10 Years Later - all that I've learned

Hello. I made a post here 10 years ago about my marriage that I thought was over. I actually wish I knew how to find that post but it doesn't look like there is a way to go back that far. This will be a long post explaining my wife's affair and where we are now.

Here's a recap of my story:

We got married in our mid 20s. About 7 years later, we were struggling financially and I was focused solely on getting us back on track. In fairness, my wife kept telling me that I was not present for her and asked me how we could re-engage as a couple. When you are in dire financial trouble though, your mind focuses solely on that (we also had a young kid at the time). So I was definitely not the best husband during this time. Of course, my wife found an outlet for her emotional needs with a guy at her job that told her everything she wanted to hear and just showered her with compliments all day.

So they started an emotional affair which lasted 10 months. It was also physical (kissing, etc.) but never sexual (to the best of my knowledge, confirmed through their texts and her AP, whom I confronted). Our sex life also never dropped off during this period. The guy was also a self-admitted loser that couldn't believe my wife was interested in him. He was probably a 2/10 on the looks scale. She just loved to have so much power over him and that he worshipped her.

She never really tried to hide the affair from me, she was done with the marriage and I was at my lowest point. She basically told me everything they were doing and told me she would have had sex with him, but he didn't want to, so there was no reason not to believe her when she wasn't really hiding anything.

She was heavily drinking and just doing whatever she wanted. I was failing as a provider and a husband. I lost about 30 pounds during this period (not good weight loss, it was to the point I looked sickly thin). Of course I thought the best thing to do would be the pick me dance. During this time, I also found out from her that she had a one night stand before we got married. At the time, this barely registered with me since she was in a full fledged EA, so it took a lower priority (but would come to haunt me later).

I did this for about 9 months until finally I couldn't take it any more and told her that I had consulted with a divorce lawyer. She seemed fine with this at first, but at some point she changed her mind and said she wanted to be with me. I'm really not sure what turned her around because I wasn't providing much to her at the time, but I was slowly starting to turn things around at work and was getting back into shape (I used to be in very good shape and was slowly getting that back).

So after fighting for so long and then her being willing to come back, I thought I was getting everything I wanted. Somehow I felt I had won but I didn't stop to consider whether this was what I really wanted.

It took awhile for her to fully come back and I started to really improve things. We both kind of swept everything under the rug but never really addressed how and why this all happened.

Where we are now:

So fast forward 10 years! My life has turned around a lot. I now make 10X the money I did back then. I have gotten into great shape. We live a very good life. My wife has been a picture perfect wife. She has actively stayed away from potential situations that would be harmful to our relationship. She has stopped drinking almost completely (and never drinks without me). She now worships the ground I walk on and tells me this every day. We have no secrets (I hope) and are completely open with phones, etc.

In the last year though, I have really started to have some doubts about whether I made the right decision. Yes, everything worked out, and I now have a wife that I'm sure has a much lower chance to cheat than whomever I might have replaced her with if I had left her and gotten remarried. But I also feel like I have this permanent scar on my life, like I failed and now have a wife that is a constant reminder of that failure that will always be there. I mentally have swept everything under the rug for 10 years now thinking that it would go away and that time would heal this. To some degree, the time has healed my trust for her, but time can never heal or erase the failure of our relationship.

I should probably clarify that the scar I feel isn't from her EA 10 years ago, it's mostly from her one night stand that is now nearly 20 years ago! I knew the guy and he's about the most disgusting man you can imagine. If you saw him in a line up, you'd immediately think he's a fat slob that's been in and out of prison for beating women, and that wouldn't be far from the truth. We weren't married when she was with him but we had been dating a long time. The fact that she risked her future with me for a night with this POS is something that my mind simply can't reconcile.

I had somehow shut this out of my mind for a few years after her EA because I was happy to have my wife back, but the better things got, the more the PA (the one night stand) ate at me. To be honest, now that we are at our apparent happiest, my mind is consumed by her PA. It's not just something that I can't get out of my mind, I mean that my mind is consumed by it at ALL times, every minute of every day.

During the last few years, I have had multiple loved ones die (including my parents), and while the pain of losing them was hard, it is not even a fraction of the pain I felt (and still feel) over my wife's betrayal(s). This again has put doubts in my mind about whether I made the right decision. I have always considered myself to have very strong mental fortitude, but getting through my daily life is a constant struggle. I haven't really written about this or talked to anyone about it for 10 years (except for a brief therapy stint that didn't help), so I thought maybe writing it out would give some relief.

I was going to add a section about what I've learned, but I'm not sure it would be appropriate at this point. Yes, I still have a marriage but I'm not sure it is what most BS would want to have 10 years after D-day. From almost all perspectives, I do have a good life, so please don't get me wrong, I am thankful for where I'm at compared to where I've been. But I still question if I made the right decision to stay, what my life might have looked like. Could I have gotten rid of the scar by leaving my wife and starting over with a clean slate? Maybe, but I'll never know for sure. I do want to emphasize that the pain never goes away, never! Don't fool yourself into thinking that it might with time.

I just wrote this stream of conscious, so feel free to ask any questions because obviously there are a ton of details in a near 20 year saga that I left out. I'm happy to hear any advice people might have too. Thanks for reading.

14 comments posted: Tuesday, January 2nd, 2024