SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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How are things going ?

Thinking about you

Marathonmumof4 - thanks for checking in.

Didn't realize you could actually block someone altogether, but this is done now. I actually, perhaps foolishly, contacted the abusive texting former friend of mine and told him that had to stop, she asked for NC and that he respect it... and maybe lashed out a bit. He responded typically, turning this into something about me rather than what he's done. I just left that conversation and won't look back. He blamed me for hurting his wife by discussing the things him and my wife had done - I realized I was wasting my time.

I am in hell right now - I think I welcomed the distraction of being able to butt heads with the OM and even defend my wife a bit, as it did distract me from the betrayal. Neither of my former friends has apologized, which doesn't mean anything anyways. You just hope the friendship was worth something to them at least, right? It was to me, before everything.

Wife's at her mother's right now and I'm just trying to put myself back together. I made it into work 4 days last week, but never a full day and did not accomplish much... got to find a way to keep strong!

I've been on the site as a BS for the past year and thankfully have not had to deal with a double betrayl...cannot even begin to imagine the pain. I am here now because I need some advice, and I welcome it from any and all.

I found out night before last from my 18 (19 next month) year old son that he and a female friend (of a few years) have decided that they want to be together. The issue is that the female, who is apx. 20/21, is the fiancé of my son's best friend (of around the same amount of years). On top of that, my son owns his own shop, and the best friend is an employee of his.

My son recently left the state to visit his grandparents. The female friend decided to fly there to visit with him. Her fiancé took her to the airport, thinking little of it, because he trusted my son and his fiancé. It was during this time that the relationship between my son and his female friend escalated. I found out as they were driving back to our state. I told them that the situation would not end well either way, gave them the stats on relationships beginning this way not surviving, and expressed my empathy for her fiancé/his best friend.

Today, the female friend decided to tell her fiancé about her feelings for my son. This, of course, did not go well. I knew when he found out because he posted on Facebook that he needed a job. I called him and told him he could work for my husband and I at our shop. These two were planning on getting married in 4 months, and they just bought a home together. He also had just bought a car from our son, his best friend.

My husband and I care about this young man. He has not had an easy life at all. In fact, he just lost his father within the recent past (his mother, if I'm correct, died years ago), but despite everything he's been through, he's such am outstanding kid.....a kid I would be proud to call my own.

I am so lost right now, as far as what to do or say to any of them. I'm hoping to get some advice. I've encouraged my sons best friend to visit this site, if not for anything else, just to read and see that he's not alone. My heart is breaking for him right now. I told him tonight that if he's not comfortable reading or posting here that he can call my husband or I day or night or even come stay with us if he doesn't want to stay in their home alone (she moved out last night).

I was reading the "predator" posts a few pages back and wanted to add another story. The infidelity in my marriage was not double betrayal but there has been a double betrayal within a close group of friends of mine.

7 guy friends that have known each other for years. The newest guy friend has been around for 10 years. The original 3 or 4 have known each other 25 years. Most are married but a couple are still single. So the group of 5 couples and a couple singles have hung out together for years and logged thousands of hours together. Everybody knows everybody and their extended families, coworkers, etc. You get the picture. Very tight group of people.

Turns out that one of the couples has an open relationship/swingers thing going. And one of the other husbands was participating in the swinger thing with this couple. The BS walked in on it when she was sneaking up to surprise the 3 of them that she had decided to come hang out with them that night after initially declining and sending her husband over there solo.

It's been a mess. It has impacted everybody in the group. Everybody knows, people taking sides, just a giant mess.

In those earlier predator posts a couple people said that they had talked of their sex life with their partner with the OW or OM. These people believed that when OW or OM heard about how great their sex life was it made their spouse a target.

The BS in our group of friends told me the same thing. The swinging couple had been married 15+ years and her WH had known them before they got married. Yet the swinging/affair didn't start til a couple years ago even though there had been a thousand opportunities in the years prior for it if they had wanted to. The BS remembers that a couple of years ago she had a late night drinking conversation with the W of the swinger couple. In this conversation she told how well endowed her husband was and went into detail about his sexual prowess in the bedroom. BS says that the A started soon after that conversation and believes that it was that conversation that resulted in the swinger couple opening the door for her WH to join in.

Lesson here is to be careful with who you're bragging to about your sexual partner.

Interestingly enough, before the A started I also told the CumDumpster how big he was and was 'bragging' about complimenting my X in bed. I don't remember if she was fishing for info, or if I initiated the conversation.

Funny enough, after kicking him to the Curb and her BH eventually kicking her to the curb...they down the road 'found each other' again (aka, bottom feeders end up together because hot news flash, most good people don't want them and it's just easier to go back to the same tainted well). But I happen to know he's got some serious Limpy Pickle stuff going on since we are no longer together. God only knows the reason, Old age or having to live with the fact that he is such a low life or not being able to push the boundaries enough for sexual high anymore.

No disrespect to those amazing men who have had to deal with this. If he were my H or I loved him, I would have loved him no matter what and there are lots of other ways to be 'manly' and to please a woman. But I do know most men are seriously bothered by this even if women don't care so much.

So it gives me a little inside chuckle to know this is definitely bothering him. And he is still pretty young...thats not the kind of thing that gets better with age.

Another group I never thought I would join but hey, at least people here are honest and faithful.

My H had an A with my sister. What a mess! I am actually numb at the moment. I go between numb and distraught and angry. I can't believe how much this has affected my entire family. My kids are hurting -girls 13 and 15. My mother and sister are upset. I want to tell the OBS, but my Mom begged me not to. She thinks it will break up my sisters family and hurt her sons. I am torn because he has a right to know, but in my mom's eyes it will be my fault if I tell and my sister loses her sons. My sister basically got away with no consequences. Yeah, she lost me and the respect of her other sister and mother, but she still has her family. My mom blames my H. I hate what they did to my family. Double betrayals are so much more complicated.

(((Shatteredbs)))

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here.

In a similar boat as you and I would absolutely tell the obs, if in your shoes. One of my biggest struggles was that people knew and didn't tell me, which just compounds the distrust in a situation where we already feel we can trust no one.

Many hugs as you walk through these dark times.

Please find a way to talk to the OBS without telling anyone first!!!!

In my case, I didn't tell him right away and the situation got worse. Then he didn't believe me later when I told him! Now he goes fishing and hunting w my xh bc he still doesn't believe me. This is another layer of trauma for this man when he does find out.

Please tell him!!!! Especially since everyone else knows.

What a double fool he is going to feel WHEN he finds out down the road.

Also, infidelity alone doesn't cause women to lose custody. Your mom is wrong.

Please tell this poor OBS or go on the investigate section on SI and someone will make the call for you.

I apologize, because I am short on time, and can not at this moment read all the pages on this thread. I hopefully can later tonight!

How does one deal with the anger? I'm almost 6 months out from DDay, attending weekly IC, and every time the OW crosses my mind, I can feel my heartrate increase, and I just want to smash her face in. She was my best friend. We would go to her house and let all our kids play in the pool. i would be outside with both my children and hers, and she and my husband were sharing secret passionate kisses when I left the room.

I expected the anger to last for awhile, but every time I think of her, it's as if it is brand new.

I've never felt such pure, white-hot HATE.

Brokenagain3

I totally understand how you are feeling! You are going to have these thoughts it is completely normal.

Where is she now? Do people know what a horrible person she really is?

She moved about 3 hours north of us.

Yes, all our mutual friends know. I outed them.

It's hard, because all our kids played together, and sometimes my kids will ask where she and her kids are.

Ugh! I totally understand the kids asking. A matter of fact my oldest asked about my x friend last week. I cringe and try to change the subject. Sometimes in carpool the carpool kids will tell me how strange it is that we don't hear from them!

I am so sorry you are here. Please feel free to PM if you need.

I still have to photo shop the whore and her children out of a ton of photos!

Isn't it so twisted that our friends felt untitled to our husbands! What the hell is wrong with them? What sad sick losers they truly are. My neighbors all know as well. I still get frustrated sometimes when a memory pops up especially if it is something about me be a wonderful supportive friend i was. But then again it is her loss! Not mine. She was extremely needy and annoying

((Hugs)) you will make it out of this pain I promise!

I suppose my situation is a but different as my husband and I were separated. During this time and while we had a no contact in place, my best friend of 10 years decided to add him to tinder to "get info for me". I expressed my feelings towards this but she didn't listen. She claimed he kept hitting on her but said she never even hung out with him and stopped talking to him. Last month we dealt with criminal court and were able to talk again. He told me he slept with this friend 3 times. They met at a coffee shop and went and banged on the ground as he had no vehicle and she lives with her ex baby daddy. My anger isn't towards my stbxh here as well he's a cheater and hurting me is something he enjoys. I am however very upset with my friend who not only.had been chasing him the entire time we were together, tried kissing him and on my birthday while I was in another part of the bar where she couldn't see me, walked up to my stbxh and started grabbing his junk through his pants. She knew how difficult this was for me and was using the no contact to her advantage. She told my stbxh lies about me and gave him info to help him in court mowing it would effect my kids. When confronted, she said " sorry I fucked up wish you the best take care" then proceeded to play the victim and said " I'm sorry I believed his lies and thought someone actually liked me" as well as told me he was saying I was talking badly of her and posted her on a slanderous website ( not true) the thing is,I told her he would do that and try to turn her against me and that he would just use her. He did and she expected sympathy.

What did everyone else do with these "friends" ? I outed mine to her sister, and told my friends what happened. I also contacted the bio dad of her youngest child who claimed he was not allowed to see his son if they were not in a relationship. She never gave him contact info for him to find her, I gave him that info.

She is an addict as well and has refused help. I also told her daughter's grandma what happened as she has been contacted before regarding the drug use and I told her how I had to drag my kid to her house to check on her when she overdosed on coke and acid in hopes she might get her some help. I watched her downward spiral, she sleeps with men with no protection and uses sex or pregnancy to try to trap men into relationships. It's been hard to watch.

I spent so much time trying to help her better her life and she was perfectly fine throwing away a 10 year friendship and destroy our kids relationships to sleep with an abusive man. I don't get it.

The next thing was she actually called the police on me, told them what she had done and asked them to tell me not to tell anyone what she did

Just felt I needed to vent.

I think the worst part of the double betrayal for me was the fact that the mow had been cheated on and knew the pain of infidelity.

And...she chose to inflict that pain on me.

Anger...a subject I can relate to.

background:

My WW had a 5 year long affair with my brother. She had a big falling out with a psycho bff of hers who slyly threw her under the bus to me in an e-mail that supposedly was to WW but that the friend knew I would likely see too (shared account). Defending herself in the e-mail the friend wrote "I never told (me, BS) about you (WW) and (my brother)." My WW continued denying the affair for four months but somehow eventually my patient approach got to her and she confessed. Tons of trickle truth, the revelation that she had been using pot & booze to extremes behind my back, etc. etc. We're still together. She's been in recovery since and we have made much progress with some things but know there is some ongoing TT.

Anyway, the anger.... Mine with my brother was so intense that were I not working 500 miles from home when I jfo and not willing to sacrifice my job, something very, very bad would've happened. I had done a great deal to help him and while the affair was going on he really poured on the bullshit about love, family, how much he appreciated me. For some time I was consumed with wanting to hurt him. I knew it was the wrong move but between the anger for him and struggling with my WW professing her love for me amid the TT it was literally eating me up inside.

I had to get to a point where I accepted that any shot I had at being happy again someday was dependent on me, not them. I couldn't change what happened. There would be much to work out with the WW obviously but regardless I had to take care of myself. # 1 on that list was how pissed off I was.

I had to take responsibility for my anger. Sure, what I felt was a normal (albeit extreme) response. Totally justified. I did not deserve this. Just the same, it was up to me to deal with it, or let it sit inside and ultimately destroy me. It completely sucks and it's worlds beyond unfair, but what else can we do?

Wasn't easy, but when I took ownership of my anger I began to make some progress. In time, great progress. It's still there and may always be, But it's manageable now. It doesn't rule my life like it did for that first year. Many have said it many different ways....my life is comprised 10% of what happens to me, 90% how I respond to it.

I know this isn't an overly active thread, but I'm hoping for a little bit of advice.

What did you do with all of the pictures? Albums full of our early days together, vacations, wedding pictures, pictures of our kids together. Aside from the wedding pictures in my house that I've taken down, I have bookshelves full of albums and photobooks and I have no idea what to do with them.

As much as I'd love to burn them all, they're still memories, memories my kids may want to look through one day. Pictures that one day I hope to not look back on with bitterness, anger and resentment.

WH and I are in R and all of these pictures are also memories of our life together, but a lot of them make me feel sick to think about looking at.

I am in the same boat. It makes me ill! I need to either learn how to photo shop or pay someone ( if that service actually is available) I am so sorry I totally understand. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent.

I as well can totally relate to that. As for mine, they are in the attic. I don't want to throw them away because some have our kids in them. If they want to go thru and look at them, they can but I sure as hell wont! Sorry to hear that you are in the same boat. Please take care.

I understand. I don't look at pictures. There are over 30 years worth that have the Adultery Co-conspirator in them. It is so painful, that both of them are SA that selfishly choose to blow up two families' lives for fucking (that's all it was in the beginning). Such a destructive waste.