked on brain chemicals. They are excited by thoughts and contact. Life is super stimulating. Regular life is dull. This is nothing to do with you.

For her, healing would be about gratitude. Gratitude and Humility for all that you are and have given to your family and to her. Your good heart and generosity. Your loyalty and desire to keep your family safe. That meant safe from outside people that would break your family apart.

She's in a fantasy now and still sees this adventure as positive. She doesn't see it as a weapon of destruction she unleashed because of her selfishness and vanity. Caught up in her desire to be admired, she throws away the most precious part of her life. Like a young kid who trades a bag of gold for a lollipop. Only with time and self reflection can she see the foolish mistake.

What about you?

You are hurting so much and she still says I don't know. Still she guards her adventure/secret life and hides the truth from you. She needs to be open and tell you all the truth if there's any chance to make this right. She lays down all her selfish ways and thoughts. She leaves that job and gym behind. She finds out why she would destroy her greatest chance for peace and happiness for compliments and thrills. She shows you she would help you no matter how hard or how many years it will take to heal your wounds.

I know how it feels when all your future is uncertain and you feel unloved and alone. Everything you counted on is gone and you stand in a storm naked.

You are never alone. We are here for you to help you heal and prosper. Your children are there for you and will be your greatest comfort and strength. Do not be afraid or make any decision based on fear. Life seems uncertain for a time but with knowledge and by listening to your own heart and following the path that you feel is right by looking into your soul you will come though.

You must show yourself extra care and kindness now. Be kind to your body. Eat well. Exercise to clear away stress. Give yourself mental breaks away from stressful places.

Never believe you were less. You never were. You were more. You are going to a better place. You will grow into a better person. You will show your kids the way through the most dark and difficult parts of life because you lived through this and came away stronger and wiser. You learned more about who you are and what matters to you. Have confidence in yourself. Never think ever that you lacked and that's what caused your wife to make foolish choices.

I want to thank everyone for all the kind words. I have been reading this a lot.

I saw a friend who told me this, that I need to stop being a detective and focus on being a surgeon. Detectives keep investigating and Surgeons heal a patient no matter what they have done.

Trying to be the surgeon is literally the HARDEST thing I have tried to do in my entire life.

To this day, she swears there was nothing physical, but honestly I do not believe anything she says. She says all the right things , but its very hard for me to believe her when he wrote her a bday card (mid October) stating he loved her and so happy they found each other... and looking forward to an exciting and bright future. And yes, he said Love J... (his name). In fact the title of the card was ''Happy Birthday with love to my wish come true'. I mean how does a married man of two jeopardize everything for a married woman w 3 kids of her own.

She tells me to this day, she never fell for him, and that she only confided in another man. This boiles my blood. It is not the truth. No man sends cards like that and no married woman text like she did to her friend.... all to only say she confided in him and that is where she blew it. We finally found a new therapist, so I am hoping we can discuss this w a 3rd party present. I have made notes in my phone for weeks about that meeting.

This was by far the worst Christmas I have ever encountered. But I held strong through it.

Deep down, I feel she is still in contact with him. Deep down im not stupid.

I was going to leave for a couple months, but then I did talk to an attorney and he said not to leave. Not good. As many have stated in here as to why.

I think also what this is coming down to, is that I am looking more to God and his comfort while watching her grow away from the Lord. She has showed no wanting to allow him to work in here. Nothing.

I think in time, this relationship may fade. In fact I am starting to grow apart from her. Sure, we have had some intimate moments, but it's fake to me, shallow. It's almost like sleeping w a gal in college that does not mean much and we are jsut casually dating knowing we are seeing other people. I don't know.

Honestly, I have never been so confused and up and down in my entire life. This will take time. Lots of it. I loved this woman. So much, and the hardest part is trying to guard my heart while still trying to work on fixing things.

Again, thank you all for your advice.

[This message edited by lifestinks at 10:16 PM, Tuesday, December 27th]

Your friend gave you terrible advice. How are you supposed to start to heal,when you don't even have the truth,or know if the affair is even over??

She needs consequences. Things she should be doing, at minimum..

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts, and her phone. Passwords included.

Answering all of your questions with complete honesty, and no defensiveness.

IC to figure out why she did this. It had nothing to do with you,or the marriage, BTW.

STD testing.

Polygraph.

NC with OM.

Dropping all friends who knew of the affair.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

Have you told his wife? Call her and tell her the truth, as you know it. Nearly every time the WH will drop his AP,in effort to mend things with his wife. Your wife will get a cold dose of reality. Do not tell your wife before you call his. Don't tell her at all. She's supposed to be NC with him,so when she confronts you (for doing the right thing), you will know the affair continued.

Also..get tested for stds yourself. Of course this was physical. Adults who think they have feelings for each other have sex. And married men don't get involved in affairs to send emails and pics. They're in it for the sex.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:26 PM, Tuesday, December 27th]

I think in time, this relationship may fade. In fact I am starting to grow apart from her. Sure, we have had some intimater moments, but it's fake to me.

I'm assuming that you mean your relationship with your WW. I remember the process of detaching from my WW. There was a time I would havectaken a bullet for her, but as I struggled to come tonterms with her infidelity, I detached from her. Just as it took time to fall in love it took time to fall out of it. She noticed what was happening and mentioned it to her IC, who said that I was detaching as a method of survival. Like an idiot, she bawled as she said, "She would not be the love of my life anymore!" No shit sweetheart. Go figure, suck a bunch of parking lot dick and your H no longer loves you. Wonder what possible connection there could be...

Give yourself grace and patience. It's a slow process none of us were prepared for.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 1:47 AM, Wednesday, December 28th]

need to stop being a detective and focus on being a surgeon. Detectives keep investigating and Surgeons heal a patient no matter what they have done.

Yup

Surgeons also investigate the root cause of the ailment and work out the most optimal way to treat it that will ensure recovery and life expectancy

A man who consorted to be with your wife and you haven't talked to him nor his wife and you still think your wife is on contact with him..

So what are you 'healing'?

@ Tren....

I have someone looking for his wife. Apparently the guy quit the gym. My wife refuses to give me his last name or anything else, although I have not pressed her. The reason I have not pressed her, is when I did tell her sometime ago Im going to hand her the letter her husband wrote my wife... my wife flipped out. She said why would you want to destroy their kids lives. I then said, so I guess its ok they he assisted in hurting ours. Anyways, im not buying her rubbish. Her replies made me very upset. So, I just figured at that point that I need to get a PI. Also, many in here are saying I need to get a STD test, although I can see the point... I rather break out in whatever then tell her about it. I know, crazy... but it is what it is.

So, I have some people looking into finding him and her. Mainly, I am trying to find his wife. This guy has no social media either, and neither do I. But friends of mine do and have been searching for this info that go to that same gym.

All I know is that guy works in sports marketing and his wife works in administration in some elementary school. That's all I have had to go on...

But, I will find his wife and hand her the letter he wrote my wife. I cannot tell you how many times in my head I have gone over what I would say to her. She deserves to know. If I see this guy, I could end up in prison.

But the issue is, when I keep thinking like this... I am back to the detective stage and not being the surgeon. I am hoping the 3rd party brings to light the root problem of how we got here... and why this all happened.

I can't tell you how much this all sucks. My company has suffered, my health has suffered, my sleep has suffered... But the one thing I think is doing ok, is really the only thing that matters to me... and that is my 3 babies. They seem happy.

[This message edited by lifestinks at 12:17 AM, Wednesday, December 28th]

The third party to find the root problem is unnecessary. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused your WW to pursue another man. You can’t control her. You can’t force her to violate her own moral code. She chose to cheat because she wanted to do it. If she had resentment and problems in your M, she had many legitimate avenues to address them. Cheating is never justified. Period.

She needs to address her character flaws that allowed her to violate her wedding vows. Your M may have been like a house with a leaky roof and a faulty furnace. Instead of trying to work with you to repair the house, she poured gasoline on the house and burned it down. Before you decide to try to rebuild that house

together, she has to convince you, that she is not a repeat arsonist. Good luck.

Good luck.

You should be the detective. You deserve to know the truth about your life. I'm sure your friend meant well,but that's terrible advice.

Please know that YOU aren't the one hurting his wife,or his children. He did that. Your wife did that. You would be gifting his wife with the truth.

Your wife is very protective of him. You can't not reconcile with her like this. She's still hiding,still lying.

He’s in sports marketing but he has no social media presence? You sure this isn’t something your wayward wife made up to throw you off?

[This message edited by asc1226 at 1:05 AM, Wednesday, December 28th]

Good job getting a PI. But still, her protecting the AP is unacceptable to me. Have her tell you his last name and that will save you some $ because the PI's job will be easier. Her protecting him makes me think the likelihood of continuing contact is high. Not 100% by any means but high.

Brother I'm sorry you're here, but you need to take decisive action, your WW is protecting her boyfriend and you are allowing her to do it ! Just sit her down and tell her she's got 10 seconds to give you his full name and all the information she has and that if she refuses you will file for D and expose her with all family and close friends (do it anyway), at this point she's not R material by a very long shot and you have absolutely NOTHING to work with while she's protecting OM. There's a saying here on SI that "you have to be willing to lose your M in order to save it".

I as others strongly recommend that you get tested for STDs, early detection is typically essential for treatment, so get it done, full panel.

Telling this guy’s wife is the right thing to do. I hope you are able to locate her.

Then it’s back to YOU! Your healing, your future etc.

You may have to accept your wife is not going to give you answers or help you heal from the trauma she has inflicted on you. If that is the case, it will become your responsibility to heal yourself. On your own. Without her support or commitment to you or the marriage.

The other man (OM) did not write those things to your wife b/c they are platonic friends. You are correct in that assumption. But understand your wife has made the choice to continue to lie to you and to continue to disrespect you by NOT being honest.

I always say it’s not the affair that kills the marriage but the behavior of the cheater after Dday that kills the marriage.

Please just remember to put yourself first - and that your healing is a process that is your responsibility. If the cheating spouse cannot or will not participate— then you need to know you are on your own and you will work hard to get yourself to a better place.

Sorry you are here.

Find and setup a polygraph test. Tell her you are setting one up but dont tell her when it will be.

Work with the polygrapher on the questions.

When the appointment comes let her know it’s time to go.

Chances are she’ll admit to more before going in to the building.

Five weeks is a short time, but I can tell you with definitive resolve that if my WW refused to tell me who the AP was, I would have sent her on her way immediately. That is beyond disrespectful and communicates to you and the M are not a priority to her. You might way tobyake a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you normally accept this type of treatment from her. If so, then she is doing only what you have allowed since it is a learned behaviour. Maybe ask a trusted buddy to help you dig into your character. I have a best friend who will be very honest with me if I ask and it has been quite helpful in dealing with my own issues.

Granted, im not one for great advice, and this is only my opinion. I think you need to look at your WW not as the partner you remember, but as someone who has adopted an adversarial role in your life. My advice to you is to consider your M dead and file for D. This will reestablish your position of strength in the relationship, not to save it but to put you in your own driver's seat. If she panics and undergoes a cranial/rectal extraction, you can pause or stop the process of D. If not, you have your answer and you will be ahead of the game in terms of getting out of infidelity and beginning your healing.

If you aren't keen on D, then do some free attorney consults and accidentally leave a card or two where she can find them. This may cause her an "Oh shit, this is real!!" moment. Either way, this us not a relationship of equally invested partners. You can't continue in this way forever and be healthy.

I think it is too early for a poly, as you just don't know enough, but you also do t have a remorseful WW either.

My wife refuses to give me his last name or anything else

This is 100% proof your WW is not even in the same universe as remorse (also known as "repentance" in Christian circles). You cannot reconcile with an unremorseful spouse. I also agree with getting into IC to dive into why you are willing to be abused this way.

Gr8ful is 100% right.

Life stinks,

Welcome to SI, I’m sorry you find yourself here.

When you said your friend encouraged you to be a surgeon, I thought (s)he was going to suggest you cut out the necrotic parts of your marriage. That is something I could get behind because in her current form, your wife’s behaviour is absolutely deadly to a healthy marriage.
While I agree that you don’t want to remain in detective mode forever, I will echo what others have said here and say that you cannot begin to even consider reconciling with your wife until you have at least the basics of the A. At the current moment, she has secrets with him that you are not a part of. Think about that, she vowed to love you and put you above all others and there she is keeping deadly, marriage-ending secrets with another man. There can be no healing or forgiveness while she is still loyal to him (particularly when she does so at your expense). By refusing to provide you with his name and contact information, she is protecting him over you. This should be a bare minimum for her being allowed to remain in the home at the moment.

Please take no responsibility for the fallout of her and her AP’s actions. If she was so worried about the well-being of his wife and kids, she probably should have stayed out of his marriage, you know….