Try this again. Back and not happy with it.

I have removed the stop sign. I added it in my first post not really understanding what it meant. I do now.

I appreciate the messages.

I had therapy today and it was a quiet session. I have seen my therapist before during the previous "acting outs" and she questioned why I stopped coming in the past. I was arrogant, thinking I had everything under control. She laid it on the line for me. I've lost my wife and my house and kids. And I will lose my job if I don't do something about it. Truly do something. Imagine that.

The irony is not lost on me that the catalyst for true change may have to first be losing everything. Imagine thinking I still have a chance if I finally do the work. How many times in the past have I been in this situation? Too many. How much therapy in the past was self-serving? As if to accomplish the goal of everything being ok again for a certain amount of time then diving right back into it.

My therapist says I have an addiction. How pathetic. I pride myself on my ability to quit smoking in an instant. Not a big drinker, never into drugs. I told myself clearly I had good control. What a crock. None of this behaviour is excusable. But nor is it rational. My wife says I am selfish, sociopath, narcissist, you name it. I agree. I just cannot understand what I was thinking.

So now I have to decide to continue therapy or not for myself. In the past it was for myself, but also to please my wife who demanded, to show her I was honestly taking it seriously. It was not black and white. I did want to be a better person. I did want us to be close. I did not want her to experience pain and mindfuckery. But I either didn't want it that much or I wasn't strong enough. (See selfish)

I am not at all looking for there theres. Disgusts me. I deserve this all. I am terrified, sad broken and have no idea what to do all at once. I have to move out by the end of August. I get that time to spend with my 3 beautiful boys and in that time I have to find a place and be gone. It's like a countdown. All I want to do is work around the house, do the tasks I laid out weeks ago that could not happen until the summer (I am a teacher). But I have to put effort into leaving which is what my wife wants. I am not fighting with her, I agree with all of what she says. I will not turn on her. I refuse to be an absent father from my kids like mine was to me. I made that promise years ago.

Imagine accepting that the best thing for someone you love is to go away from them. How fucked is that.

11 comments posted: Tuesday, July 18th, 2023

Back and not happy about it

So it’s been years since I posted here, but I am back and not happy about it.

I am guilty of repeated infidelity. The most recent one has resulted in the beginning of a separation. I never took the things I had to do serious enough clearly,. And now all the most important things in my life are slipping away. My kids and my best friend.

Now as self-serving as that may sound, it is nothing compared to knowing the trauma I put my wife/best friend through. The emotional and physiological abuse. It was never fair.

They talk about the bubble one is in when they are off in their self-serving world. No excuse. But I just cannot believe yet again how stupid and such an idiot I was. To risk everything for something so surface and without substance.

Off to therapy again tomorrow. Lot of good it did me the last time. I have to commit to lifelong therapy. As my wife says, I am a sociopath.

I am not looking for the "poor yous" here. But I think it would be healthy to connect with others, dialogue the process openly.

I have lost it all be my wife isn’t looking back.

4 comments posted: Monday, July 17th, 2023