BW Me (40ish)- now closer to 50
WH Him (40ish)- now closer to 50
Kids ages 10-20- now 18-28
Married 20 years- no2 28 years
OW 27- passed away 2/4/15 from cervical cancer
DDay 4/3/14- 6 month EA - Yes, I know he could be lying and

Back again after 8 years....husband has a secret best friend.

8 years ago my husband had an EA. They were "in love". He didn't plan to leave me, but thoroughly enjoyed being in love with someone else. As far as I know it was never physical, but I know he could have lied- I didn't track him and he had a lot of independence. His AP was significantly younger, an alcoholic, and just a mess. Right after I found out about the EA she developed cancer and died pretty quickly so I knew she was out of his life. He did all the things- ceased contact, worked on himself, our marriage improved, etc.

Some interesting things have happened since then. My husband decided he was an alcoholic and completely stopped drinking. He was correct. He finally has his dream job and a successful career- only took 20 years of working to get him there. We are new empty nesters- our youngest is a freshman in college. The past 10 years have been filled with launching children and helping to care for other family members who had aged or were ill and building careers. I had been a SAHM and now work full time too in a busy career that I love.

Over the past year or so my husband has proclaimed several things out of the blue. He decided he has autism. He went from one political party to the other. He became an atheist. It seemed so weird that he would decide these things and I was a bit hurt/confused that he made these decisions without processing with me. Instead these were proclamations. I've talked to my adult kids about this and they all say he lives in his head a lot- I agree. He doesn't have a lot of friends, works independently so doesn't see coworkers often, and spends a lot of time at home. He often states that he doesn't really like people- they disappoint him.

We are new empty nesters and I thought have been spending the past couple of months figuring out this next stage. The normal couple things- shopping trips to Costco, dates to the theater, dinner out, attending sporting events, visiting our kids, watching movies on the couch, etc. My husband works from home half time and goes into the office half time. I work full time. I thought things were going OK. I felt like we needed to keep working on connecting after years of being busy with family and kids, but I also felt like we were doing that and were content.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had to go into my husband's work bag for something and found a condom. We don't use them so no reason to have them. I also found a vape pen and cigarettes. I immediately went onto his computer to see if there was anything on there- during his last EA I discovered Facebook messaging and a pinterest page that outed the affair. This time it was Twitter messaging. I only went back 2 months because there were so many messages. This time was a little different. It was a LOT of political discussion and sending articles to back their political beliefs many times a day. I could put up with the political messaging, but found in between messages things like- I'll leave here by 4:00, a couple of I Love You's and a few I miss yous. There was also lots of discussion of day to day stuff- things he would also report to me. And of our kids using nicknames that typically he only used when he was talking to me or family. And some discussion of smoking and being high. I looked back about 2 months worth of conversations and then decided I needed to confront him.

I woke him up and told him he had one chance to tell me what was going on with him. He looked startled and said he had no clue what I was talking about. He admitted to vaping. I went on to tell him what I had seen and he said that yes, he had visited her a few times in the past year and that they discuss politics and smoke. She is his former assistant at a job he left 5 years ago- the same job where he had the other EA. I knew he had seen his former co-workers a couple of times a year at meetings. I always had an uneasy feeling about this person for some reason, but no real reason to as I didn't know she was so present him my husband's life. The things that had concerned me in the past is once she was struggling with alcoholism and my husband said he needed to and take her to the hospital so she could be admitted. I told him at that time that it wasn't his job and he needed to call her family to have them come and help her. We talked then about boundaries with coworkers. Her name really didn't come up often, but recently his former office was moving and there was some furniture he wanted. She was coordinating the move and he rented a truck to help her. I told him this was all crazy and a waste of his time as he didn't work there anymore and we didn't need the furniture, but he wanted it. He had our adult son with him so he didn't go alone.

After a bunch of discussion yesterday he has admitted that he was messaging this person on a daily basis, but that they are just friends. He enjoys talking to her because she shares his political beliefs and has the same sense of humor. (the last woman had the same sense of humor too according to him). He said he is not interested romantically in her- that she is just his best friend. There was also a message that referred to getting high so I asked about that and he admitted to smoking with her a couple of times. It also came out that she had given him edibles that he consumed while home with our family over Thanksgiving. He has said he has only visited her a few times this year. But messages as recently as 3 days ago said I miss you and I'll leave here by 4. He claims he never made it to her house. I have no idea.

So now I guess I know who he has been processing all of his new beliefs with. The thing is I would completely believe that this has been another EA, but there was a condom. He says he doesn't know why he has a condom him his backpack. He has no clue where it came from. I also found a message to another female coworker that thanked her for being such a great friend. So who knows. My husband just keeps saying that he is broken and he doesn't know what is wrong with him. He has said he is done talking to anyone outside of our family. He also said he would do anything I want. He would move in with his parents and give me everything. He would stay and only talk with family.

The things I see recurring is he definitely gets something from working with people who are needy and in worse shape mentally than he is. Says these people "need his help". Yesterday I pointed out that he may feel like he is helping these people but I get destroyed in the process so who is helping me? I believe that he loves me. I also think I intimidate him. I don't mean to, but I have my life pretty under control- I don't have the "flaws" he has- I don't drink, I don't have autism, I have a successful job, I'm a good mom, I'm not sneaky, etc. I don't taunt him with this, but I live this and I think he deviates to women who are a mess to make him feel good about himself.

Not sure where to go from here. I want my family. I guess lots of therapy?

25 comments posted: Monday, December 12th, 2022