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She said she was sorry, and attempted to help you feel better with affection. What else do you require?
If you were her, what would you say? What are the words that would have helped you? What do you need her to say? My call is that there is nothing to say other than the apology she gave you, thus the loss of words.

You triggered, she tried to help you, it didn't work. That's common in reconciliation. What are you going to do? For me, it helps to leave the story-lines behind and live in the here and now... which is not easy.

I agree with this.

I also agree with Edie that you two ignored the elephant in the room. Actually, I think that you helped create it. You sat waiting for a response. You let it simmer, and let some resentment build up.

Your wife has work to do, but you do also. You CHOSE TO ATTEMPT RECONCILIATION WITH YOUR WIFE, and that means that you have to come to the table also. It's been 4 years into R. You had an encounter, and a trigger, and you let your wife know. She apologized, tried to show affection(which I understand you may not have wanted), and your children were with you. So not the best time for a verbal discussion.

Should she have come to you? Probably. But if you aren't your own advocate, and won't speak up, then resentments are going to build again. And when you did bring it up, it wasn't to discuss the event, but rather to express your dissatisfaction. That already puts her behind the eight ball. Defensiveness would almost be an automatic response.

I see this as a communication issue, but two-sided. She was initially empathetic at the moment it happened, but couldn't do much to help. I don't want to make excuses for her, but from your initial post, it sounds like it all falls on her lap to remedy. I don't agree with this. R takes two, and neither is in a 'one-up' or 'one-down' position. That's what we agree to when we attempt to reconcile.....especially years down the road.

I am glad that someone posted on the avoidance traits of cheaters as I have been trying to understand my WH ‘s behaviour and reading this is like someone shining a light in the dark and i now see this is a self defence trait as oppose to simply not caring. It is incredibly hard to be hurt by someone and have them not take responsibility and avoid difficult conversations. I have been trying to change his behaviour by stating facts which seems to confuse him as he has a hard time avoiding and dodging facts. His ability to lie to himself is astounding and frankly scary. I now understand he simply is avoiding looking at the truth. Any suggestions on getting him to truly face himself would be most welcome?

Not exactly the same, but similar in a trigger happening with the WS not knowing what to do. We never were even close to running in the same circle as the AP, but for me the trigger was equally as distressing.

This happened quite a bit when we would go out with friends. They saw the aftermath of the affair where I was just not the same husband I was before. Cold, not affectionate etc. she on the other hand was the perfect wife. Trying to hold hands, doting on me, laughing at things I said, and telling everyone how wonderful I was. Invariably the discussion would turn to how lucky I was to have her, which in their code was a subtle dig at me to treat her better. Little did they know the truth. The first few times I basically ended the meal no matter where we were in it. The car rides home the first few times were brutal with me describing in detail what she had done with her AP and me asking if they knew that, how lucky was I now. She too tried to become physical with hugs but me telling her to leave me the f alone. She did try to comfort but that got shut down pretty quick by me.

As time went on, when it happened (and it felt like all the time) I didn’t rant, or end the dinner, but the ride home was silent by both of us and actually lasted a few days until I cooled off. She looked like a zombie that just didn’t know what to do.

The point of this, it was a learned response on her side. Try to talk or comfort or touch and get bombarded vitriol.

Though you hadn’t run into the AP, you mentioned that other triggers happened. Was your response such that she also learned it might be better to just let things settle? Do you think she feels that by minimizing the interaction she is showing you that he doesn’t matter anymore?

This is not to excuse her actions, but rather try to figure out where the response is coming from.

I do hope you update when you finally hash this out. So many also have had this same experience and you might give some guidance to them