Sibling rivalry and anger towards Mom
Hi everyone,
I’m looking for parenting advice.
My kids have barely spoken to their mom for months now. She allowed all sorts of calamity and pain into their lives, so they’ve distanced themselves. They are 16, 14, and 13, with my girls being the two youngest ages.
My girls fight like cats and dogs. They‘re snarky with one another, overtly aggravating, and just plain short tempered. With others, they are the nicest kids!
They’ve always had typical moments, but they seem to be taking their frustration with their mom out on each other. They’re both in counseling already.
I listen when the want to talk, and provide help when I see it is necessary or when they ask for it. Otherwise, I let them work it out.
Any tips on dealing with anger/sibling rivalry/ middle child thinks the youngest is the favorite / teens being mad at the world?
I know. I’m not asking for much. 
0 comment posted: Wednesday, April 20th, 2022
What to tell the kids
When we separated last year, we told the kids it was because we didn’t love each other the same way. We told them we’d still be friends and do stuff together as a family. Then, their mom went insane and started hanging with a whole bunch of unsavory characters. The lies and deceit and pain she caused me and them is too much, so I don’t get to keep those promises of family dinners and holidays that much.
The issue is that my kids (my 13 year old daughter, mostly, but the 15 year old and the 12 year old sometimes as well) absolutely hate that they can’t see their mom that much (even though she’s with them almost every weekend). They’ve expressed a desire to live with her (because, hey, who wants rules and responsibilities like at Dad’s house, right?) and they accuse me of not trying.
I told her to tell them the truth because I refuse to be blamed for her actions. She said she would, but I know she won’t. I don’t want to break their hearts again, though I think they know a little about it all. My kids can smell subterfuge from a mile away because I’ve always been so up front.
I will take the brunt of the angst if it is better for them in the long run, even though they sometimes think I’m the bad guy who won’t let them live with Mommy. Or should I just be honest and say that their mom blew up our marriage and then spent the months before and after our divorce making ridiculous, harmful decisions? I know they’re mad at both of us and they only feel safe with expressing that with me, but I don’t want them thinking I’m the bad guy. I bite my tongue constantly to keep from saying negative things about their mother, but sometimes the truth is something negative.
2 comments posted: Sunday, May 16th, 2021
Profound loneliness
Hi all,
I barely post anymore, though I do check in to lurk periodically and to offer words when I feel they might help. I need some encouragement tonight.
Dday was 5 years ago. Separation began in March of this year; divorce was final in August.
I have been on a journey of self discovery and self improvement and self love and healing for the past six months or so. Therapy, meditation, better eating and exercise: the whole shebang.
Mentally and physically, I’m better than I’ve been in years. I’m happy with myself. I know my strengths and I work on my weaknesses. For the first time in a long time (maybe ever?) I love me and I enjoy my own company.
I love the financial freedom. I love having all of my free time to myself. Or, well, the parts not taken up by my three kids. I’m killing the single dad life, I think.
And yet lately, especially when I have the house all to myself or when I snuggle down in bed, I feel a profound sadness. I’ve mourned the marriage for the most part. I embrace the emotions as they come, good or bad. I take the Buddhist approach in welcoming them, thanking them for their lesson, and then letting them go.
But my god, I would love to have someone to come home to. I can stand on my own. I like my own company. I’m not rushing into anything if someone does come along. I just miss having a hand to hold and someone to share intimacy of all kinds with. I have an amazing family and group of friends and as active a social life as can be had with a plague afoot, but it’s not the same as having a partner in life. I’m working through it, but it hit all of a sudden without warning or a trigger. Being a husband and dad were numbers 1 and 2 on my bucket list.
What helped you push through?
15 comments posted: Sunday, December 6th, 2020
Parenting advice
Our divorce was finalized in August, and I feel absolutely amazing!
My kids? Not so much . Their Mom has moved into an apartment with the meth addict she SWORE to them she was dumping. When she came to pick up a bed the other day, she brought another addict/convict with her to get it—his mugshot has been on Facebook so much that I recognized him and knew his name before he opened his mouth.
The boyfriend is in our paperwork as a person the kids cannot be around, yet the last time she took the kids for the night she left them with him all day long while she went to work. Now, I only let her have supervised visits since she violated the terms within a week of signing the papers. The kids (14, 13, and 11) know that they’re not allowed around drug users and convicts, so they want to know why Mama is choosing him over them. My youngest just left my room after crying about it.
I tell them that, no matter what, safety comes first, and that we must do the right thing no matter what anyone else does. I tell them to call their mom or write her a note to express the feelings they express to me. I assure them of how much they’re loved and how important it is to speak one‘s truth. I do not disparage their Mom, but I don’t defend her in any way either. Their relationship has nothing to do with me, except that I have to protect my kids from her asinine actions.
What can I say to help them? Or is this just par for the course of divorce? I promised them that they’d be able to see Mama whenever they wanted and her schedule allowed—that was our plan— but that was before she moved in with meth mouth and his band of rowdy friends.
6 comments posted: Monday, September 28th, 2020
