Me: BW
Him: XWH
Married 19 years, together 22 years
2 kids, 8 and 15
DDay #1 May 2010, OC born 2011
DDay #2 March 2016; moved 1500 miles away with OW#2 and her kids for a job.
Divorced May 2017
Not my circus, not my mon

Help...was dumped out of the blue. Looking for wisdom.

Hi all,
It has been years since I have been here. SI helped me through the worst time in my life and unfortunately I'm back to share and to provide support too.

I dipped my toes in the dating pool for the first time since my divorce 6 years ago. It was with a friend (and next door neighbor) who was a widower. We started as friends, it grew more intimate and wonderful and he suddenly ended it last month with a "it's me not you" he's not in a good place to date, stressed/burned out at work, drinking too much to cope, and can't be a reliable dating partner.

It has been a month and I'm still really struggling. I'm in therapy, going to the gym regularly. Just feeling so down/depressed and I deeply miss my friend. Plus, it is bringing up all of the old feelings of being abandoned, rejected, and unwanted by my ex. I did SO much work in therapy on this and here it is. Still working on this in therapy...

Any words of wisdom you have to share? I have another date planned this weekend, but my heart isn't in it. I'm thinking of taking a break to lick my wounds.
Questions for you all -
- how do you manage dating after divorce/abandonment? When do you know you are ready?
- Is there ever a possibility of being friends with an ex? We started as friends and I love his companionship. He's not in a great place and has his own dragons to slay, but we did have a strong bond as friends. Or is this just really foolish.
Thanks for your support.

2 comments posted: Tuesday, December 5th, 2023

request for parenting advice

hi all,

it's been a long time since I've been on this forum. Overall things are much better since my D in 2017, moving on and the trauma/pain has mostly subsided. Building a life for myself with great friends and family. However, I'm dealing with a situation with my 12-year-old son and wanted to hear from this group.

In 2016, my now XH moved 1000 miles away with OW, her three kids, got married, and they had two more kids of their own. He was the stereotypical Disney dad - a workaholic who took the kids on fun adventures when they were down there over the summer/school breaks. For years my son was traumatized at his dad's departure - he was depressed, threatened self harm/suicide multiple times, and after multiple violent acting out he was enrolled in an intensive treatment program last spring. Since then he's been doing better, no rages, no calls to the police, and he is passing school and has some good friends in the neighborhood.

Lately, he's been talking with his dad about moving down to where they are and simultaneously growing more distant with me. I make an effort for 1 on 1 time several times a week, but truly I cannot compare to his dad's set up - they have a 50 acre horse farm, dozens of animals and pets, 5 kids, many adults he can hang out with, a pool, trampoline, 4x4s he can drive, my X is teaching my son how to drive his manual Camaro, bringing him for helicopter lessons (hello? what happened to soccer and little league?!). I feel scared about losing my son to this world. I've tried to be a force of consistency, stability, love and kindness esp after his dad's departure and now feel roundly unwanted by him. Help please! I have always been close with my son and feel the (possibly normal tween needs?) pull away from mom and his desire to be close to his dad. I know I have blinders on - resentment, jealousy, fear to name a few. Help me see this clearly. What would you do in this situation?

5 comments posted: Sunday, September 27th, 2020