How to handle medical situation with Ex and adult DS
Hi D/S peeps!
I know the answer to this, but could use a little validation since a long dormant itch from a cut off limb is happening: My DS who's 27 years old, has been diagnosed with a medical condition that will require surgery and it's not life threatening, but it's not going to be fun. The surgery itself will be a general anesthesia and will require two weeks off of work to recover. I'm either going to go to the city where he lives and help out in the aftermath or he's going to get the surgery nearer me and come back to my home to be looked after.
My DS has a terrible relationship with his dad/my ex. They didn't speak for almost two years but reconnected recently. The cause of the fallout was my Ex's typically abusive and bad behavior and insulting my DS's girlfriend and my son just had enough. Fair. I wholly support whatever feels best for him.
Anyway, my son's medical condition isn't life threatening but is super unpleasant and needs to be done. When I was discussing it with him yesterday I wanted to hang up the phone and call my Ex which I KNOW is a terrible idea but it just feels like he's the only one that may feel what I feel. My son is still *our* son. Gah. It's been hard to fight the impulse to reach out. I honestly don't know if our son will inform him and I know he's an adult and can choose for himself but it just feels "coparental" in a way that I haven't had for some time. My ex and I aren't on bad terms per se, we're just mostly on "no terms" which is, I think, preferable. Luckily we haven't needed to be together for kid events (graduation, birthdays etc) because he lives on a different continent. There's no way our son would want his father involved in this but the need to share the anxiety with my Ex is real. Even though I'm VERY happily remarried, my husband is not my children's father and it feels different talking about this with him. At some point there will be weddings, but we're not there yet. The impulse to reach out keeps coming back. Talk me out of it!! Thank you in advance!!
BHUK
7 comments posted: Wednesday, September 25th, 2024
10 Years Ago Today
Ten years ago today, I picked up my husband's phone and saw a bunch of texts that revealed my H's A. The one that caught my eye was "I miss my arms around your sweaty neck." 
My life as I knew it, blew up in front of me and that night was truly terrifying. The shock lasted for weeks. My now Ex said he wanted to R, reluctantly agreed to MC, refused IC, and temporarily moved out after DDay. The kids became aware of his infidelity more or less at the same time I did. My middle DD had picked up his phone and saw what I saw about 20 minutes before. Again,
I started to see my therapist three days after DDay. I still see her. My life since that moment has changed in almost every way. Despite my Ex saying that he wanted to repair the marriage, he continued contact with the OW, continued to lie to me and when I discovered that thirteen months after DDay, I was done. And despite the grief of getting divorced, it was the most empowering event of my life.
I left the UK with my then teenage kids who had never lived anywhere else before, moved back to the USA and closer to family and old friends, and rebooted my life from the ground up. I re-entered the workforce after 22 years of living abroad and eventually completed a Masters to credential for more interesting work. I love my job. My kids are thriving, and I've been a much better parent in the aftermath of the D than I was when I was constantly working around their father. The kids have a poor relationship with their dad, which has nothing to do with the distance. He continues to spiral and is engulfed in a decade long pity party of his own creation. He has no empathy for them, just as he had no empathy for me. It's much clearer with the time and distance who he really is than it was ten years ago.
And I've remarried to a wonderful man. I never thought I would, but I'm here to say, never say never. 
We married in November 2023 and have lived together for a couple of years. My kids adore him and he has stepped into his role as a stepfather with an incredible amount of love and grace and humor. And my kids are thriving. We are a tight unit having lived through so much together including a great deal of their father's continued terrible decisions. They are incredible humans-smart, funny, resilient, and empathic. I'm so proud of them. And they have welcomed my new spouse with open arms. I've been truly amazed by that.
When I read members posts when they are in the early days reeling from this insanity they find themselves in, my heart goes out. It's so horrible in the beginning-the confusion, the pain, the humiliation, the anxiety, the shock... gah. And I get feeling stuck in a no win situation-it's terrifying to think about breaking up your family and it soul destroying to stay with an unfaithful spouse. I totally felt that. But... it can also be the catalyst to take stock and dig deep and really figure your shit out. And all of that takes time, intention, work through therapy (this is really a love letter to my therapist btw) and vulnerability. It's so hard, but so worth the investment in yourself. Seeing what part of my own life I had outsourced to a shitty husband and taking control of that back for myself was liberating. I'm so much happier in every possible way since the day before DDay. I wish it didn't take such a radical shock, a truly traumatic wake up call, to get me here, but I'm glad that it did.
For newbies reading this: it gets better. You will need to do some hard work on yourself, and that will suck. And but taking control of your own life and ensuring that you are at the top of your list is the only way to get there. Whether you R or D, you need to figure out your own shit. What being in a healthy marriage looks like to you and what you want from that and then enforcing those boundaries one way or the other is hard, but necessary. I highly recommend that you avail yourself to individual therapy to localise the pain and have a place to process this experience and with time, build on that to get you moving forward again. It's been a truly profound experience that I'm incredibly grateful for.
And I'm grateful to the rabble at SI. I peruse the forums and try and offer some perspective from time to time but there are some amazing people here with the perspective of experience and time who are able to weigh in on people's darkest moments. It's so hard in the beginning and so overwhelming to have a bunch of strangers give advice, but I can tell you from experience, a great deal of that is spot on.
7 comments posted: Thursday, January 4th, 2024
G2G New York City this December?
There was a thread about this ages ago but now I can't find it! Is there a NYCG2G this summer? I'll be in the Big Apple in July and again in August if there is.
Can someone let me know?
32 comments posted: Monday, June 8th, 2015
Another Dr. Fone casualty
Dr. Fone works! I un-deleted a bunch of texts off my H's phone that indicated that he was in contact over the past year with his AP. If you are at all suspicious I suggest you download a free trial.
Money I can now spend towards my divorce! 
16 comments posted: Thursday, February 19th, 2015
Can a PI do this?
I've never hired a PI before during all of this but I'm haunted as to whether or not the OBS really knows that his wife had an affair. After d-day, my fWH issued NC and the OW broke that twice to text him that her husband had found out and all was hell. I tried to email the OBS but have never had a response. They are 3-4 hours away and off my grid and though I have mutual acquaintances with this couple, I would have to explain to them why I want to know. Can a private investigator find out that kind of information? Any advice?
3 comments posted: Sunday, November 2nd, 2014
