SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I really think that they are truly broken people. I don’t know your backstory butI hope things are better for you now.

I wouldn't say "better", maybe coping.

I feel broken that I still love her.

I think sad and angry are the only 2 emotions that exist now.

I hate that I still love him. I hate the fact that I can't (or won't) leave him.

Funny thing happened today.

As my thread indicated, and to recap. This man, my husband, was in a relationship waaaaaay before we married.

Before our 5 year wedding anniversary, I discovered that he had been with “her” for 14 years.

We met in 2008.

We married in 2013.

He’d been with her, according to my numbers, since 1999.

I had no idea. Zero.

Even after I found out, we moved out of state, which was our ultimate plan.

I stuck by, still struggling, doubtful & unsure.

Been here permanently since October 2019.

I’ve since found a primary contact provider, in our current state.

He nailed it & opened my eyes...during a two our preliminary meeting.

I connected with him.

I gave him 100% honesty.

He was shocked!

Pretty much told me, “WTF are you doing with this guy?”

This was humbling to say the least.

He told me, that I was pretty much the other woman, who he eventually married!

I NEVER looked at it like that.

Pretty eye opening!

This has been the climax of my “therapy”.

Things haven’t been right with my husband & I, for a while.

I just can’t get over this.

I didn’t marry the man whom he told me he was.

I feel like such a fool.

For some reason, there’s a block within myself, that isn’t letting me move forward with him.

Now it makes a little more sense & it was a relief to have a total stranger feel the way I do, off the bat.

It wasn’t like he took the wrong exit or even had a one night stand.

This was pre-meditated from the get go, unbeknownst to me.

I just replay all the lies, for all these years.

I’m pretty much done.

I still hurt.

However, as of today, I feel like I went from hopeless to hopeful.

I was just telling him, my cheating husband, that I’ve been waiting for a sign.

Today, I saw it.

Still plan on going forward, as much as I can, until I can find I better & happier way out.

Ugh.

Wow. I had to read that several times. Am I the OW as well? I think I am.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Its certainly eye opening.

I sometimes have been made to feel that way too, since the AP was her ex from before we met. The douchebag probably felt I was going to be temporary and was biding his time. WW called me crazy...yeah how about that.

I started feeling to be the OM when she said she can't let him go because they've been friends for years. They were only dating a short while before breaking up, most of the time they've "been good friends" was when she was with me, and that entire time I wanted her to not talk to him (she later claimed I didn't voice my concerns hard enough )

She acted like the scenario was getting involved with someone and they demand you cut out a friend of 8 years.

When she told me that I felt I was never going to "beat" this guy. No matter how long I was with WW, he would always have more "seniority" than me.

The reality though is that's her problem. I didn't steal her from anyone, we were both single. I courted her and proposed to her. I wanted to spend my life with her. I was legitimate. I am not the OM.

They may treat us like that but we are not.

We shouldn't be.

When they reconnected on social media, I was actually HAPPY for him. Reconnecting with a long lost college friend, how nice. Especially one that lived so far away. How naive of me! He left out a few KEY details about the "friendship".

The first d day, I was made to feel the same, Shattered. How dare I ask him to stop being friends with someone he had none for so long...It was a ONS, just a fling. Well, turns out that it was NOT a drunken ONS, he extended his trip back to the reunion specifically TO spend a few days together. And not only that, his BFF was in on it.

I don't get it. I don't understand how anyone can treat another person this way.

I now realize, we never recovered from the first go round. We rugswept like a pro. Or at least he did, and I allowed it.

You know what's funny?

In our first year together, my company had two civil engineer majors interning for us and they were placed on my team. One of them was a very cute woman who I got along with very well and we had a rapport with each other. I invited both of them to our board game group.

WW was extremely jealous and insecure of this woman. To be honest, if I was single I would have asked her out. She wasn't going to stay a coworker, after graduating she went to an engineering firm (for my company, if you're a straight up civil engineer fresh out of school you're more likely than not going to do Quality Assurance which isn't exciting).

Because of WW's insecurity, I purposefully stopped talking to this woman. I cared about WW more than my budding friendship with this woman. I was also hoping for a tit-for-tat (point out the irony, inspire her to cut out her ex), but we all know how that worked out.

I have ended friendships, and even business relationships with men for him. Not because he cared, but because I thought the men had crossed the line. I guess some people have standards that others don't even know exist!

I don't think there was any danger in keeping her as a friend, she probably wouldn't even been interested anyways . We shared a similar sense of humor which made it fun.

In retrospect I wish I had kept in touch. WW deserved to have someone that threatened her, maybe she would have actually handled things differently.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 5:42 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

Lesson learned, we should not sacrifice our relationships with other people for them!

I just need to vent to people who understand.

His mother just died. The woman hated me. I tried my best over the years to build a relationship with her, but it was a waste of my time. Simply because she is a devout catholic and I am not. Note that her son also has nothing to do with the church, but I guess that was my fault, all though it happens years before I even met him. And I did not agree with most of her archaic beliefs that she held because of her religion.

None the less, I am sad she died. His father is devastated, and he and I got along fine, until recent years. Not sure what happened there either.

Anyway, back to dear old mom. Apparently she loved AP. To the point where she interfered in his MARRIAGE to get him and AP reconnected. Successfully too, may I add. That was a story I did not need to know.

So now I am over my head deep in preparation for the old bat's funeral, which will be long and miserable.

Yes that is a story you did not need to know. How did you find out?

WW's mother encouraged her to be with the AP, just take what you said and make her Jewish (AP was Jewish too). I bet your WH's AP was catholic?

Ww is basically agnostic, she has no real belief if anything and regards being Jewish as a cultural thing. After I came onto the scene (I'm orthodox christian, not catholic) suddenly her mother wanted to do more Jewish holidays and traditions that they normally didn't do. And the funny thing is when WW was 12, she went to a religious summer camp and came back super into the religion and her mother stamped it out. She wanted her daughter to carry on certain traditions and be with a Jewish guy but not be too religious.

It's all just excuses for control.

Catholics are supposed to be big on no divorce (so why interfere with a marriage?)

Why is it your responsibility to plan this woman's funeral? With the treatment you've received, surely there are others in her family that should do it?

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 1:29 PM, March 5th (Thursday)]

So now I am over my head deep in preparation for the old bat's funeral, which will be long and miserable.

Why is this your responsibility?

ugh....they (all the siblings) were reminiscing about all the times when she interfered with their lives, and he told that story, mainly because apparently she hated his wife so much that she refused to come to the wedding. He didn't get married in the church, so I think that was part of the problem. I think he forgot I was part of the group, because I went off on him later.

I'm not really planning anything, as that was done previously, but there are still so many logistical things to be done. Phone calls to be made, etc.

Noneof my family will even be at the funeral. That's how separate we are. Or is that normal?

No, I wouldn't say so. But if she was a controlling domineering woman who interfered in everyone's lives, I might not blame them.

Sounds like WH should be manning those phones though.

Right now my mom is going through hoops trying to coordinate for my ailing grandmother (she fell and got a hairline fracture on her hip, and we're trying to move her out of a rehab place and they're making it difficult for us and the insurance will stop covering this place in a few days so it'll be out of pocket soon, we found another place that will be covered). Her brother is making it difficult by not helping much, especially after promising to but not following through.

In that case my mom has to do the legwork if no one else does so my grandmother gets the care we want her to get (and not drain her funds in the process). But in your case, seriously, what's the worse that can happen? She's already dead.

But in your case, seriously, what's the worse that can happen? She's already dead

ok, that gave me the laugh I needed!

Seriously, we were all sitting around actually laughing and having a good time while they remembered thing she had done, and then one brother brought up something about a high school gf that the mother did not approve of, and that prompted him to tell the story of AP. I don't think any of them know about his affair with her, or that its still going on. When he realized he had brought her up, he changed the subject.

I honestly don't know why I'm putting myself out for these people. It just needs to be done.

I know the feeling. That is often in my nature too. But the people who don't step up often take that for granted. Sometimes you have to get a little selfish and focus on yourself, even if it's uncomfortable.

Shattered, I also meant to say I hope you get your grandmother settled peacefully.

I absolutely hate family drama and his family is soooo full of it.

Thanks, we think she's on her way out though so I'm not sure if there is any peace left except for passing on (there's now talk about hospice care). She's completely out of it with very late stage alzheimer's. My mom is burned out taking care of her for the last 2.5 years. She's only in a care facility because of the fracture, and my mom can't manipulate her to change her, etc. The only bright side is the facility we want to put her in is really close to other family so they'll be able to see her more.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 3:38 PM, March 5th (Thursday)]