Nightmares about the EX
Does anyone here ever experience nightmares about the ex? I have one about every other week and it is always the same theme that I am back with him and I don't want to be. I usually end up telling him that I don't want to be there or escape, or some theme of that sort.
I always wake up feeling icky and wondering why he still occupies my thoughts when i don't want him to. I have never missed him once since I left. I have felt relieved and at peace until I get a nightmare and it leaves me feeling unsettled and confused.
Is it my mind just sorting things and putting it to rest? It's been 4 years since I left you would think the nightmares stop at some point.
9 comments posted: Tuesday, October 29th, 2024
When are you considered divorced?
The judge finally signed off on our papers. Does this mean I am divorced? I have read it takes 6 months from signing for it to be official. I haven't received the decree yet. What a long process D is sheesh. I can hardly wait to update my tagline 
11 comments posted: Friday, August 30th, 2024
Still finding info even after D
It's amazing that the gift that keeps on giving just keeps on giving luckily I am in a good mental space and my xWS is no longer of any concern to me. It's just interesting how the info keeps trickling in.
I met up with my girlfriend who was a friend of the M, but we had stopped communicating after my False R with xWS and we re-connected last year. We just went to lunch over the weekend and she let me know of an incident that happened in 2003 when I was pregnant with my firstborn. Turns out it was the girl at the golf course he was working with and he used to have sex with her in the cart barn (he used to be a golf instructor). How lovely 
All this does is just confirm, again, who and what he is. How I wish I would have left a long time ago. My M never had a chance, he was doing this from go. One thing I have a hard time reconciling is the amount of time I wasted in the M. I am thankful for my kids, I would honestly do it again to have them. Maybe that's all he was good for was being a sperm donor.
5 comments posted: Monday, July 8th, 2024
Almost to the finish line
Is it bad that I am so happy about this My divorce is finally almost to the finish line we have come to an agreement that I get the house (he is inheriting his mother's house soon) and he gets to keep his business. No spousal, child support (except for medical expenses we will split 50/50).
I can hardly wait until this is over.
Divorce party is coming soon and all my girlfriends are ready for it.
I have no regrets and am living the best time of my life right now.
3 comments posted: Friday, September 29th, 2023
Ex is asking me for spousal support in divorce and involving the kids
I am just beside myself the ex has responded to my D petition and is asking me for spousal support when he makes more money than I do. Probably because I listed his business (which he is able to hide his income) so I am really worried about this. I know my lawyer can subpoena his bank records which could prove that he is receiving cash from somewhere. I have a call with my lawyer on Monday to discuss so I hope that it will reassure me, but my Ex has a criminal mind and has gotten away with things before. Just feels like more injustice upon injustice and he had the nerve to show my petition to the kids and involve them 
framing me to look like what I am asking for is ridiculous. He has hid money from me for YEARS and had supported his mistress with marital funds.
What do you do when your ex has been successfully alienating the kids and now involving them in the D. My life with him has been a complete nightmare and this is just making things exponentially worse. I fear my kids holding it against me. This is beyond painful. Maybe more painful than infidelity. When will it end? Will it ever end? Will I ever have my kids back and not brainwashed by him?
15 comments posted: Tuesday, July 4th, 2023
Family Violence and Parental Alienation
Sometimes your fears to come to fruition post divorce. One of my fears was losing my kids to alienation. It finally happened and I'm devastated. I don't know how to put myself back together after this. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest but I will be strong for my son.
Yesterday my son got into a minor disagreement and escalated into my xWS putting his hands around my son's neck, trying to strangle him and pushed him back into a chair. I picked my son up, he no longer wants to live at his dads and I don't feel it is safe either after this incident. I reported it to CPS (child protective services) last night. When my daughter arrived she flipped out hearing that I reported to CPS and then tried to attack me. My son came in between me and her and then they started fighting which I then had to break up. My daughter called my ex to pick her up and she just screamed at me "what did you do?" and more nasty language towards me. Said I tore this family apart and she never wants to see me again. Then she left with my ex.
I don't know what to do. Not sure how I repair a relationship with my adult daughter. I'm devastated 
18 comments posted: Tuesday, February 28th, 2023
The only thing that stopped my obsession of the A was leaving
I still cannot believe that is what ended my obsession with the A for good. I thought about it every single day because I was around the perpetrator. Since leaving I have been able to put it in the past. It doesn't hurt me or keep me up at night anymore. No more crazy triggers that bring me back to that place like when I was still with xWS. Knowing what I know now I would never entertain giving a person a second chance. At least I know myself well enough that my mind cannot let things go when I'm still around the person who committed the act. I'm not sure I would have gotten over it even if xWS had been remorseful. I could have saved myself a lot of years of pain and ruminating knowing what I know now about myself. I feel bad the M ended that my xWS hurts from it. Feel bad for my kids who suffered through it and struggle with life post D. I still hurt from shattered dreams of what could have been, but the A doesn't have any hold on me anymore. A's are so damaging more than anything I have ever experienced in my life.
10 comments posted: Thursday, October 20th, 2022
In a Relationship and so Happy
I never thought I would feel this way again. The man I have been dating for the last 8 months asked me to be his full time GF and I couldn't be happier. He is nothing like my ex and is super emotional just like me and I hope that our love just continues to grow stronger. We have taken our time and it has been worth it. We like the same music and enjoy just sitting next to each other for hours on end. He even cooks breakfast for me lol. I am really really happy. I wish this for all of us who have been hurt and betrayed. This hope for love again has renewed me.
There is life after infidelity and it is awesome 
19 comments posted: Saturday, July 9th, 2022
Xws wishing me Happy Anniversay
Um yeah... 
I just don't know how to feel about this. I have my Xws blocked but have email open for child emergencies and I got this email about how he wants to put his family back together, cannot imagine being with another person lol Happy Anniversary!
The day of our wedding anniversary has held no significance since D-Day. I have voiced this to him many times since D-Day and was usually met with frustration and anger from him. Since our Legal Separation has been finalized why would it hold any significance for me now?
I of course am not going to respond.
Even if he was a normal healthy person I'm not sure I would want to work on the M. That ship sailed long ago. There are no feelings, what I do feel for him is trepidation, anxiety, disgust, repulsion, and weird empathy for not wanting to hurt him. I do feel sorry for him but I don't want to be with him EVER.
No matter how many times I have explained this to him it doesn't register.
4 comments posted: Friday, June 17th, 2022
It has been 2 years since I left and he still manages to get under my skin
I must be an idiot... really. I block and I unblock just to block again story of my life post leaving the ex Narc.
The latest I unblocked due to having to discuss this years taxes. Well XWS proceeds to let me have it how now he finally sees that I'm a bitch and he blames me for EVERYTHING. The kid's issues since my leaving are because of me, our financial issues...me, everything me.
What is bad about this unwanted contact is it stays with me for like a week after it happens and I have to find my balance again. I just don't ever want to speak or hear from him again. How do I do this with future events if we both have to attend? This is such bullshit I am forever tied to this a-hole and it makes me crazy!
I have him blocked again until the next time he asks one of our kids for me to unblock him 
what a fucking childish situation this has become.
7 comments posted: Tuesday, May 17th, 2022
Hardest part of divorcing the narc
Has been the smear campaign against me and a complete rewrite of history to the kids. I believe they are being alienated from me in a sinister manipulative way. One in which they cannot see and I can't really do anything to change their mind. I think it was this part that I feared in leaving and D'ing the most. Losing my kids to the manipulation. I really am heartbroken but have almost resigned myself to not care anymore about it because there isn't anything I can do about it. I had to leave for my sanity and I am being smeared that I broke up the family and won't communicate with the ex (we have been NC mostly because he cannot just keep it about the kids & finances). The kids actually feel sorry for him and recently my son said that I am the narcissist. I made a post on social media about narcissism and a few about the ex. I guess there were a couple of mutuals I either did not know I had but they told him and he told the kids about my post that I am "smearing the family name." That is my bad and I don't know why I posted on social media about it more like a cry for help I guess.
The part that is the most excruciating about this is it feels similar to other abuses I have suffered, being molested by my half-brother and my dad's family cutting me off because I spoke out. I was raped in high school and the perpetrator said I was a slut and smearing me to the whole school I had just moved to. When I was physically abused by an ex boyfriend and no one believed me except those who witnessed my bruising. I feel similar in my M that what happened to me didn't really happen and I am being smeared once again.
16 comments posted: Thursday, January 20th, 2022
Dating helping me heal
I never thought I would be here saying this, but I am absolutely LOVING dating. Each person has offered me a glimpse of how different and amazing people are. It also makes me realize just how scum my xWS is. My ex didn't treat me with half of some of the attention I have been getting. There is one person on my radar that I am hoping will be a good match, but I'm having fun. Life is good 
5 comments posted: Thursday, November 4th, 2021
I thought my libido was broken
It's not had my first sexual experience since leaving my ex and it was really GOOD and nice
I'm still not looking for a relationship so I guess you can call it a "hook-up"
It is good to know I am not broken, everything is working just fine.
8 comments posted: Monday, October 4th, 2021
Weird Text from the Ex
The xWS sent a strange text yesterday basically patting himself on the back for not freaking out when I left him and for not just showing up at places I'm at unannounced 
He said he knew I had already been through that treatment before in my past (abusive ex boyfriend before I met xWS).
Then he went on to say that he realized that I gave up 1/2 my time with kids to get away from him and how that is weighing heavily on him
I'm not sure what I feel. I kind of feel creeped out from it. I'm unfortunately still dealing from trauma from an assault I experienced a few months ago during a robbery so him texting me this just sent me over the edge.
I will not respond as this is unnecessary contact from him but am keeping in my records of texts in case I need a restraining order.
12 comments posted: Monday, August 23rd, 2021
WS going to default on legal separation
I can't believe it. How stupid can he be? I know he will blame me for this too. That I forced him to default somehow
10 comments posted: Friday, July 9th, 2021
He got served today
My xWS got served today and of course I get the scathing text that I’m dragging things out. I’m still grieving this M ending and there just seems to be no relief in sight I miss my kids when I don’t have them, struggle financially and live day to day in this surreal situation. Living in infidelity was bad too. I hope really hope I feel better one day.
12 comments posted: Thursday, May 13th, 2021
Depression after D
Anyone else feel depressed about their situation? I guess I'm depressed that this is my life. Now I don't want my other life back either, but it just feels so surreal and not what I expected. It wasn't like I was happily married and we had some wonderful life that I miss. I miss that I never got to experience a great marriage and a good life with a partner. When I see older people who are still holding hands it just baffles me.
I have no desire to date or be in a relationship again. I don't even want to try. Is this just me still recovering from the trauma of what my M was? I try to go out and do things with friends, my kids or just exploring by myself but I will find myself back in this depressing state. I'm depressed my kids are older and about to be on their own which will leave me totally alone (for some reason this thought causes me extreme depression and anxiety).
12 comments posted: Tuesday, May 11th, 2021
I love my new beginning
This is my first post here and I just have to say how much I love my new beginning. It feels like a new beginning for me as I can feel the peace of mind every day. All of the toxicity from my M is washing away. This is my life now and I get to do anything I want without having to get approval or hear any criticism about it.
My animals even seem happier at my new place. No more walking on eggshells or having a dark cloud over my head. It is like heaven and I'm embracing it.
No more thoughts of the A, why he had an A. The AP's are the furthest thing from my mind.
I never thought this would be possible. I thought I was going to be plagued by my Ex's A forever. While I am plagued by the time spent and how I was able to put up with abuse for so long, I no longer obsess about it.
My new beginning was gaining a new life with new hopes and aspirations. I plan to make the most out of the rest of my life and I can look forward to it now.
14 comments posted: Tuesday, November 10th, 2020
