ME: BH, 36Her: WW, 35DD: 11Married 6 Years.DDay: Early May, 2013 Divorced

7 years on, is it okay to be okay with ExWW?

7 years out, and things are... mostly okay with XWW.

And I find myself having mixed feelings about that.

7 years out and the pain of the affair and the divorce has faded into the recesses of my memory. I still know exactly how it felt. I could describe the pain and the trauma to you in great detail, and I know that there are things that could trigger it again, but I can't call up the feeling anymore. What's more, is that the anger that I felt over her treatment of me at that time and in the first several years following it has largely faded as well. It's spent. I don't feel it anymore. I think this is what they call "meh."

With XWW herself, our coparenting relationship seems to be in a good and stable place right now. Something changed in the last couple of years. Some of the things we used to fight about, she seems to have come around to my way of thinking on, though I'd be hard-pressed to tell you exactly why. She seems more flexible and accommodating, and generally more respectful of my role in our daughter's life. She seems to treat me more as an equal, at least for the moment. Emotionally, her attitude toward me could maybe even be called warm.

And in response to all of this, my approach to her has thawed somewhat as well. I don't seek her out, but I don't keep her at arm's length as much during the times when we have to be together because of DD. It feels, at least at the moment, like the hatchet is buried, and a certain amount of personability seems to be good medicine for our coparenting.

I haven't forgiven her for anything that she's done, and I don't trust her. I know that this period of peace could come undone the second that there's something that she wants that she sees me as an obstacle to (and I know pretty well what the thing is that could disturb the peace). I know that she's still completely capable of repeating all of the terrible things she's said and done in the past. Maybe something has substantially changed in her heart, but I'm not counting on it.

But despite the fact that I haven't forgiven her, I've come to the realization that nothing she did really matters. No one else treats her any differently as a result of her actions. She doesn't feel any guilt. Privately punishing her in my own heart doesn't do anyone any good. She might deserve it, but that's beside the point. It's like the old adage about drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. So, for now, I've decided that she's mostly okay in my book. It just seems like the easiest and most peaceful way to live right now.

But feeling this way comes with its own internal conflict, it's own dissonance. Feeling this way feels on some level, like granting her absolution, even though I know I'm not doing that. It feels like accepting the narrative that I see repeated so much that infidelity is just something that happens, and it's painful and it hurts, but ultimately it's no more serious than a rough breakup and you'll get over it. We all know here that it's so much worse, and being chummy with someone who was abusive and bullying to me for so long seems like a betrayal of justice. I'm mostly okay with her, and I don't know if I'm okay with being okay with her.

I guess in the end, I don't see my own private sense of justice doing anyone any particular good right now, and this just seems like the path of least resistance. I know things could get bad again, but keeping a cold distance isn't going to make that any more or less likely to happen.

I don't want anyone who reads this to think that this is a thesis against setting necessary boundaries with your ex. That was my main project for the first few years after our divorce, and one which XWW constantly pushed back on. I think I did okay-but-not-perfectly with setting those boundaries. But over time, I think there was a kind of equilibrium reached, where she knew the kinds of things that she could push me on and the kinds of things she couldn't, and we both knew more or less what we expected of each other, which I think maybe, just maybe, is what created room for whatever the heck we're experiencing now. I think everyone's equilibrium is going to be different.

I don't know how to conclude this. I thought this might be the best place to share my thoughts, and I welcome any input on all of this.

18 comments posted: Monday, November 23rd, 2020