SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And maybe, Sisoon, that is a numbing instinct like we’ve talked about.

Nah. Some of us just think there's humor in everything, even around the gallows.

I think that's related to the future. As bleak as life may look right now, it's likely to get better. As great as life looks at other times, some rain - and worse - is gonna fall.

Our d-day was about a week before we were going to see our son, XDIL2b, and GRANDSON. I mean, GRANDSON. A healthy 1 year old grandchild is a joy even in the midst of emotional agony.

*****

ETA:

This is why it was always so difficult for me to ask my WW tough questions. I wanted to know things so badly but I also loved her so much I couldn’t bear to see her suffer the pain from having to answer my questions.

R requires honesty, by both WS and BS. Allowing the WS to continue their dishonesty by hiding from what they've done is a violation of that rule.

A BS does no favors to either their WS or themself by not asking questions the BS wants to ask, especially if the motive is to spare the WS. Discussing the A is like taking disgusting medicine that one needs to save one's life. If you want to create a new M, answers and questions are part of the ingredients, disgusting though they are.

Gently, if the BS doesn't ask the questions that matter to them, they need to make sure that circumstances - not fear, not conflict avoidance - are prohibiting asking.

I can't emphasize too much that giving in to fear - makes R impossible. Impossible. I don't like to see my W in pain, but she cheated. If she wanted to R, she needed to answer all my questions - 'needed' meant 'no R without answers'.

I recognize very few rules. I do a lot to make my writing honor everyone's free will and autonomy. It's JMO that honesty, asking the questions that matter to the BS, and not giving in to fear are absolute requirements for R - but I've been around SI for a long time, and I've been in R successfully for a little longer than that. My concept of requirements of R may be JMO, but ... have you seen couples build new Ms without honesty, answers, and courage?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:36 PM, Monday, May 27th]

This is why it was always so difficult for me to ask my WW tough questions. I wanted to know things so badly but I also loved her so much I couldn’t bear to see her suffer the pain from having to answer my questions. Ironic in a way that she caused all of this pain and I still cared more about her than me.

I felt this way in the beginning - I felt bad for him. Unfortunately he used my empathy against me. After a year of false R I didn't feel bad anymore about his feelings when it was so clear to me he hadn't give a rat's ass about mine.

Interesting aside, my d-day 1 was 10/1/17. D-day 2 was 10/1/18. D-day 3 was spring of 2019 (no, I can't recall the exact date - which is telling in and of itself about my mental state then). For YEARS I thought about the A just about every waking moment of my day, but that ended several years ago, and I rarely think about it now unless I am on this site or something triggers a memory (like a movie where an A is involved) and even then it's not a bad feeling - I have no spirals. But, just a few days ago WH tells me that he thinks about the A, the things he did to me and to us and to his now former friend the OBS, ALL THE TIME. Honestly I was immensely surprised that he said that (out of the blue no less). So 7 years later he is still grappling with it and I have moved beyond it. In other words, the tables have turned a bit. While I'm sure his feelings are not the same as mine were, I have to admit there is some part of me that feels like he should think about it still. And for it all to come full circle he has to get to his own forgiveness and never forget - just like me.