SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Closure? What's closure? I also got the Hannibal in a Dress. You're still fresh into this shit, it'll dissipate in time. People like our exes don't learn lessons. They don't foster closure. Hell, they don't close ANYTHING, especially their legs to strangers. It's all on us to move past this crap.

And it never goes away fully. I've been on a hot streak. Work's stressful, but it doesn't bother me. I started working out again and counting calories, which is giving me a confidence boost. I don't really mind the selfish dipshits I've encountered over the past year or how most people just use you to get what they need and move on. For the past month plus, I legitimately haven't even considered dating and it feels really good. I'm in a nice content place right now.

And yet on the way home from work today, I get in front of a woman who looked a lot like my ex and for a split second I got hit with a really harsh "That fucking bitch" thought lol. This is what they do to us. For a hot second, my weeks of serenity melted away behind a flash of "wouldn't it be cool if somebody slugged my ex in her stupid angular face". I haven't even heard from this goofball in a year, yet for a moment the thought of her getting her beaver teeth knocked around warmed my heart.

C'est la vie.

No closure for me either. Only closure through my own slow realisation that he didn’t support me emotionally in many ways while he was here. This and thoughts of a better life in the future have helped me a lot. I don’t think it will ever be something that isn’t quite near the surface for me and is now wrapped up in who I am. I feel a lot calmer lately though and less bothered by what he’s doing or who he’s with. The lack of conversation and effort and the complete shock is probably the thing that wrecked my head the most. It was as if all the decisions and all the control in mine and my children’s lives were taken away from me and I wasn’t even worth considering enough to talk to.

Positive thoughts time...

I was running on the treadmill this morning and God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You came on. Two things popped into my head. One, harboring even the tiniest bit of resentment isn't a good look. Even if it's a two second thought that appears after weeks of glee that ultimately loops back to emotional status quo, in the grand scheme it's still lingering toxicity the residue of which should be washed away completely.

Two, it's easy to justify someone's heinous act to say to yourself something like, "Well if they didn't do that to me, then I wouldn't be where I'm at today." Thinking that the boot to the ass bore fruit and their behavior ended up being a net positive. Almost like you implicitly thank them for the wake up call. But you know what? You, the survivor, are the one to thank for your positive outcomes. You kicked ass and turned yourself around DESPITE them, not because of them.

The strength is in all of us. The hard part is finding it, seizing it, and maintaining it.

I cussed her out when I confronted her. "Pathetic fucking b**ch", "entitled cu*t who's nothing without her parents", "you can't survive a single day without someone holding your hand", "fucking coward", "outgrown me? My niece is more mature than you".

That was my closure. Meh. Should've served the divorce and let it be.

one sick thing i remembered the other day was this. the few days after DDay, when i was literally a broken man, zero sleep, zero food, crying, i was comforting HER!

she would occasionally break down in tears - tears of blowing her life up. I would put my arm around her say "we all make mistakes - you're not a bad person" and she shouted "I know I am not."

and do you know what is the sick part is that i remember so clear now that she did not offer one ounce of sympathy that week. She did say once she was sorry, but a few hours later was smirking again - waltzing around the house with hte "no one is hte boss of me!" attitude so loved of narcs. She did not once comfort me. She did not once try to explain anything other than "I tried to resist it, but I'm not getting any younger and life is too short" (Since she has of course come up with all sorts of weird and hurtful excuses, mainly blaming me) - that was as close as I got to an explanation. Not one morsel of closure or accountability or deep sympathy for me. 9 years married. Beautiful home in London. 2 darling, beautiful kids and she couldn't even put her arm around me. She treated the sofa she wanted dumped with more warmth, kindness and sympathy.

giving closure after an affair is so important. if you're too weak to keep your dick inside your trousers/legs closed, and want to destroy your marriage in the process, then at least sit that spouse down and don't leave until they are at least SURE that they are not to blame. That it's all on YOU. the affair is one thing, waltzing off without any closure (doing it with a smirk too), is NEXT LEVEL shitheadness.

these sick, sick fuck heads. i mean the word disordered - can you get a closer term to the truth? there's a disordering of emotion and empathy and will.

puffstuff,

It only goes to show what a caring person you are, a stark contrast to the coldbloodedness of your deceptive WW.

"I tried to resist it, but I'm not getting any younger and life is too short"

I got something very similar right before I found out about his affairs. He was blameshifting like crazy, just stupid stuff as I see it now. At the time, I was bending over backwards trying to “fix” all my so-called shortcomings. They were ridiculous things, but I took his complaints seriously and starting making changes that I thought would be for us and to show my love for him. I would have done anything for this man. But he was lying the whole time, blaming me for stupid stuff and at the same time completely rewriting our history. It’s just so stinking cruel what these people are capable of doing and how destructive it is.

She treated the sofa she wanted dumped with more warmth, kindness and sympathy.

Yep, totally! I know this feeling well. Discarded, like yesterday’s trash. And so coldly. In my STBXWH’s case it was also highly calculated. It still makes me shudder to think this is the person I thought I knew so well. His cold, dead eyes as he told me about his LTA and another one before that (and I highly suspect there are more than I will never know about, which kills me). The utter shock and terror I felt after that moment and how before I had been so supportive and sympathetic to him, had taken his complaints to heart (this still haunts me) but which seemed to have come out of nowhere. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking his behavior leading up to d-day was a midlife crisis! It was all such a terrible, terrible shock. No closure, none, just abandoned here with a massive gaping wound and surrounded by the rubble that was once a beautiful life, or so I thought.

Selfish people who destroy their so-called loved ones for the sake of "I'm not getting any younger" or "I long to be free!" or "ILYBNILWY" and other bullshit reasons - they just completely suck. Strange thing is how I still feel concern/care/love for him. It's just so highly disorienting and confusing. I do think it's a normal part of healing from trauma and grief, but healing the grief and trauma becomes so much more complicated when the person who you loved and trusted so deeply is the one holding the knife that just killed you and all that was dear to you. At times the challenge to overcome seems so great.

Yet, and this is my wish for all of us here, perhaps there are seeds from this which will begin to sprout a new and much better life, one that's more aligned with what we truly desire and value.

Found a few gems this morning, gonna leave a few here:

Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging. – Joseph Campbell

You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it. – Maya Angelou

Hang in there. Trust that those winds of adversity are blowing away what’s not needed while making you stronger. – Anonymous

I think what makes the infidelity flavor of adversity so shitty is it's one of the few that you truly overcome on your own. Once you've beaten back the Hydra, nobody's really around to clang beers with and go "Holy shit guys, remember that Hydra we just bested back there? Crazy shit!" You miss out on that glorious sense of "my tribe and I just beat back that Terrible Other" and so all of the work you put into post-shithead reconstruction feels kind of hollow. The struggle is yours alone, the victory is yours alone, and nobody around you really understands it. The turmoil you experienced and the growth you went through is invisible to them. Sure, sometimes your social circle helps in ways big and small, but very rarely are you and even just one other person fighting side by side, brothers/sisters in arms, to conquer someone who is an ex to only you.

What I'm rambling is, this is a lonely battle, which sucks. It would be better to go through all this shit and get to share the positive outcome with someone, but the irony is that the person you'd normally share this positive outcome with is the one who fucked you over in the first place.

Agree AG, and you really put it well with your colorful words.

I have managed to make a few friends here in a new city, two that can identify with the plight of the abandoned spouse. One was cheated on and her WH abandoned her for the AP, and the other was betrayed by her sex-addicted XH (no abandonment, she D him, but he's a basically a narc, so there's that to relate to). But it's just not the same, as you expressed.

BTW, STBXWH dumped me here in a new city where I did not know a single soul, new house but no job yet, and with family being a very long distance away - what a guy, eh?

Anyhow, I would have to say the friend who was also abandoned is definitely someone I can relate with, although she is much further along. Mostly though my special brand of pain and struggle is difficult for others to relate to, so I just keep it all buttoned up and to myself for the most part. The other outlets are IC and SI, but still not the same as having that true partner in crime so to speak.

I have clanged beers with just me here at times (not that fun really), well here with my dogs, lol. But yeah it completely sucks since I used to have a wonderful partner and we were such a great "team" or so I thought. I hate thinking how he's now celebrating stuff with AP, and I'm here alone trying to make sense of what happened. It just boggles the mind, doesn't it?

We now only have ourselves who would get the true meaning of that damn Hydra being defeated. Although I know it's not the same but virtually I will clang beers here with all of you any day.

[This message edited by burninghouse at 2:26 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

Id pay good money to clang beers with you lot right now.

Other than my poor frail old folks who i am fucking LIVING with lol, ive got no one who really understands.

Meditation is priceless. Just priceless. My 15 minutes each day on the bus is a fixture of my day. You have to kill me to stop me meditating. Buddhism. The act of radical acceptance. Taking my power back in every which way possible. All these things keeps me going. But yeah to be sat in a nice warm pub with you lot would be fantastic. Sadly what weve gone through is part of life, always has been always will be. I bet the cavemen were at it. That doesnt take the pain away but i remind myself that the expwrience is deeply human when i feel isolated. Samsara

Agree on meditation and Buddhist practices. Pema Chodron and Tara Brach are two that have been saving graces. On sleepless nights I will listen to their talks on mindfulness, acceptance, pain, fear. I also appreciate their humor and humanness. These practices have been the deepest of helps so far with the other being people who truly "get it" what the BS/BP goes through. And this abandonment piece adds yet another pain layer. It's all such a big bad Hydra if ever there was one. For sure a beer in a pub with you all would be awesome.

I want to come to the pub for a beer too 😊 This space to read advice and share low feelings has really helped me. I feel that frustration at being left on my own to deal with it. I have to drag my brain away from thinking about how easy it is for my ex to lounge around at the weekend with his new girlfriend, sleep together and generally have a stress free existence, while I am here pretty much every night looking after our children. He has none of the same pressure and is probably enjoying pretending he is 15 years younger. I have found meditation really helpful too. I completely agree that nobody who it hasn’t happened to can really understand. The abandonment is the worst type of rejection and I’m still struggling with this a lot. It’s good to know you are all here (although I’m sad that you are too) ♥️

Bookgirl,

I often have similar thoughts - that WH is living this wonderful life where everything is perfectly rosy and uncomplicated where he's floating on a cloud with his new love . Likely there are problems and it's not the fantasy dreamworld that I often imagine it to be. Not sure why our minds tend to go there?

I was talking with a woman who had recently lost her husband of 45 years. She asked me about mindfulness, and we talked about meditation and Tara Brach (whose videos were a must during many sleepless nights). It seems to be helping her deal with a different kind of loss too. It has been such a big help to me although I am not out of the woods. I just started reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk. The book covers paths to recovery (EMDR, yoga, neurofeedback, etc.) Looking forward to the chapters ahead.

EDIT: I want to hesitate before recommending the book as I have not read it yet.

Cheers to you and all.

[This message edited by burninghouse at 5:34 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

she seems to be doing the right thing too - pretty much no contact from her end, and civil and totally kid orientated.

i think she get's the script that i want to follow. she knows that it's over and at least she is being sane about it. the early days of NC were full of her hostility and button pushing.

long may it continue - i.e. for the next 18 years.

the last emotional block i have. the last post on the fence before i will finally shrug all this shit off for good i feel is...feeling sorry for the fucking woman. i feel awful pangs of worry, fear, dread about what is going to happen to her.

i feel like i have processed the loss of the marriage, i no longer want to save the marriage, my kids are thriving, i am starting to thrive, but damn this worry for her. i think a lot of it is tied into the fear that if she isn't okay she could move to the otherside of the country...taking the kids with her. i wouldn't trust this woman as far as i could throw her.

puffstuff - just want to pass along the advice to be very careful when dealing with her. Document everything, meet only in public, use a VAR, keep communication to email, get things finalised with your lawyer, etc. Unremorseful StbxWW's are notorious for trying to set up their BS as an unfit parent, abusive, and so forth. Just because she may be playing nice for the moment, doesn't mean she may not have an ulterior motive. Also, don't be surprised if she tries to use your kids as leverage for getting what she wants.

Just a word of caution to keep playing it smart and ensure that you and what's important to you are protected.

As for the emotional ties you still have with her, things will get clearer with time, distance, and a focus on your healing and wellbeing.

Thanks mate. Im fulky aware. I have a healthy fear of her. When you see in detail "who they truly are" then theres no back peddling. Every day she doesnt contact me and me the same to her, is a good day. For me, for her, for our children. Pick up amd drop offs go smoothly. This is the gold standard i want for the next decade or so lol. Has got it in her to hoover? Probably, but i am prepared. Has she got it in her to play nasty? Sure, but i think NC will ease us both through. Watch this space.

At the time, I was bending over backwards trying to “fix” all my so-called shortcomings. They were ridiculous things, but I took his complaints seriously and starting making changes that I thought would be for us and to show my love for him. I would have done anything for this man. But he was lying the whole time, blaming me for stupid stuff and at the same time completely rewriting our history.

Burning I had the same thing. She left the house at first because she said she didn't know what was wrong and she needed to figure herself out because she wasn't happy. Then it became that she was unhappy and started giving me all the reasons and they were all because of me. At first it was things like I sat in a recliner at night and not next to her on the couch. I didn't make her feel wanted enough. She told me she couldn't move back home unless we rehomed our one dog because it dug up the things that she planted in the back yard. I'm not the type of person to rehome a dog. I feel like once you take an animal into your house they are your responsibility just like a child would be. But I did it all because I wanted her back. Broke our daughters heart too but it didn't matter to her. It was something she needed so it was done. We didn't fight very often but most of the time it was about her drinking. So that was then a reason and it was that I was trying to change her and I expected her to become something she wasn't. SO I worked on fixing my reaction to the drinking because I realized that I would automatically have a reaction as soon as I walked in the backdoor and saw her drinking. I knew she wouldn't stop until she was drunk but I did a bunch of alanon reading and looked at my past history with my dad and I worked on my reaction to her drinking. I fixed everything...and then her reason now is that she can't forgive me for adopting our daughter. She blames me for it because it's my great niece. So she finally found the one thing that there's no way I can fix. She doesn't want to be a full time mom.

It's so incredibly sad that we are responsible for their happiness. You should make yourself happy and your partner is supposed to just help support that happiness. If you're unhappy with something then fix what it is. If you're unhappy with something your spouse is doing then TALK to them about it so that they can work on supporting your happiness. You don't just give up and walk away from someone you are supposed to love.

Thanks Burninghouse. I picked that book up at work today and had a good look. I’m reading it now too and so far it’s interesting and well written. I’ve never read so many articles and books relating to one subject. It’s as if reading other people’s experiences sort of helps my brain deal with and process what has happened. I’ve hit the six month point now and I think I’m starting to feel stronger and more determined that I can have a better life without him.

Yesterday i thought about my nutcase for about 10 minutes. Profound, coming from the place i was at mentally just a few months ago. It really was a perfect day. I didnt think id have days of peace and happiness and growth ever again. I am sure i will be a mental wreck again soon, but the general curve is encouraging, even if the curve is a squiggly line.

No contact really is the only pathway out of this bullshit for me