SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

1st wife

It took me 3 to 4 years to stop waking up every day thinking of the affair and wanting a D the moment I opened my eyes.

I feel like this will be me.... I think about his stupid A before my feet even hit the floor.

For the betrayed it is the hardest thing to do. Because you now analyze the past and see things very differently. The marriage you THOUGHT you had is sometimes not the marriage you had.

It sure freaking wasn't.... but in everyones minds we were the picture perfect family, how fake.

So Groot you ask some very valid questions and recognize the path in front of you. I was still struggling 3 years from dday2 b/c I didn’t recognize my own path in healing. I kept waiting for him to fix it not realizing I had to fix me.

I recognize the path now.... I just don't know if I want to walk it.
Yesterday was my H bday and we went to a nice restaurant and had great conversations unrelated to the A, the only gift I gave him was an ALMOST complete 8 hour day with no A talk.
When we got home I explained to him my fears in healing and that he needs to be very aware that as I heal , at the end of that path he may not be there. It took him a few moments and it is like something clicked and he said it made sense. The A brought so many issues we had before to the surface that is cringe worthy how much we both just ignored super big issues in the M.
I shared this with him because some days I intentionally self sabotage my own healing because if I stay angry, if I stay sad and the victim then it keeps him close to me... As I heal I find myself, my dreams, my hobbies , and where does that leave him?

When I worded it that way he could see I wasn't just picking at him and opening the same wounds for no reason , there didn't have to be a moment that made me spiral, I just did it because I wanted to feel something, anything that kept us bonded.
Now that I know WHY I am doing what I am doing then maybe I can talk myself out of it here and there, I have therapy in a few weeks and I will bring it up now that I understand my own logic.

Thanks for your response.

I recognize the path now.... I just don't know if I want to walk it.

You see I think no matter the outcome of your M you still have to walk it for you.

Healing is independent of the marriage. You can divorce tomorrow and none of us would question it. We would congratulate you for getting out of infidelity for YOU.

But even if you did that, the wounds are still there and you still have to do the work. Otherwise, this will manifest into problems for you down the road. Trauma is something once it’s there, it’s there until it’s processed.

If you do decide to keep going, I think you will find your fears in it will not stay the same, this is simply the step you are in. Most oldtimers around here say "you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it" and I think that is completely true. We all come to this place, even ws do. But what propels r is when you get to the other side of that and you still choose it. There is a freedom in "want to" rather than "have to". Most everyone who doesn’t d right away stay in the "have to" for a long time. And the reasons for it aren’t the reasons that will fix the marriage, it’s just these bits of fears that kind of act as road bumps.

What you are realizing is healthy and very on point. But unfortunately not healing isn’t an option. I know you were referencing R in this quote but I also think sometimes there is this tendency of thinking if you don’t r the pain will go. It’s big pain, Groot, and it’s normal to want to push it away. You are on the right path, you are going to do great.