SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel that his wife should know about what happened but if I go straight to her then I look like I am trying to get revenge for what happened.

Aside from the fact that it is the right thing to do and his BS like you deserves to know what is going on in their lives, there is nothing wrong with revenge in this instance. Of course he didn’t make vows to you, but he still doesn’t deserve to walk away Scott free.

My biggest regret was not blowing up her AP’s life. I actually think that if I had done that, much of the anger and need for retribution from my EXWW might have dissipated. I unfortunately felt deep down that someone needed to pay, and instead of getting 50% she got the full 100%

I feel that his wife should know about what happened but if I go straight to her then I look like I am trying to get revenge for what happened

It is generally held here and elsewhere that the other betrayed spouse should be told. I affirm this 100% You telling tbe OBS is not primarily about revenge. It has to do with adult responsibility and being a decent human being. She has as much a right to know as you and if the traitors have not stepped up (no shock there) I encourage you to do so. Tell her at the earliest opportunity.

As to discussing this with the other traitor, I encourage you not to do this. Too many variables. I would encourage you to push for a full written timeline of her betrayals and a polygraph to ascertain a baseline of truth.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 7:45 PM, Saturday, February 10th]

Something else I would like some feedback on is if I should have a conversation with the AP? I feel that his wife should know about what happened but if I go straight to her then I look like I am trying to get revenge for what happened.

Have the conversation with his wife first or the AP might lie and spin it so that she thinks you're a nutjob or a liar. I would love to have had someone tell me what was going on with my WW during her A's. Instead I got years of my gut churning while being lied to by WW and told I was merely being paranoid.

I'm a BS who wasn't told by obs when he found out, and I'm still pissed off at him.

We're human. I can't imagine telling OBS without have some sense of revenge. Not telling is a way of not getting vengeance, which may be OK, but the expense is letting OBS live on without having some vital information.

Tell OBS despite knowing revenge is on your mind. Then enjoy the revenge, knowing you helped OBS. The ap screwed up their M; you don't.

Unfortunately, I am deeply biased toward wanting to exact retribution on the AP; I know it isn't the best thing. But I look at telling the OBS as just steering the karma bus and holding them accountable for their own actions. And a big bonus: it isn't illegal like all the other things that cross my mind. And it isn't immoral either.

It's really a win win.

My XWW was also sexually abused, by her own mother for roughly three years from the time she was nine years old. When I found out about her cheating at least she never played the 'abuse card.'

That was 40 years ago. I know myself pretty well and I knew from DD that "reconciliation" would never work for me, but we had been married 11 years and had 3 small kids, so I decided to stay for them and financial reasons.

However, after about 10 weeks of being essentially roommates, I just couldn't stomach looking at her any longer and we did an 'amicable divorce' and split. She turned into a heavy drug user and I had custody of all three kids in less than a year.

Everyone is different, but I knew that if I stayed married to her, I just could not face myself in the mirror every morning without despising myself. You gotta do what's best for you...but don't believe anything she says. My ex told me more lies in a 90 day period than most people tell in a 80 year lifespan.

[This message edited by DuplinC at 4:51 AM, Sunday, February 11th]

Something else I would like some feedback on is if I should have a conversation with the AP?

It depends on what you want out of it. In particular, it depends on what you need from him.. because if you need something from him, it gives him leverage. Giving control to a liar is always risky.

If you just need to be heard so that you can explain to him that you and he both know what a piece of shit he is with nothing expected in return then go for it.

If you go in there, looking like you need information from him in order to gain some form of closure, I promise you he will use that leverage.

If you go in there and tell him that you are going to tell the AP, I promise you he will use that information in order to diminish his role.

Think of him as an adversary, and you will make smart decisions.

Sending strength!

is if I should have a conversation with the AP? I feel that his wife should know about what happened but if I go straight to her then I look like I am trying to get revenge

Why would you believe any word he says?

They betrayed you together, complicit in the parade of lies.

Let her know, meet if she wants, but be cautious because of what you know.