SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Brokendollparts,

The first thing that I want to say is that looking at your signature, you had a D Day right before Holiday Season. It seems you were lied to and gaslit all through the holiday season only to have a 2nd D Day just after the holidays. And here we are with Holiday season (and likely your WH's and his AP's affair season) coming right up, just as (depending on where you live) the days are approaching their shortest and the weather is getting colder. If your WH had come clean with a full disclosure in November 2017, I'd wager that you would be dealing with this with a little more confidence (but of course I could be wrong.)

I would pay attention to what HellFire and others are saying here.

You can't begin to move forward, until you stop the all day phone calls. This isn't security. It's your "fix." It's incredibly unhealthy, but it "makes you feel better." Maybe. But it's also keeping you in that insecure,scared, on edge place that you've been in since dday.
It sounds as if you know this. You're just not ready to give it up. If you're wait ing until you know 100% he won't cheat...that will never happen. It's something every BS who tries to reconcile must accept. You can not control him. You need to heal yourself, so that, IF he ever does it again, you are strong, capable, and you know you will be ok.

I would also pay attention to what ThisIsSoLonely is writing here.

Are you in IC? If not I think it's something you need to address. This isn't healthy for either of you, and honestly, I don't know your WP but I trust them 100% - if he is willing to do this for you then it's clear he wants things to work. In all honestly I would not blame my WH for telling me no if I wanted to listen to him all day long. Honestly, I'm with Hellfire on this one - it's incredibly unhealthy AND what kind of life can you possibly have if you are listening to your WP or being in his presence 24/7?

BrokenDollParts, I am also concerned about you possibly beginning having physical health issues with all of these stress hormones flowing through your bloodstream. I hope that you can find a way to trust your husband (who seems to be 100% all in on your R) without the extreme vigilance.

The trauma of two DDays is what keep me this way honestly. I haven’t healed from the 3 months he absolutely gaslit me, lied to me face, manipulated me etc. We have absolutely talked for thousands of hours. I would say I feel 95% "safe" and I may never be 100%. He says he knows that and doesn’t expect that. He says he will never give up and he is the one encouraging me to keep the "leash" on. It’s weird?

For context, I also had two ddays, 4 months apart, maintained contact. 4 months of gaslighting, lying, even siding with the AP to deceive me. I didn’t think we would remain married after all that. I was diagnosed by my IC with severe ptsd.

My WH also said he’d never give up, encouraged FaceTime calls, checks, never missed a call from me (still to this day) and told me he can live like this for the rest of his life.

You know who wasn’t willing to live like that for the rest of their life? Me.

I don’t know about you but monitoring a guy to preventing from being a shitty human being isn’t why I think I was born or what my main goal in life should be. My life is to be lived, to be happy, to be able to have a coffee with a friend without fear, to attend work meetings focused on what I’m meant to achieve, to go for a walk and be alone with my thoughts, to travel, to live in peace.

Monitoring a person’s every move reduces your self esteem too, after a while I felt my worth was absolutely zero if in order to have a guy staying with me meant monitoring him. Again I don’t know about you, but when I will look back on my life from my death bed I want to be proud of who I am, me, an individual.

Instead of focusing on living your life the best way possible, you’re turning it into putting your WH at the centre of it and being a spectator to his life.

I’m not judging you, it just pains me to see another case where the WS remains the main focus and the BS adjusts their life to cater for it.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if he’d cheat again? And trust me, he can find a way. How will you react? How healed and recovered are you to ensure that you can get him out of your life?

I’m not saying you should become some blind trusting spouse. I know I’m not. But I’d be damned if I wasted another minute of my precious life on the shit my WH created 6 years ago. He knows the rules, he knows he’s out of my life the second I sniff another affair. I know my value and I know that I’ve done so much work to heal myself that should it happen, I will be ok.

Funny thing, since I’ve recovered and dropped the intense monitoring (didn’t drop the transparency request, that’s different) he does it himself more. He says stuff like "I saw on life360 when you got to work" or something and I smile. I don’t play games but I have a feeling that he is worried I’ll serve him the same dish and that’s on him as well.

I don’t know how to quote I’m sorry!

Wondayatatime
You are correct. My physical health has taken a severe nosedive since January 2018. I did lose 100 pounds (I needed it tho but wish it had been a different circumstance that spurned it). Numerous other health issues as well. Yes, it’s affair season and it’s HARD. Every year I think "I will be fine this year" and I am until I’m not.

Believe it or not the staying on the phone was HIS idea, so I was putting Screen Time on his phone. He was willing to do absolutely anything to try and mend the damage (he even joked about a body cam and if I had said do it he would have).

Luna

You are also correct. I don’t think we’ve handled this in a conventional way. Our relationship started out as friends who talked for hours, hung out with a group of mutual friends and dated other people (not people in the friend group btw) until we dated each other finally. He definitely had a crush on me pretty quickly as friends but never played the creepy "friend zone" stuff or criticized my choice of people I dated even tho they were trash. He just treated me with care and respect and one day I just looked at him different. I think I’m saying all this as maybe in my mind we are going back to the beginning somehow? Our marriage was in the garbage when he had the A for sure and now I technically have the marriage (we) had always wanted but goddam the price I feel only I had to pay!!!
And don’t think right now until Jan 22, 2024 is the time to get off the phone but it’s giving me a lot to think about. Also, I do talk to him about what everyone is saying here. Thank you so much for your care and your insight I truly appreciate it and everyone’s words have not fallen on non-hearing ears I promise.