SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

secondtime, I am so sorry. I hope you heal quickly. I hate that you are dealing with this devastation on top of trying to heal physically. I wish you peace and rest and healing. I wish it were easier to just turn off our feelings when we need to. Hang in there.

SecondTime,

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. Sex addiction is an illness of emotional intimacy carried out by people who lack empathy. He can't show up for you because he can't deal with his shame. That doesn't make it OK. Just know it's not about you.

Do you have support outside of your husband - not just for your health but also for your emotions?
You can lay in bed and do a SALifeline meeting by zoom. Some of us do that. We keep the video off. We talk, we cry, we rage, and we recover from the pain. We find validation there, women who understand the pain, and will hold space one another while we share our authentic feelings. It is cathartic.

BR

So this school year I’m working at the high school after working many years in an elementary building. Today I was talking to one of the counselors about kids and social media… the conversation easily moved to everything these kids have access to on their phones. The counselor starts telling me about how porn ruins marriages and men choose porn over their wives…. Part of me trusted him and almost told my deepest darkest secret. I’m pretty new there though so I kept my secret. The other part of me tried to look shocked and kept a poker face since my life has been devastated by my husbands choice of porn over me for the last 34+ years.

Good news though, I have done enough work over the last almost 6 years, that I wasn’t triggered, just so sad. I wish this information had been readily available 35 years ago. Maybe just maybe my life would have been different.

I get where porn can mess a person up, but I don't think the problem we've all encountered is because porn exists. People all over the world watch porn and don't do this sex addict stuff. This particular problem has to do with who they are. Alcohol exists and not everyone gets drunk and beats his wife. We're not all taking things that we enjoy and using them to destroy everyone around us. There's something deeper with a serial cheater or sex addict. Porn doesn't explain it. There were serial cheaters/sex addicts long before the internet.

While I understand that my sawh’s unavailable parents, his childhood sexual abuse and early introductions to porn back in the early 70’s well before the internet are the reasons it became his drug of choice to escape, I doubt you can find anyone married an addict whether it’s alcohol, drugs, porn or anything else that will find value in their partners drug of choice. In my case porn.

My post was intended to be more about my journey and I doubt that I will ever be able to argue that porn didn’t cause me immense pain for the last 35 years. And the first 30ish years I didn’t know what was causing my problems and pain.

I also think that porn being available on the internet to these younger and younger kids will never be a good thing. I am working in a school where 50% of the student body was home for the last 18 months isolated with their computers and smart phones. I pray that they were not looking for an escape. I see all of the overly anxious teens walking around and I wonder.

Anyway, I am proud of myself for holding my own in what was a difficult situation for me.

I haven't posted here in a really long time but I wanted to share something that helped me connect some dots. I'm fairly removed from the relationship with my XSA but I remained a confused on a few things. Addiction is way out of my wheelhouse. The other night I watched a documentary, "Jacinta," on HULU, that answered the few unanswered question that I've struggled with. It's about drug addiction, but the glimpse inside the mind of an addict was super helpful.

It might be triggering for folks who've dealt with drug addition FYI.

Hope everyone is finding peace and healing.

Delilah2016

I agree with you that porn use among teens is increasing and its really scary. I heard from one woman whose kid goes to school in California that at her son's school, there are students who walk down the hall openly watching it on their phones. And I have a friend married to a SA whose teen son is now in treatment for porn addiction.

As curious as it was that the counselor brought it up with you, I actually view it as a good thing that they're aware of it. My daughter was the only female in one of her classes in high schools and the boys downloaded porn onto her school laptop one day while she was out of the room. The school administration kept arguing it couldn't have happened because the school has a firewall. The boys just used a proxy server to get behind it. It wasn't until we showed them the actual pictures on the laptop that they believed it happened, but they didn't really do anything to the boys other than leave a voicemail on their parents' phone.

I think it has a lot to do with smartphones and so it's always available and easy to hide from parents. And because of the internet, a lot of amateur stuff is available for free. Sadly, those teens will grow up and someone will get into a relationship with them and end up betrayed. It's sort of a helpless feeling.

Skeeter

Thanks for the tip on the show.

Hello, I've been gone from SI for several months. I know my husband has an account with Plenty of Fish. His newest profile name is jrm865. Is there anyone that has a Plenty of Fish account and willing to look him up? Send me a screenshot of his full profile?

Thank you. A couple of months ago I learned he was on 5 dating websites but he created a new account with a new profile and phone number with POF. I'm really not at liberty to give any other explanation than I need it and I cant run a search. Can anyone help?

I will send you my cell # to send me a screenshot.

Hello, I've been gone from SI for several months. I know my husband has an account with Plenty of Fish. His newest profile name is jrm865. Is there anyone that has a Plenty of Fish account and willing to look him up? Send me a screenshot of his full profile?

Thank you. A couple of months ago I learned he was on 5 dating websites but he created a new account with a new profile and phone number with POF. I'm really not at liberty to give any other explanation than I need it and I cant run a search. Can anyone help?

I will send you my cell # to send me a screenshot.

MyHeart101

You might try posting in the 'investigative tips" forum. But I'm going to overstep and ask what you're looking for?
You say you already know he's on dating sites. He's not working a recovery. That doesn't make him a bad person, just a very sick person.

Perhaps it's time for you to start working your recovery from betrayal trauma. Once you're on that path, you'll either be able to stay with him and have the strength to detach from his addictions, or you'll decide that the marriage isn't working for you. Either way, you'll find more peace and serenity than you have now. I know it seems impossible now when you're in such trauma, but trust me, it is possible. Please, join a 12-step group like SA-Anon or SALifeline, and find yourself a therapist who deals with betrayal trauma.

You didn't cause your husband's addictions, you can't control them and you can't cure it. So please, please take care of yourself.

Blackraven,

I've been gone so long that I forgot there is an investigative section. Thank you for the reminder.

I have already left him as of 9/3. The dating websites did it in for me. We were "supposedly" in the process of another of our several reconciliations since July 11. But on my deceased, forever 26 year old son's birthday, 8/19 I discovered the 5 dating websites he had joined 7/1- while separated, and that he had unpaused one of them 8/12.

We had agreed on the marital dissolution and I paid for an agreed divorce. However, i also filed for an Order of Protection due to sodomy, harassment, and stalking. He was served on the OOP before he received the divorce papers in the mail to sign. He refused to sign the "agreed" divorce after he was served on the OOP because I refused his offer to sign the divorce papers in exchange of downgrading the OOP to a restraining order. Since I refused his offer, which I would have gotten nothing but the divorce, he filed for a divorce and accused ME of marital misconduct. A girlfriend that is on POF found him on there and sent me a screenshot of his profile pic from the "possible matches". I am only trying to save myself some money by getting his full profile as proof of his current marital misconduct.

The diagnosis of sex addiction is useless in many cases. It does not allow a medical professional to bill insurance as it's not a "real" illness according to the DSM. Don't get me started on that entity.

Alcoholics, drug addicts, etc., self diagnose and get themselves to 12 step meetings or seek other treatment. SAs do the same. Unless they themselves admit it, there is no chance of recovery.

I don't believe any court will recognize SA as a thing that can affect the outcome of a divorce or other legal action. Man, I have even heard of people who were PROVED to participate in unsavory sex practices, who were caught masturbating to porn with young children nearby, who weren't even penalized by reduced or supervised child visitation judgments.

A sex addiction diagnosis can help direct a recovery effort, but there is little additional benefit IMHO.

Thanks all.

I have a therapist for the emotional support. My friends and coworkers don't know about DH, but they are a huge source of support for me, without them knowing it.

We've landed alright for now.

Hi,

I go see my Order of Protection/Divorce lawyer later today. It looks we will be going to court regarding the OOP. He offered to settle to keep it out of court but hi

He offered to sign the "agreed" divorce papers if I would downgrade the OOP to a restraining order. The difference being that a restraining order would not go on his permanent record and I would have to take him back to court everytime he violated it. Otherwise, he would spend 10 days in jail for each violation. I said let's go to court. Domestic violence. I have a Victim's Advocate. She will accompany me to give my deposition and to court.

Anyone with experience in court on this? I need to find his ex wife that claimed he beat her. Not sure how except that I know the town she moved back to after they split up. I suppose she still lives there since her family is there.

And since I said No Deal and he didn't sign the agreed divorce papers and instead filed for divorce on the grounds of both irreconcilable differences and inappropriate marital misconduct. What a jerk. I've never been guilty of anything but being an idiot for trying to make my marriage work! The only thing he's asking for in the divorce is for me to have to pay the court costs, filing fees, and all attorney's fees. He didnt even address ownership of our 2 dogs. The day before I left him he had agreed we would sit the 2 dogs and we agreed on how all household belongings would be split. Before court, I had already gotten all of my belongings and we had already split our money when our house sold a few months previously. We each own our own vehicles. We don't have any marital property or joint accounts except for the dogs. My attorney is about to send the "Answer" to the divorce claim and file a counter claim so I can have both of the dogs, get alimony that I am entitled to and all court costs and attorney's fees paid. I have diagnosed PTSD from marital rape (sodomy). AND sue him on the grounds of marital misconduct. Geesh, I think rape will qualify.

Is anyone familiar with a women's Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR) group?

I think it's time to reach out for help. I'm feeling more emotionally stable now and think reaching out now can help me move beyond the bad memories and the pain he caused me. And acceptance of his infidelities and also the fact that he lied to me right to my face hundreds of times throughout our marriage.

He let me down. He betrayed me in so many ways and on multiple occasions. And yet he could be around me day after day, for years and act as if everything was normal, until he couldn't hide from me anymore. And this is when he started acting out by showing me who he really was, a flirt, a cheater and a liar. And add alcoholic to the list. He seemed to get off on flirting with other women in front of me and making me jealous. He seemed to love to cause me emotional pain.

I remember him telling me that there were several people at his work who were accusing him of having an affair with at least one of his coworkers, and possibly along with another. He told me it wasn't true. But in fact it was the truth. He had this whole other life going on behind my back.

I do not blame myself for his choices. He gets to own them. And he also knew what he was doing. He never closed the doors to other women. This is all on him. He changed the direction of our marriage from my loving and trusting him him, to walls up, disgust towards him, distrust, loss of interest in true intimacy with him. So heart breaking.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 7:20 AM, Friday, October 29th]

There hasn't been much activity on here lately.

I just want to wish everyone strength, peace and serenity over the holiday season. There are so many reasons why it can be a difficult time. But we'll survive this and hopefully 2022 will bring good things to all of us.

Thanks for that post of encouragement BlackRaven. I also hope everyone is practicing self care and self healing. Things are moving forward for me. Just still dealing with the grief.

Hurtmyheart do everything you need to do to get the support you need. It can all be so heavy. So much betrayal and trauma. Although I’m choosing to divorce I have a lot of work in front of me. So please take care of yourself.

Hi all!

It's been a while. BlackRaven, thanks for posting something to pick this topic back up.

This topic will close soon and we'll need to open another one, but just wanted to pop in and say hi.

I hope everyone is doing well and healing to the best of their ability and on their own timeline

HurtMyHeart, I haven't heard of BTR group, I only ever really felt comfortable with the online discourse here at SI, but I agree with PurpleReign, anything you feel might help you, do it!

He seemed to get off on flirting with other women in front of me and making me jealous. He seemed to love to cause me emotional pain.

Re: this, does he still do this? I'm not saying it would be good to do it behind your back (been there, done that, found out my whole life was a lie and he was leading a double life - 0 out of 10, do NOT recommend), BUT the fact that he's blatantly doing this in front of you suggests an entirely different level of disrespect.

This is just my personal opinion, but I think if we ever get the feeling that someone is doing something with the intention of causing us pain, we need to walk away. I remember feeling like that at times, but brushing off the feeling and dismissing my own fears thinking I was being too judgmental/critical and not giving him the benefit of the doubt. I wish I had trusted myself more when those feelings came up.

As much as I would like to believe that everyone is a good person, and each of those people occasionally makes varying degrees of bad choices, experience has taught me that that's not the case. I've had to accept that it's more of a sliding scale. So there are some truly entitled people out there who think only of themselves, and don't care who they step on to get what they want. Those are the bad people who occasionally make good choices, not the other way around.

Maybe he has already shown you the kind of person he is, and maybe what is most hurtful is that who he has demonstrated himself to be and who you want him to be aren't even close.