Long Post -
I met my husband during my first year in college. Giving background history- when we dated earlier on he was abusive physically. However, we still married after he received counseling. During the abuse, I always wondered if he did this to his previous girlfriends and why did he do this to me (clearly I had low self-esteem). We had kids and throughout our marriage we had ups and downs. He treated me good (he knew what I needed, he knew how to motivate me and send me into the world, he couldn't keep his hands off of me). However, our downs were not good. Still in the beginning part of the marriage was abusive. I was insecure and things that he did would bother me (like I was pregnant with our daughter and we went to a party. He told me that he could not sit next to me because his co-workers did not know anyone. So, he stood next to them the whole night to make them comfortable). A couple years later, I think unconsciously, I was tired and befriended a male co-worker. I even set-up a private email account so that he could talk to me. I wanted NOTHING from this person. I was not attracted to him. I just enjoyed the friendship (hindsight- I know it was wrong, but I felt that my husband was doing the same - befriending females). Early on in the marraige, he would stay out late. He rode motorcycles (which I did not like because of the element and the danger - especially with having a family). Social media happened. He would like pictures of girls half-naked, which again didn't help my esteem. I would tell my husband that he was contradictory. I couldn't call a male and see how he was doing (even thoough I didnt have any friends), but he could call up a female friend and see how she was doing. I went out after work with co-workers (I own a small business, so I would do community building) he would call me, but he would go out with his co-workers and I would leave him alone. Because he wanted to do music, I spent a lot of nights at home alone with the kids until 2-3am. Eventually, he gave it up, because he said I was nagging. There was an opportunity for us to move that would have saved our family a lot of money financially and he could have had career growth. We moved, but I did not like it so we moved back to the city we were residing in. I ended up working down here and thriving.
In May of 2024, I cheated on him in the most horrible way. I feel so degraded! In March, my husband and I were on iffy terms. He was going out still (I don't mind you going out, but I didn't understand why he would go out at 3pm and not come home until 1am - even if it was with friends that I knew. I could say that I was jealous, because while we went out nearly every weekend, it was just to dinner and would we would be back home in 2 hours. In addition, we were arguing. I felt low, because during the arguments, I know that our kids could hear them. And when they did see me, they would give me side glances. If I talked loud, my husband would say that I am masculine and he doesn't want a masculine women. Or, when we talked, he would bring a issue to the table and tell me that he hoped that what I was saying wasn't a rebuttle. I would be tired from work and not want to wear heels. He would say that if I was worried about him looking at other females, then I should dress accordinlgy. I became friends (or associates) with his ex- girlfriend from college (by happenstance). She wanted him to take pictures. I told him b/c she reached out to me. My lack of maturity did not tell him how I felt. Instead I asked him if he would do it. It blew up in an argument. He stated that he wasn't going to fall into that trap and that she was basically considered a friend. I was hurt, because he knew how I felt. I really could not state that I had any male friend, yet he could state that. I think I was tired of all of the abuse over the years. There ended up being a guy that came into my business. He was younger than me. He did look nice - but that wasn't a big deal to me. He was very kind. Always complimented me (my husband did too). It was easy and fun to talk to the guy. I degraded myself because the guy told me flat out that he wanted to have a sexual encounter with me. My husband ended up getting me a room Mother's Day weekend. The guy came over and I cheated. I knew it was wrong. I knew the conversations leading up to the action were wrong. I came clean with my husband after he stressed me that something was off (my husband is so in tune with me). For the next few months, my husband has called me out of my name, stated that I needed to suffer, stated how I destroyed his life because of all the things he gave up for me and how he sacrificed for me in our marriage (he did). After months, he moved out and stated that he wants a divorce, but I do not want one. I want to show him that I can be the woman for him (during all of this he stated that I did not love him like needed to be loved). I am devastated that my affair broke our marriage. As cliche as it sounds, this is not me. I get bothered watching stories of infidelity on Dateline. I don't know what to do. I want him back and I do not know what I need to do. He refuses marriage counseling (I brought this up for us to attend last year when I started to feel shakey). He tells me it is up to us to fix it. But I feel that without his input, I am just grasping as straws trying to do what I think is best. I have returned back to church. I have repented. I feel that some of my behavior is changing (like I am not so quick to get upset and loud). I only want to cater to him and show him that I can be the wife that he needs. I want to love him. He says why didn't I do it previously. I don't know. Other than my judgement was clouded by being unhappy and never stepped up as a wife and told him how I felt. I don't know what to do. But I know that I am SO remorseful every second of the day and is willing to do whatever to restore my marriage.
