SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A little bit of backstory: a little over a year ago, I decided to tell my wife that I had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend from high school, off and on, over the past few years. Now, I hadn't seen this person or talked to her on the phone — we just texted and checked in every once in a while on social media. We mostly talked about normal life stuff, things like that. We talked about music and stuff from her work during COVID. Just friendly, platonic conversations.

Then there was about a two- or three-month period where we talked maybe once a week. Her dad was sick with cancer, and I was like, "Oh man, I wish I could go see him and tell him I said hi." At that point, I almost told my wife just to see if I could go see him, but of course I kept it hidden and didn't end up going.

We talked about music, and she was going to a show with one of our mutual friends. I had a thought like, "Yeah, what am I thinking — I definitely can't go to that show," so I didn't go. Eventually this led to a late-night conversation where I reached out to her while drinking, and she ended up asking me if I was happy. Instead of saying yes, I said something like, "We can't talk about that stuff, let's change the subject," or along those lines. I was playing with a line I knew I shouldn't cross, and I did it anyway. We ended up talking about our past, before I was with my wife, and reminisced. She started to tell me I was always the one, and I said something like, "Well, you missed out — too late, and maybe in a different life," instead of just shutting it down. I then remember changing the subject and saying something like, "Okay, enough of that, let's talk about someone else you can date — who are you dating?" Like I was playing it off as some sort of game. The conversation ended with her talking about her dad, and how sad she was that he was going to pass away without ever meeting her kids. I told her I wished I could be there for her, and all that. It was emotional and I completely crossed the line.

Once that conversation happened, I felt the guilt. I remember thinking, "Okay, that's it. You're done talking, and you can't take it any further." So I didn't reach back out for a couple of weeks, just to make sure she wouldn't either. One of her friends told me that she'd talked to her about the conversation and how it had gotten emotional. I told her friend that I was married and that I couldn't talk to her that way. A few weeks later, I checked in just to say hi and make sure things stayed platonic, if you will. I said, "Hey, how's it going, what are you up to?" I wanted to make sure she didn't think I meant anything more than friendship, if that makes sense. After that brief conversation, I deleted my social media and didn't look back.

About a year later, I had a massive panic attack. This overwhelming guilt came over me. Something told me to just tell her (my wife), so I did. I told her the whole timeline, from when I first checked in to that last conversation that night. The problem is, I had deleted the texts, so now I can't remember exactly how I said everything or how I came across, along with other details.

Now, every day feels like a loop. Over a year later, I still have this constant, obsessive thought loop about all of it. My mind has turned into a bully, it feels like — constantly replaying the conversations,trying to look for the next detail to confess or re confess, constantly calling me names like "adulterer" and "cheater,telling me to die and that I'm just like my father "He left my mom for another woman". Telling me this feeling is forever, constant what-if thoughts: what if people found out I kept in contact with her, what if my kids ever found out, what if my parents found out, etc. It's gotten to the point where I'm seeking reassurance online, googling things like "how to let go of past mistakes," and even talking to AI to try to get some kind of answer. My wife has forgiven me, It has gotten to the point where shes telling me not to bring it up and also to use this guilt to show you how to be going forward, etc.

I'm in therapy, and I'm not sure if this is something normal that everyone here goes through, or if my obsessive behaviors are making it worse. Any advise is greatly appreciated.

[This message edited by MTG12112 at 10:42 PM, Sunday, September 20th]

Hi-

I remember you. I am not certain that I said this but I bet I did- I have had this issue, intrusive thoughts, rumination, keeping it on loop. I think it sounds a bit like OCD. This was one thing I was treated for and it did help some.

I believe what your situation stems from is toxic shame. Toxic shame is usually created in childhood from trauma and neglect and internalized messages that make a person feel inherently unworthy.

This was the other thing that I have battled in conjunction with the self-punishment loop I have stayed in for most of my adult life.

Unlike ordinary shame, which is temporary and linked to specific actions (I know this seems to fit your case) but toxic shame is a chronic and internalized issue that affects one’s core identity. It is not tied to a single even but is a pervasive believe that one is inherently bad or unworthy.

It can create people pleasing tendencies, social isolation, conflict avoidance, imposter syndrome, sensitivity to criticism, self sabatofing behaviors, and perfectionism.

I hear this in your post and I recognize it as it’s my patterns. It’s suffocating.

You said you are in therapy, are they talking about these things? You may need a different therapist.

I know you understand that you were planting seeds that could grow with this person, but you have also displayed a lot of things that show you are not an inherently bad person—-you stopped it, you confessed, you are racked with guilt, the unhealthy thing is that you can not come to a place of self compassion, and let the experience be translated into work you need to do on your mental health.

I have been to the depths of hell mentally, I hear it in your post. You do not deserve to live with it the way you are. But, I also think it’s going to take a lot to start unwinding this to get another lens in your perspective. Therapy will help, you may need to do some of your own research and reading. And maybe even EMDR therapy will be beneficial. I had some good relief with psilocybin therapy.

There is a great post in the reconciliation forum right now about being in the loop. And often what can trigger these rumination loops lies in wanting to establish safety and certainty. I think that’s true, and for me I think that lack of safety lived in my nervous system since I was a child and it just got worse as I got older.

I hope you find relief. I don’t think the issue is solely that you were on a slippery slope in considering infidelity. The way you stopped it makes me think that maybe you really are unwilling to commit adultery. That’s a good thing. But I think it’s uncovered some issues that if you work to address can lead to a happier, more relaxed life where your relationship with yourself provides the certainty that you are seeking and allows you to anchor yourself better in your relationship and dealings with other people.