SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do I cope with his misery?

You don't. He needs to. And if [and only if] he is weaponizing it - that should be quite telling.

Watching someone lay in the bed they have made is often quite hard.

Be gentle with yourself.

Remember, NO is a complete sentence.

leafields, I love this! Last night he asked if I could come upstairs (I have hard time with it due to health problems), and I said "no." I was in no shape for it, nor did I want to.

Watching someone lay in the bed they have made is often quite hard.

Chaos, yes, indeed it is. Someone whom I loved for 30 years of my life, and while I don't have the same feelings for him, I do pity him.

This morning, he broke down crying and said it's good that I'm moving out because he can't understand how he could have done all this to and he recognizes that he isn't safe. I was reading some old journal entries, and back in Sep 2023, he did a lot of crying and realizing things about himself. Then by Feb 2023, I was again frustrated by lack of progress and wanting to call it quits. I feel like the last few years have a Twilight Zone episode, and I'm finally breaking the time loop by moving out.

I took the first step this morning and called the management office for several apartment complexes in the area where I'll be moving to. The good news is that although I don't have a paycheck (I'm a writer), if I have sufficient bank balance to cover a year of rent x2.5 (I do), then they should be able to lease to me. So that is a relief!

Good for you! I assume you have met with an attorney to discuss all the aspects of your move out, in terms of distributing assets ot controlling expense of marital funds after you are out? Please check all that out before you tell him you have a rental.

Superesse, I haven't gone back to my attorney yet. I consulted one back in Feb 2023, after dday2, but I haven't talked to her since. I will add it to my list for part of the move out process, though right now, we are not filing for a legal separation. It's more of a trial separation. I'll be coming back "home" on the weekends with our teen. I'd like to try that for a couple months and see how things go, and since it'll take a couple months to move out, that gives me some time to think about next steps. In the meantime, I've always been the one handling our finances, so I'll continue to do that. I'm not too worried about financial malfeasance form WS. He is currently semi-retired (as am I), and he knows that overspending will mean he has to go back to full time work.

Depending on how I feel in a few months, I'll look into whether legal separation or even divorce makes more sense. My current thinking is that if I decide I want a divorce (or legal separation), it's better to pull the trigger in June, after the school year ends, so that teen has a couple months to process the trauma before she starts 11th grade. Otherwise, I feel like if I can tolerate the situation better once I have my own place, we can ride out the status quo until she graduates from high school.

Who knows what will happen. After the past 4 years, between the pandemic, my long covid, and all the ddays, I have no idea what life will "gift" me with next. LOL Maybe the teen will just come out and ask me one day if her dad and I are splitting up. She's not super communicative, but she is perceptive and intelligent. She's gotta have some clue by now that things aren't right, and part of me wonders if she handed me this opportunity because she suspects the truth. Regardless, her mental health is so much better than it was a year ago, and I'm grateful for that. I'm not going to upset that balance for her if I can help it.

Sounds pretty solid thinking on your part, but as I'm sure others will come along and say, you can't 100% predict how a WH is going to react to news he isn't ready to hear! So my recommendation is still to waste some money on a few more legal questions just to assure yourself that you aren't waiving any spousal rights by moving out.