SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so sorry to read all this but I know you'll be fine, Bleep. As will your children.

A couple of thoughts rumbling in my brain so I'll toss them out with the caveat that they're simply ideas and quite subject to the idea editor.

I believe you can go to SS now and sit down and have them compute what benefits you and/or the kids would receive.

I wonder if your attorney could contact his attorney and say something like "Mrs. Bleep heard that Mr. Bleep has cancer <or, in the interest of not disclosing his medical info to anyone, substitute "major life news">. Her children are beginning to show signs of worry about it all but he doesn't want to tell Mrs. Bleep about it. Is there anything he'd allow you to share so that she can talk to the children and try to relieve their fears?" Maybe coming at it that way, he'd be willing to allow you to have the info you need for the kids' sakes. And maybe not but.........

And the last thought I had might be off the wall but was he a great guy once upon a time and changed drastically? Is it possible that 9/11 was the cause of him changing? I know that doesn't change things but maybe it helps your heart a little bit to know that you did choose a good man to be your husband and the father of your children. Your picker wasn't broken, life got broken.

And, on the other topic, your dating life is going to be very difficult. And that's because you are strong and resilient and smart and educated. You've gone through all of this mess with grace and determination and it has given you a spine of steel. You've sought to learn about how to get through life's problems and you plow forward every single day. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of potential mates out there who have managed to navigate their life tragedies that well and they remain broken. And they are not suitable for you. The good news is, when you find that elusive one in a million, it will be worth it. I suspect he's probably already out there, looking for you.

Josiep, hey lady!

was he a great guy once upon a time and changed drastically? Is it possible that 9/11 was the cause of him changing?

He and I met in 1998 and began dating immediately. His Cluster B tendencies were apparent long before 9/11 (although I didn't know that's what they were), and I'm sure he was cheating. Not to mention, I was at Ground Zero too. I didn't use Craigslist casual encounters to cope...

According to family members who no longer speak to him, he was disordered even as a teenager. Purposely cruel to an Asperger's acquaintance, stuff like that. (By the way, found this out after we separated...)

Josie, the rest of your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm at a point in my life where if I am in a relationship, it has to be peaceful and it has to be healthy. I'm surprised at how many people walk around manufacturing drama when there is no cause for it. There are so many people who need conflict. It's like they are afraid to be truly at peace and happy.

It's been 3 weeks since my last brief relationship ended. I cannot describe how peaceful I feel. I feel very Zen about being single. I'm not looking to change this anytime soon. I feel better now than I did in the relationship. That says a lot.😊

You can absolutely do this. You are strong smart and capable. You and the kids will be ok.

I would ask your attorney the best course.

And if he’s got any feelings for the kids, i would ask him to put the money into a trust for them. He can make it as detailed as he wants

Am I an a**hole for enforcing boundaries? There is a large family event out of state on my weekend with the kids. STBX has asked to take them. I said no. (The couple of times I have asked him for minor things, like a 1 hour change in drop off time, he has always refused me. Whereas historically I have been flexible with him about major things. I stopped doing this recently). He responded that his illness is aggressive and he doesn't know how much longer he will be able to do this with them. His treatment starts next week.

Because of his history, I do not believe 95% of what comes out of his mouth. Okay, 100% really. If he really is that ill, I don't want my kids to miss this experience with their dad. However, he has created the situation with his hundreds of thousands of poor decisions over the past 20 years of our lives together. And I have continued to bend for him, and he continues to punish me. Why am I even thinking about this?

My family says maintain my boundaries. He has made his choices, and now must live with the consequences. Having cancer does not negate what he has done to me and the kids with his poor choices. I am in agreement. And yet here I am making this post, hesitating...

What do you think?

Honestly, no. NEVER negotiate with a terrorist! You will regret it! Keep your boundaries in place because he's trying to manipulate you!

I don’t have children so have never had to deal w your types of situations.

IF he is actually telling the truth about the extent of his illness-you can always reevaluate your perfectly normal boundaries in the future if needed. Stay the course.

Bleepy:

Just a quick word about boundaries - especially during a legal battle + cancer - which are two things I dealt with myself in my situation.

The boundaries are like safe areas - just like when kids might test and be defiant about rules - they give a sense of safety and security because everyone knows what's what. There's comfort in that. (Personally, I think kids kind of like rules.)

Healthy boundaries are also not a type of punishment (regardless of what folks like clusternutty think).

Without good boundaries or when we start to bend them thinking we're being unkind, heartless or bitchy, then it feels pukey. And - if he gets you to change the goalposts, look out, because that will be the norm.

Or maybe look at it this way - this large family event of his was probably planned a long time ago, yes? Did he shout loudly at the get-go about his own scheduling issues? From the rooftops, right? Did he tell all of those people about his illness and that it was not a weekend he had the kids and it was ultra-super-duper important that they join him?

Why do you have to bend and shift still? Why isn't he responsible for his own life? Or the needs of his kids? (I know - rhetorical questions).

You're hesitating because your decent nature is grappling with the right thing. Custody agreement = your weekend = kids with you. Simple as that.

Your STBX has long ago lost his standing as a credible or decent person or parent…do not allow him to guilt you into doing as he wants.

If your kids want to go, that’s different, but I would still likely say no.

Thanks all. My boundaries are in place. Answer is still no. OD, my DD12 really wants to go, and cried when I said no. That's where my real hesitation started. She immediately understood when I told her I wanted to see her on my weekends. She's extraordinary that way. Just a shit situation all around.

I did respond to stbx that if he needs to alter the kid arrangements or needs help due to his illness, that we should discuss that bigger issue and go from there. He fired back about heaven and hell (again!!) and he'll go when God takes him...but never answered my inquiry. Yep. Manipulation 101. You ALL called it. Sigh... I am glad I put in writing that I'm willing to assist kidwise if his illness requires it. The judge will see nothing but authentic classy bleep. And of course that's what I will do.

Yep! He was definitely trying to manipulate you. Expect him to use cancer or death to manipulate you again very soon. He knows you're an empathetic person and WILL try to use that against you. Keep your boundaries in place!

Hugs. I know you're having a hard time but so far, you're handling this like a boss AND showing and teaching your kids strength and humanity in the process.

Thanks all. My boundaries are in place. Answer is still no

Just my .02. I deal with a similar behavior from my XWW. Constantly asking to switch weekends, late to drop offs etc. I have to hold my ground and say No. Because the minute I accommodated her the frequency of change requests increased. I had to just say “The answer is automatically “No” going forward.

Sometimes she told the kids “Dad won’t switch, so we can’t go do something fun”. Sometimes she didn’t. Again in my experience the second you make the custody arrangements “loosey goosey” they start to hold less and less weight bc you are following the “new” pattern.

As others have said, stay the course, keep your boundaries, and remember “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to justify your reasoning to anyone! Especially your STBXH!

He fired back about heaven and hell (again!!) and he'll go when God takes him...

Maybe remind him that when he goes, it won't be to God.

Maybe remind him that when he goes, it won't be to God.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣㊃ 5;🤣🤣

I’m sorry I don’t have any actionable advice, only parrot what everyone’s saying about ensuring financial safeguards are in place.

I felt a bit sick at first, then I cried driving into work the next day. I don't love him. I stopped loving him a long time ago.

No explanation necessary, you’re human. I cry for strangers. You’re married, soon to be exes & he’s the father of your kids. Expected you needed a release. Plus knowing your children will be affected. Take care of yourself, especially so you can care for them. You’re in my thoughts 🙂