Update: It’s been over a year!
It’s been more than a year since I visited this forum. A lot has happened since then. I post now in hopes that others might avoid what I am now living with.
So, here goes:
This post is an endorsement of finding and treating with a good individual counselor/therapist for your own well-being. It is much more a priority than couples counseling or anything else you might think you need after d-day.
Almost nine years ago I struggled to find a counselor who was helpful. And then, when I did, I had become ill and was unable to keep appointments (telemed was not yet an option.) And now hindsight reveals that I should have asked specifically for help AVOIDING LETTING THE STRESS AFFECT MY HEALTH.
I could tell that the stress over the 3-4 years that it took my wife to finally "get" it and to stop deflecting and being defensive all the time took a huge toll on my health. My doctors even told me that the stress was causing damage. I did all I knew to do to address the ongoing relentless stress of reconciling with a partner who was unremorseful, defensive, angry, and afraid of counseling. (This has now been resolved and she is now doing remarkably better since regular counseling. In fact, I envy her group sessions!) But the damage was already done. 😢
Please seek help with
• Panic attacks/or stress overload
• Breathing! After months of fight-or-flight stress and a lot of shallow rapid breathing, or conversely, involuntary breath-holding, I developed panic disorder related respiratory alkalosis. From overbreathing. It’s miserable.
• After over a year pinning all my physical symptoms on overbreathing, I discovered that the stress and unresolved symptoms had actually been early symptoms of myalgic encephalomyelitis — chronic fatigue syndrome. This now is a permanent, horribly progressive, and totally disabling condition.
• Now, in addition to guilt and shame over cheating on me, my wife is also painfully aware that she has caused me terrible and irreversible damage.
• I have other medical issues that combined with ME/CFS to bring me to a point of being nearly 100% housebound, frequently bedbound, too sensitive to be touched and comforted, and unable to be intimate. You may recall if you have been here a while — I’m the one who "just needed a hug." Now she is wanting to give me those hugs constantly, and I can’t physically tolerate them. So now I deal emotionally with that, too!
I wish I could share this with unrepentant or waffling cheaters. Infidelity is not something you can just "get over." And for betrayed who try to stay positive while inside they are falling apart — you don’t have to pretend to be ok. It is better for you to be honest with yourself than to suppress your feelings to the point where you succumb to an illness, worsening of one, or develop symptoms like I did that are hard to or are rarely diagnosed right away. All my doctors agreed my health was suffering because of the stress, but not one provided any genius about how to prevent that from ballooning into this.
ME/CFS is miserable. When you are moderate to severe ME, and in a flare (PEM, or post exertional malaise) following activity or stress, you literally feel like death warmed over. ME is a disorder that results when your body can no longer produce the energy you need to do tasks — thinking included. It’s effects can range from just requiring slowing down a bit and pacing, to becoming so disabled you can’t work, to being so fatigued you become bedbound and dependent on care givers for feeding and hygiene. Sensitivity to light, sounds, smells, even vibrations can become excruciating sources of pain. Vertigo, nausea, and overstimulation become every day obstacles to leading the life you thought was normal. You spend all your time metering activity, resting, and hoping for minor improvements, because life had been stripped of normalcy. For instance, I can no longer watch a movie or tv series that has lots of action, conflict, movement, emotion, or intense soundtracks. Season 2 of "The Bear" triggered a crash I’m still trying to recover from, even though I loved the show. I’ve always loved passion and intensity — but now they are dangerous for me.
I wish doctors and counselors were aware that one’s body functions can become overtaxed and even damaged or destroyed by the stress of infidelity. Most doctors, however, are ignorant or woefully unaware/uneducated about ME/CFS, and unfortunately most therapists use CBT which has been demonstrated to have adverse effects on ME patients, actually making them worse. ME is not FIBRO, or depression, or deconditioning: in fact, increasing activity which is almost always prescribed for depression is contraindicated in ME. It can cause rapid worsening, often unrecoverable with permanent damage.
Had I known all this, I would have known what to request of my providers. I would have asked each one to describe the worst that could come from my constant fight-or-flight stress and what kind of treatments, meds, or therapy might prevent my body from losing its ability to heal from it.
Oh … by the way … the marriage is better. My wife has uncovered, and is working hard, on issues that led to her poor choices and anger issues. She’s a great caregiver -- and I will need this for the rest of my life. I’m happy for her, as she has benefitted in more ways that imagined from her therapy.
But unfortunately, I’m permanently broken. And I’m stuck with how to deal with the fact that the biggest contribution to my illness was the infidelity and it’s horrible aftermath. And I have to watch my wife struggle to hide her shame that she caused this.
Please seek help so you can stay ‘normal healthy.’ I’ve forgotten totally what that feels like. 😢
4 comments posted: Friday, July 19th, 2024
Update: Finally, after 7+ years my wife is seeking help
Many of the old-timers here know my story. My wife engaged in a secret affair with her ex-girlfriend in 2015 (d-day 10/04/15). She immediately ended it, cutting contacts with her ex. We struggled with therapy for a couple years, but she never made any significant progress. There were years of TT and it took here over 3-4 years to stop being defensive or dismissive. We have been doing much better the last couple years.
Sometime in the last 12-18 months a series of events and some random contacts helped her become aware that her anger and poor handling of the aftermath, which have caused me major stress and health issues, could possibly have stemmed from military service related sexual trauma. (My wife was sexually assaulted three times during her service in the Army.) She has met with a counselor and has been given a PTSD diagnosis. She will be seeking treatment (talk therapy) and filing a claim for MST benefits, as her experiences caused the development of unhealthy patterns of conflict resolution, that caused problems in many areas of her life and that in part led her to engage in her "escape" affair. It is possible we may also receive some couples therapy as well, which I know I will need by how I am physically reacting to each of her new discoveries and the issues she is dealing with.
I think at this time I am feeling the loss of time "wasted" by her refusal to address her issues earlier. It has greatly contributed to my mental and physical health declines. I now find I need to learn how to handle my anger about being a victim of her cruel and unempathetic reactions to my pain after d-day. And Omg — I tear up and tense up when I hear her apologize and acknowledge her part in this this. Where was THAT when I needed it?
Just thought I’d post an update.
7 comments posted: Wednesday, June 21st, 2023
Wife finally doing what she needed to do 8 years ago
We are in "affair season" right now: the affair was just getting up to speed this time of year, 8 years ago. My wife dragged her feet on IC until about a year had passed and she learned she was eligible for free counseling through the VA. She probably didn’t go for more that 6-8 visits or so, saying her counselor seemed to be more focused on another issue.
She should have continued back then, for many reasons, but to help me was an important one. But my wife was cowardly and selfishly did all she could to protect herself from having to face her betrayal of me, or digging around in her past to see if there were old wounds that were preventing it.
Now she had learned that she can file a claim for sexual trauma that occurred during her nearly four years in the military back in the 80’s. She very well may qualify for benefits due to her experiences. But she must be evaluated, diagnosed with PTSD, and treat with a psychologist. And I am all for this — fully supportive.
But I am struggling with this as well. I am suffering some pretty awful permanent physical and emotional damage from her years of foot dragging, TT, defensiveness, and some uncharacteristic cruelty that is likely a result of her past trauma. Normally I would say I’ll benefit too if she qualifies for disability, but the timeline for the whole process is not giving me much hope. I’ve suffered some irreversible damage to my nervous system that I get to deal with, while she works to off-load her issues. And no amount of money will undo or fix what stress has done to my health. Just facing this is triggering me, because it still feels like this will be all about her … and it’s too late for me. It’s a crap way to feel, but to be honest, I’ve had to accept so much just to survive. She is my caregiver. I’m hoping at least she might learn how to deal with me as my health continues to decline. I’m feeling pretty much like "leftovers" and a burden … instead of the person she’d do absolutely anything to protect and keep safe, as she stated
in her marriage vows 9 years ago.
I’m overwhelmed. Exhausted. In constant physical discomfort and pain. Battle-scarred. Disappointed. Sad.
6 comments posted: Monday, May 22nd, 2023
