On D-day:BS 46 (me)WH 50
Toasted22M 26 yrs,3 kids (16-24) at discovery. D-Days 2012 23-24 May + TT D-Day 2013 12 Apr
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 mths 2010
mOW#3 PA once
2022 Separated

Do I make a new SI profile?

Last time WH knew I came on here on SI for support. Although we agreed to stay off each other's threads I was certain at times he'd read some.

He is way more internet and tech-savvy than me. Last time it was the other around which is how I found out originally.

After our last conversation several days ago (which went pretty constructively), he went back to his sisters and shared 2 google docs with me. One was a budget we discussed and the other was a private online journal he had kept for the last four years.

It was pretty much exclusively about me. It was vitriolic, bitter, and had a fairly big component of self-pity. It was a very gut-wrenching hurtful read. I had no idea he hated and despised me so much. There were some truths that I need to work on but most was just spite, retelling the story with him as the victim, and portraying himself as being married to a woman no one would want to know. Heck, why he wanted to stay married believing that is unreal.

I emailed to ask him why he would share such a destructive document with me, it seemed so spiteful and designed to really hurt me. His response was

Hi AVW, I didn't realise I had shared that with you. I am so sorry that you read the content there. Please, it was never meant to be read by anyone else.

So he maintained it was an accident, I believed him. But when I explained the situation to my sons, they both scoffed and said you can't accidentally share a google document with someone. I went on my own google drive to see how to do it, and I can't see how you would do it inadvertently either. WH uses google pretty exclusively. He runs a blog, writes books, etc I want to believe WH wouldn't do something so calculatingly cruel. But I have to retain the possibility he did.

If it was deliberate, something must have set him off. It was within 4 hours of our constructive conversation. I guess he may have already been back on google hangouts with mOW (that would make one day of NC ) but the other possibility is he read my post. I wondered if it would be best to delete my profile and ask admin to make me another in a few weeks. What are my options?

6 comments posted: Wednesday, February 2nd, 2022

10 years wasted

I found his burner phone accidentally 2 nights ago. It has been 10 years of what I thought was reconciliation. I stopped looking for a burner phone years ago. I only occasionally looked at his emails if something "felt off". I never found anything. It's the same mOW - he only stopped contact for about 3 months. He says they have not met up in person it has all been online - given she lives less than 30 minutes away he must think I'm stupid, but aside from a bit of pain shopping, it is irrelevant as R was always dependent on NC ever.

It blows my mind that he is prepared to sacrifice so much for so little. She has a cozy life and doesn't want to leave it for him. Our kids can't believe it and are disgusted at him. I know he is peddling a sanitized version as a text from his friend I saw reminded him "he was a good man and it wasn't his fault I misunderstood the situation", but now his family knows about his affairs and he has never wanted them to find out. Sanitized or not it is still grubby! Financially he will struggle so much more as he earns about a third of what I do. We had even been discussing him reducing his hours as he has been struggling with the physicality of his job but he is 5 years off getting his pension.

There is no going back from this. We will be divorcing. I know I am numb and stunned but it doesn't hurt as much as the first time. The first time I thought I would die from the pain of it. This time I am hurting but I already knew he was capable of this. So it is minus the shock and absolute heartwrenching agony of the first time you discover that someone you love and totally trust has betrayed you.

I expect it is going to be a rough time, he is being cooperative at present. He wants me to change my mind! My IC and MC told me years ago he was a narcissist and I was disbelieving and said I didn't think so as I had a mother and brother who were and their behaviour was quite different. She told be me that there was more than one type of narcissist! I must be a slow learner!

It is 2 years in New Zealand for a divorce to become final. It seems so long but I guess it will pass quickly enough.

I always thought I wouldn't mind being on my own, but I think I may be lonelier than I thought. Has anyone found strategies to manage this?

11 comments posted: Monday, January 31st, 2022

Old/closed Gmail accounts

WH had a gmail account he used to use - it was his primary method of keeping in touch with OW when he wasn't able to meet with her. Post d-day he closed it. I recently found another gmail account - when I sent a test email to it - it bounced back with "Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently"

This email address may have pre-dated OW#1 which makes me wonder if there was an earlier affair. This would be a deal breaker for me.

If gmail accounts are closed can they be re-opened with old messages still there or are they gone for good?

2 comments posted: Tuesday, April 28th, 2015