Getting over trust issues

I’m now struggling with trust issues due to something in my new marriage. Does anyone have good advice or recommendations to get past these issues since my previous marriage. I never realized just how many there are that still affect me after so these years. I’ve explained to my wife that I’m going to need her help to rebuild our trust and that my previous marriage gave me all these issues that I need to work though but I’ll need her help and support also.

Thanks

Devastated

5 comments posted: Thursday, August 11th, 2022

Great new relationship, old triggers. Help!

Hey all,

I need your help again! I have not been on this site in many years, I moved on from my XW and pretty much was single for over 9 years after my first she cheated over 20+ times and I was too stupid and denying all the red flags that were obviously right there. I finally broke the ice and found someone that was great! We have now been married for 9 years. Everything has been amazing during this time until last week. I started having issues where I would hear music when none was playing and it started keeping me awake at night. The first night I thought I heard my wife playing with herself, I kind of brushed it off knowing that it might have not been the case. Second night again I can't sleep and hear it again. After starting to hear it again, I turned over to my back as she was facing away from me which is normal when we sleep and I seen her quickly move her hand away. After this the next day I asked if she was playing with her self, and she said she was not. I asked if she was hiding anything and she said no. Of course I know this was a lie after hearing and seeing what I did. She then went on to say that she had an itch, which would have been fine if not for the 5-15 minute time frame and the increased breathing.

This of course started the spiral with all my emotions and detective mode kicking in from my past marriage. I started not only not being able to sleep just listening but started wondering with if she got messages, etc. I've been starting to over analyze everything, from little things to if she starts moving her hand that way under a blanket if that is what she is doing. I have talked with her and tried to not get angry or upset but it's been really hard. I'm working on getting counseling since I now realize I'm still having trouble coping with everything from my past marriage, I explained about how her lie triggered me, and that I'm doing my best to not overthink things. I love my wife and want to do everything I can to make our marriage work, but there's a part of me in my gut that tells me what I saw was the truth. She started with the I'm hearing things, crazy, or it's in my head. I'm getting counseling to be sure that's not the case, but at the same time, I feel like for what ever reason she is denying it, and I told her I don't really care if she was or not, it's the fact she lied about it that is bothering me. We have been arguing for the past week, and it always seems to circle back to the initial issue. We are at an impasse with it, she keeps swearing she is not, but my gut says she was and I'm standing my ground.

I wanted to also note that we rarely have sex anymore and I feel like if this was the case, that it would be the reasoning for her not being in the mood.

I could use some advice on this. I will be speaking to my counselor next week when I start my sessions but this forum has been a lifesaver with my first marriage and the multiple times I was cheated on with finally getting divorced to finding the amazing wife I have now.

Thanks in advance.

Devastated

5 comments posted: Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022