No Empathy?
So many of us seem to struggle with the lack of empathy from our partners. For over 10 years I have been working with my WH and trying to get him to own his shit and give me some understanding and empathy.
He's incapable.
He has started working with a new counselor. I think he is taking it seriously, but who really knows, right?
He believes there is "something wrong" with him. And he says he is unable of empathy for anybody or anyone or anything.
I don't even know what that means...
9 comments posted: Tuesday, July 9th, 2024
Mod Please
If you have a moment, I have a request. Thanks!
1 comment posted: Monday, May 6th, 2024
Question about "Affairing Down"
I have seen the phrase about how wayward spouses always "affair down."
I have understood this to mean that the betrayed spouse is a better person than the affair partner. Is that what people mean by that phrase? Is that because the AP chooses to engage in affairing activities?
What does Affairing down mean to you?
60 comments posted: Monday, May 6th, 2024
Email Lookup?
Is anyone able to look up an email address for me? I thought I'd check before signing up for a service.
Thanks
2 comments posted: Monday, April 1st, 2024
Imbalance Rant
This is my rant. I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know what I need. WH and I barely can have a conversation about myself or my feelings long enough for me to work on anything. WH gives me so little feedback that nothing seems to ever get resolved or even completely discussed. His A was online. She was an online pornographer. The currency of their A was pictures/videos/sexting.
One of my big struggles is how much more WH displayed for the AP. My god, he could/would wax poetic about anything endlessly. IF she sent a picture, he could tell her exactly why and what he loved about that picture and offer ideas on what would look "amazing" for another one. Those pictures were all saved in a special folder he kept, named for her. He could talk on and on about how she made him feel and how much he loved her. All of it, to me, is he could [insert verb] forever with her and I feel like I never saw any of that toward me.
It's effort. God, he put so much effort into his A -- into keeping his AP -- into building her ego (so many times at my expense). I want reciprocity and it's impossible.
He was a cake eater. He can't make cake with me.
I want to feel the same level of effort, but I also know that it's impossible.
This eats at me:
He told her how amazing she was for taking/sharing her pictures and treasured each one while he also told her that he had thousands of pictures of me that he never bothered to look at.
It just feels like everything for her was so much more and I wish it had been for me.
I know life isn't fair, but it shouldn't be this. That's for damn sure.
14 comments posted: Monday, March 11th, 2024
More Old Lies
It's almost the 10th anniversary of D-day. We had a new D-day of sorts in November when I found him on Reddit once again trying to talk to amateur pornographers. I went back to the well today and was searching his old activities. I found evidence that he'd had other inappropriate contact with women before his A. I've specifically asked him about this many times and he has sworn up and down there was nothing else. But there was. What else is there? I don't know, I can't know. And I can't trust him to tell me the truth.
Why can't he just be a decent person?
Do I confront? Do I just give up? I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm sick -- got a positive covid diagnosis. That also plays into my mindset. I was so sick back in 2014 when D-day happened. The parallels just kill me. Some positive some negative.
March 7, 2014: going through a horrible work project, got sick as a dog, WH didn't care. I was home sick on the Friday before D-day, texted WH that I was going to the drug store and he never bothered to check in on me. Later I found out he was texting AP the whole time and then got himself a milkshake on the way home.
March 7, 2024: going through a horrible work project, got sick as a dog, WH DOES care. On his own, he stopped after his PT appointment and brought me medicine and a chocolate treat.
I can see differences in him. I just need the truth.
6 comments posted: Thursday, March 7th, 2024
Mod Please
I would like to speak with a mod if they have time. Thanks. :)
2 comments posted: Friday, February 23rd, 2024
Trying to deal with my Shame
I've been reading a lot of posts lately and I wanted to touch on something that several have come adjacent to, but I didn't want to thread-jack.
I am ashamed that I am in my marriage. I don't post pictures of me and WH anywhere, I would be horrified if someone who "knew the truth" saw it. Others have spoken about rubbing the OW's nose in their relationship. That would be the last thing I would ever want to do. I picture her seeing us and saying, "fraud".
And that's how I feel. A fraud. That we aren't a real marriage anymore. Our covenant is broken. We are two people together, but not able to live as one.
As a card-carrying member of GenX, one of the worst insults that could be levied back in the day was "poser" yet I realize that's how I feel.
Am I alone? Do others feel this way? How (Can?) you move through this?
22 comments posted: Wednesday, February 21st, 2024
A New D-Day
What a liar.
He was trolling women on reddit.
I'm just tired.
7 comments posted: Wednesday, November 8th, 2023
Therapy for Sexual Issues?
I have started and deleted this 3 times so far.
I'm curious if anyone has attended therapy specifically for rebuilding the sexual aspect of your relationship.
I've struggled to regain a healthy sex life following the A and the aftermath. I'm curious if this is something that others have worked through and if counseling was a good option.
I've struggled finding counselors in the past, but I'm currently feeling crippled by my issues. I'm struggling more today with it than I have in a long time. Down to the point where I even found myself hiding in the bathroom earlier and had to make myself come out.
8 comments posted: Monday, November 6th, 2023
Whoops I Did It Again
Dang. He fooled me once again.
A few weeks ago, I asked WH a question about his A. It was an opportunity for him to tell me about something we hadn’t discussed. It was a question I already knew the answer to and wanted to give him a chance to show me he wanted to be honest and forthcoming with information.
He "failed to remember" the correct answer to my question, but that was fine. Does he remember? Who knows. It wasn’t a make-or-break detail, ultimately, the fact that he didn’t remember didn’t really bother me. He has indicated that he’d like these opportunities to show truthfulness, so it wasn’t a trap and I didn’t get angry with him when he didn’t remember.
A week later, he screwed up on Facebook. (Backstory: When he was in his A, he made his entire Facebook page public (yes, OMG!!!). In the early days Post-A, I was very adamant that posting publicly was unsafe and not something he should do. With my personal past and then the A, posting publicly makes me feel very unsafe. In 2019, he made a public post on his page for a charity. I told him at that time, another public post and I would not be able to be affiliated with him on Facebook.) I discovered another public post on his Facebook page the day before, and I unfriended him.
When I told him about this, first he got mad. When he realized that I was serious, he then melted down. He started crying and couldn’t stop. He told me he was depressed about his mother, depressed about his job, and oh yeah, things with us kinda bothered him, too. I won’t lie, I didn’t appreciate being listed LAST and got snarky. He told me he was suicidal. As soon as he said that I dialed the hotline.
The people with the suicide hotline were very kind and very responsive. I gave him privacy and went upstairs, letting him know if he needed me to call out, but letting him know I wanted him to have privacy to talk with these people. After 20 minutes or so, he came upstairs to tell me someone was coming out to the house, and he asked me to wait with him.
Anyhow, a lovely lady came out to the house and spoke with him for a couple of hours. They set an intake appointment for him for the following week. That whole weekend, he was wonderful. He was understanding, he wanted to do better, he understood how he’s failed me in the past, he understood how he hadn’t done very much towards what I needed to R, he wanted to make a difference. I caved and sent him a thread from SI that I thought he might find helpful. He spent a day or two reading it and told me he needed to process it and was going to re-read it.
Well, I’m a fool. Of course, his drive faded after the weekend. He went to his intake appointment but canceled any follow-up appointments. He never read anything else, never discussed anything else, it’s all back to head in the sand again.
The only thing this showed me is that I’m still too damn eager to believe.
Not sure what I'm looking for with this post, I just needed to share.
7 comments posted: Tuesday, September 26th, 2023
Anyone been to the Kentucky Derby?
I have always wanted to go to the Kentucky Derby. If you've been or if you have any advice/guidance on how to get tickets, I would love to hear from you. I've been looking online and keep finding packages with prices around 2k per ticket. I want to know what to expect so I don't get in over my head unnecessarily. :)
1 comment posted: Monday, February 6th, 2023
Cracked Diamond
I love the combined wisdom here. I'm hoping someone has some experience.
My great-grandmother had a diamond ring. This is an old mine-cut diamond. My grandmother got it in the late 1950s, and when she passed in 1998, it was given to my dad. My stepmom wore it for many years and recently it was given to me. In the back of my mind, I always wanted this ring, but never actually thought I'd get it. Unfortunately, the ring is too small for me. When I took it to a jewelry store, it was appraised and the diamond has a large crack in it. Because of the crack, the jewelry store wouldn't size it and recommended against having it sized or even wearing it at all because the diamond could break.
This is so disappointing. Does anyone know if it's worth finding other jewelers and having them check the ring/work on it, or should I just stick the ring away in my jewelry box and disappoint one of my nieces someday by passing on this unwearable ring?
[This message edited by SadieMae at 4:55 PM, December 19th, 2022 (Monday)]
4 comments posted: Monday, December 19th, 2022
Email Address Lookup?
Can someone look up an email address for me?
1 comment posted: Monday, October 19th, 2020
How to send an Anonymous email?
Any tips or ideas on how to send an anonymous email? I don't want it to be trackable to me or my location.
5 comments posted: Friday, August 11th, 2017
Help finding an email
Can anyone offer help finding an email address?
I know the person's Facebook page, I know where they work, if that helps.
Thanks
0 comment posted: Thursday, January 21st, 2016
Who Moved My Cheese
I was wondering if anyone else has read this book. If so, how did you apply the lesson to R? I can certainly see how it could apply to S/D.
If you haven't read it, it's a quick read about being open to changes in life.
8 comments posted: Tuesday, January 19th, 2016
Hidden Apps
Is there a way to get an android phone (or an iPhone, WH has both) to show any hidden apps that are installed?
6 comments posted: Wednesday, June 24th, 2015
