SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"Watch and wait" is passive. You need to be proactive.

To me,the most disturbing of all of this is the gun. He never intended to shoot himself when he put it in his mouth. Never. It was a move to manipulate and control you.

Say that..over and over..until it sinks in. He used a gun to control you.

The next time? He may use the gun pointed at you,or, worse,one of your kids, to control you.

And there will be a next time, if you don't take aggressive steps to remove yourself from him.

Hi new friends. Thank you for all of your concern and advice. I believe your observations - both about the situation and my response to it - are spot on. I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment to respond to you individually as I have been, but please know your warnings have been heeded and I do take them seriously.

Some things that stood out: HellFire's comment about WH controlling me with a gun. I didn't look at it that way until it was pointed out to me, so I'm glad it came to light here, scary as it is.

Someone else mentioned that I am likely minimizing the abuse and the situation. Yes, absolutely. It's hard to believe and accept that this stranger I am now living with isn't the same person I fell in love with. It's like someone flipped a switch and everything changed. I guess that's how it happens. And he isn't abusive every day. He can also be loving, kind, and sweet, so it messes with my head. That said, I understand what I am dealing with, and am being cautious not to set him off until I can coordinate a departure.

I will contact the local DV agency. I am hesitant at this juncture to get law enforcement involved if I can avoid it, but I will keep that in my pocket should I need to pursue it and/or if the DV agency recommends it.

Someone else asked if I was part of projecting an image of a "perfect" or "traditional" family. I'm not sure. WH's mother genuinely loves me. I've lived far away from my mom for many years, and we aren't close. When we lived in California, WH's mom took the place of the mom I hadn't had in years. I was thrilled to gain her as a mother-in-law, but I called her Mom, and she called me her daughter, not her daughter in law. She is in her 80s and not in the best health because she has had multiple back surgeries and may be in the early stages of cognitive decline. I believe WH got that angry because he has always been the golden child in his family (he is the youngest of two and the only boy) and he didn't want his sterling reputation tarnished with his precious mother. PS he lied to her too about what's going on. Told her the same bullshit story he told me. And now I can't tell her the truth for fear of angering him again. And I don't want to put that stress and anguish on her.

I should also mention he was never married before and never had children and he is in his 50s. The way he sold it to me is that he waited his whole life to find me and he had never met anyone else he wanted to marry before. Obviously a giant load of crap. I think he saw a meal ticket and latched on.

Oh Bigger,

You asked if he comments on my looks or clothes. No. Occasionally, he has a weird fetish about me being and role-playing as a nurse. And we used to role play quite a bit in the bedroom early on in our relationship. But he's never asked me to wear anything specific or wear my hair a certain way or any of that. These days, he barely comments on my clothes or looks at all and rarely compliments me. That was not the case before we moved to Missouri.

DobleTraicion,

I hear you, I promise. I am listening! Thank you for your strong words of warning.

You asked if I believe I deserve better. In my head, yes. I thought I'd found it. I'm still reeling from the cognitive dissonance of realizing that what I have is perhaps the worst of the bunch of shitty men I've attracted into my life. There was a time not too long ago that I thought he was the best. That maybe this time, I'd finally gotten it right.

I have a lot of healing to do. And a lot of therapy ahead of me. I can only hope I find a good therapist who can help me heal my heart and my soul so I can finally see my worth and never, ever make this mistake again.

Please read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It is an excellent resource and will further illustrate why we are sounding such a frantic alarm.

I worked with victims of domestic violence for two decades and I must say, of all the behaviors you mentioned the one I took greatest notice of was:

Later in the day, he pushed me.

It may seem seem a minor gesture in comparison to his other abusive behaviors but trust me, this is a universal tell. I hope you were able to call the DV hotline as you have planned.

Be careful and also, feel the support from this group.

Thank you Self-rescuer. Like your handle. We have to rescue ourselves. Price Charming isn't coming. I have read most of Why Does He Do That? from my prior relationship. Probably worth a re-read. It's been awhile. Can't believe I am here again. It sucks.

Sorry you find yourself here. You will get a lot of advice, take what you can use, leave the rest.

He is dangerous. The behaviors make that clear. No matter what you think, get out of that situation and get a restraining order if any more violent behavior occurs.

Things I don't understand: Why he would marry me and move to Missouri with me when he's involved with another woman in California? Why does he continue to carry on with her when he's here with me?

He is using you, he is using her, he is using his mom.

A couple of other details: I have a job, he doesn't. His only income is from the jewelry store, and it's sporadic at best. The store isn't doing well, and hasn't for years. So I am the breadwinner.

As long as you are with him, unless he changes, you will be just one more person who gets used. Stores like that require WORK, lots of work, to be sustaining. But, do you really know what is going on with that store? He has gaslit you about the relationship, why not the store, etc.

Most of us here eventually find that we really don't know much about what our WS had going in their secret life. I am no exception.

There was a time not too long ago that I thought he was the best. That maybe this time, I'd finally gotten it right.

I have a lot of healing to do. And a lot of therapy ahead of me. I can only hope I find a good therapist who can help me heal my heart and my soul so I can finally see my worth and never, ever make this mistake again.

This we can all relate to here. When you walk these digital halls and chat with other betrayeds, so many of us thought that we too had hit the jack pot with our Waywards, only to fund out that it was fools gold as it were. We all had/have tons of healing to do. Many are veterans of years of therapy (I sure am). You are certainly not the only betrayed to have faced multiple betrayals with different waywards, many of whom were abusive and violent to one extent or another. Many, like myself have moved on to a far brighter future replete with love and fulfillment.

All that to say, you are in the right place. You can and will recover with time and expert assistance via therapy and the love of trusted family and friends.

The only thing that seriously jeapordizes a brighter and healed future is your continued proximity to your current faithless abuser. Do you have a concrete plan now to leave???

I encourage you to keep posting here and keep it just for yourself.

Standinghere,

Thank you for your advice and encouragement. I'm so sorry we all have to meet under these circumstances, but it's so helpful to know that we aren't alone and that we can help each other survive, and hopefully eventually, thrive, despite our current pain and heartbreak.

I am struggling so much with reconciling my feelings for the man I fell in love with and the man my WH really is. I know he never existed anywhere but in my mind, and that I love a person that isn't real, but I'm having a hard time letting go. I am still planning to leave - make no mistake. Just feeling really emotional these past few days and mourning the life I wanted but will never have with him.

DobleTraicion,

Thank you for relating and offering your perspective. Fool's gold is an expression I've used for my WH, too, so I love that you made that comparison.

Your message gives me hope that there is a better future in store. It's hard to see past the heartache and betrayal and overall waking up that's happening right now. My chest feels heavy and there is such an ache in my heart. I am looking forward to feeling better someday, whatever that means.

I just found out my son's high school graduation is the day after what would have been my one-year wedding anniversary with WH. My son is in California with his dad, so I will have to travel back there to attend his graduation. That's where WH and I met and were married, so I think it'll be hard to go back, especially given the timing. But hoping I can find some joy in my son's milestone and focus on celebrating this momentous event as he moves on to the next phase of his life.

Still formulating an exit plan. I don't know if I mentioned, but I don't have a car of my own here and no one I can really ask to drive me places. So that complicates things immensely. I am working on securing a storage unit and renting a car or a UHaul or anything with wheels and space to store things and figuring out how I can coordinate leaving when WH isn't going to be here. I'm thinking about it A LOT.

[This message edited by Betsydonewrong at 5:54 PM, Friday, December 1st]

Keep in mind that stuff is stuff and (for the most part) can be replaced. Your life cannot. We're all pulling for you.

So no one at his jewelry store,his business, knows about you. He's taken you somewhere remote, so remote that most things are an hour away. And you have no vehicle.

He's isolated you.

You need to leave. Right away.

Are your parents,or siblings alive? You need to see if you can stay with them. Or a trusted friend. You need to get out of there.

Who are these people living on your property? Why are they there? How do you know them?

I don't have a car of my own here and no one I can really ask to drive me places. So that complicates things immensely.

This makes it even worse, you need to reach out to family and the DV organization and see what resources are available to you. He has threatened you and now you are living in fear, this is horrible!!

Is he the beneficiary of your life insurance?

Hi everyone,

Sort of an update:

I spoke to a pretty smart and resourceful friend yesterday, who recommended I "borrow" WH's truck when I'm supposed to take my daughter to school, and instead get to a rental car place and bail with only the clothes on our backs, important documents, and whatever else I can sneak out quickly. She said to drive SEVERAL hours away, then text him to let him know where his truck is, then block him on my phone, email, etc. so he can't reach me anymore.

His employees and mistress manager know about me - they just don't know we're married. So they think I'm just his girlfriend.

My parents and siblings are alive. I plan to go to my parents' in South Carolina. It's a 12-hour drive away.

The people living on our property are folks who came to stay with us and help out in exchange for room and board. Kind of like work camping, if you know what that is. They are looking for land of their own, so our place was a good place to stay while they familiarized themselves with the area and found their own place. They have been staying here about two months now. They live in an RV next to our house.

WH is not the beneficiary on anything. My kids get everything.

I spoke to a pretty smart and resourceful friend yesterday, who recommended I "borrow" WH's truck when I'm supposed to take my daughter to school, and instead get to a rental car place and bail with only the clothes on our backs, important documents, and whatever else I can sneak out quickly. She said to drive SEVERAL hours away, then text him to let him know where his truck is, then block him on my phone, email, etc. so he can't reach me anymore.

I wholeheartedly affirm this plan and encourage you to follow your friend's recommendation.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:44 PM, Saturday, December 2nd]

Hey Betsydonewrong, I hope you are safe and well. Please update when you get a chance.