Please tell me this is normal
So everybody knows what an abusive ass hat my soon-to-be ex is. And I know very well why we can't stay together and why I have to get away from him. But every once in a while, I still miss him. Obviously I don't miss the verbal abuse. I don't miss being jerked around. Of course I don't miss why he tried to make me feel bad about myself and undermine my confidence. But right now my entire life is nothing but work and school. My friends are never available on the rare occasions when I am. I never do anything for fun these days. I really even have a meaningful conversation with anyone anymore. Honestly, I'm lonely. And at times like this sometimes I get to missing him. Because we really did used to have a lot of fun sometimes. He was usually up for some kind of Adventure until the last year or so when he got so weird and mean. He would watch any kind of a movie with me even if it was something he never wanted to watch on his own. We always had things to talk about. So yeah, sometimes I really really miss him. This is normal, right? It feels nuts to miss somebody who treated me so badly.
10 comments posted: Thursday, July 8th, 2021
Second semsester milestone and some insights
Hey, y'all!
Well my second semester of paramedic school has come to a close. They say that was the hardest semester, and I came through it. I did it even in spite of the emotional chaos inside me, a bunch of work drama, and having to catch up academically and in my clinical hours because I came into this semester far behind. Apparently I have one of the higher averages in the class, which came as a real surprise to me. After so many months of struggling just to keep up and just trying to cram enough facts into my head to pass each test, I am finally starting to assimilate the knowledge and knit all these random facts together into a coherent whole. I feel more and more like my old self every day.
There will be one more semester of class work, and then I will be doing nothing but interning and of course working for pay. So that means I am halfway through this year of challenge and 2/3 through the worst of it. I cannot wait to start the next semester and continue on my educational journey!
Kiddo and I are happy in our cute little camper. We tore all the built in furniture out and made it more like a tiny house. There are still some things that need done, but over all we love it because it is ours.
My daughter (a trans woman) is getting the help she needs with her transition. She started a new job and chose to present as female from the get go. She likes new the company better than the one where we worked together (I still work there.) . Her girlfriend just recently left her own abusive home situation and now lives with an aunt not far from us. The three of us had a No-Fathers-Day picnic last Sunday.
As for STBX, I barely hear anything from him. After he told me he wants nothing to do with me, I have had absolutely no inclination to talk to him beyond just the basics, like if I need to discuss a situation about our never-ending bankruptcy or a bill from the house or something like that. Honestly, who needs that kind of irritation?
I have been reading a lot. I have read a bunch of books like the one BetterTimesAhead recommends about the covert narcissist, and more in that vein. I have realized a few things that are worth mentioning here:
1. We never truly had R. Not even after retrouvaille, when everything seemed better, did we really have it. Even the times I thought were the best, were still tainted with misery, sorrow, and irritation. I was frequently walking on eggshells and didn't even realize it until I looked back and thought about how many times I tried to put a happy face on things.
2. He was deeply abusive from the beginning of the marriage, and even before that. There were certain things I really liked about myself. My natural intelligence (I used to belong to Mensa), the fact that I earned my Bachelors degree while I was in the Army, my ability to enjoy sex in spite of my history of sexual abuse....These were all things I enjoyed and cherished about myself. These were the exact traits he attacked. He told me ridiculous things like, people think I am a snob because I come off as "too educated" and that I think I am "too good for them" and so on. He took my sexuality (Lets just be honest, I used to be dynamite in the sack) and turned it into something ugly, telling me I was too needy, too demanding, too much work.... and then leaving me to languish for weeks at a time while he amused himself with pornography and who knows what else. I used to be model-pretty, and he made me feel ugly, diminished, and defective. I could probably list off a dozen different personality traits he attacked in this way, but you get the picture. And don't even get me started on the way he got into my weaknesses and insecurities and weaponized those!
He also undermined me, all the time, about everything. Whether it was breast feeding, or my career goals, or saving money, or keeping the house neat, he seemed to purposely go against whatever I was trying to do. I have noticed this from the beginning, but chalked it up to an annoying personality trait. Now I see it as a form of abuse.
3. Looking back, I believe he had numerous emotional affairs with co-workers. There were little things that didn't sit right with me at the time, but I didn't put it together at the time. If I said anything, he would accuse me of being jealous, petty, blah blah blah. He claims he never slept with anyone else, and stresses "and that's what counts!" That might actually be true, how would I know? But he maintains he was "always faithful" and claims the things he did with that swedish whore and all his pornography don't mean anything/don't count. etc.
4. I doesn't matter anyway because I can never picture myself trusting him ever again. He is just too good at lying and I am too good at believing him. Even if he confessed to everything I suspect, how would I ever know that was all there was to know? I told him from the beginning I would not tolerate a man I could not trust.
5. I no longer care why he is the way he is. I came from a home environment every bit as bad or probably worse than his, and I did not choose to abuse or manipulate people. In fact, I made a conscious choice to NOT be that kind of person. He did what his did because he wanted to, and because I let him. His choices are the reason our marriage failed. I did all I could to try to get the marriage to work.
6. The sad irony of all this is, if he had been even half the man he pretended to be, we would have had a really great life. I would have been a doctor. I would have been an officer in the Army. After my commitment was up, I would have been able to renew my commission or rejoin civilian life with my residency completed and no student debt. He could have attended college for almost nothing (if he chose). We could have lived on Army bases around the world. We could have lived comfortably and within our means, while still being able to enjoy traveling and having nice things.
STBXWH threw away a good woman. I am strong, loyal, faithful, loving, and a bunch of other great qualities. I was a good wife to him, even though he worked hard to convince me otherwise. I tried my damndest to make that doomed marriage work. I tried to see the good in him. I forgave him again, and again, and again. I have racked my poor brain trying to figure out what my part in all this was (on top of everything else I am asking that poor organ to do right now!) and honestly, I think really the only thing I did wrong was stick around for so long and love him so blindly. I just refused to see the red flags because I truly wanted things to work between us.
[This message edited by WarriorPrincess at 9:43 PM, June 26th (Saturday)]
24 comments posted: Saturday, June 26th, 2021
Online dating, why not!
School keeps me way too busy to actually go out and meet people. Hell, I barely have time to walk my dogs! And I really don't want to start anything right now, anyway. But I do want to look around a little bit and see if I can't just see some men who might be worth knowing. You know, just for fun.
So what is a good online dating site? I am probably only going to join one. And what are some good tips to attract actual conversation-worthy humans, not just bots or weirdos?
12 comments posted: Monday, May 10th, 2021
Email address
Edited due to inappropriate content
[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:15 AM, December 30th (Wednesday)]
0 comment posted: Monday, December 28th, 2020
Midwest g2g???
Who would like to have a Chicago-area g2g this summer? I would love to organize one.
5 comments posted: Sunday, March 12th, 2017
Need a decent, inexpensive keylogger
I can't afford a lot, but I need something that can be installed on windows laptops and/or android phones. He isn't a tech kind of guy, so I don't really need anything too complex or sneaky. (seriously, I often wonder how he could have had an affair mainly through his phone when he can barely work it.)
I have been checking up on him through google, but it is confusing and I just found out I can't stop the chrome on his phone from opening incognito windows.
I don't even really think he is doing anything, but when I start feeling scared, it is nice to peek and reassure myself nothing is happening. Now I can't even feel good about that!
1 comment posted: Wednesday, March 1st, 2017
What does this mean: com.htc.sense.mms
I found this in his google history:
Used com.htc.sense.mms
Does anyone know what it is? He has an HTC Desire 510 phone.
I have a newer HTC desire, but it doesnt show up in my history.
5 comments posted: Tuesday, November 29th, 2016
Digital investigations corp
Has anyone used this service? They claim the can extract all sorts of information from phones.I am planning to send them WH's old phone to see what they can find out.
3 comments posted: Wednesday, November 23rd, 2016
EaseUS????
They claim they can recover deleted Hangouts history. Has anybody tried it?
2 comments posted: Wednesday, November 2nd, 2016
mSpy is having a sale
Just visited the mSpy site and found out they are having a 15% off halloween sale. Just sayin'. 
1 comment posted: Friday, October 28th, 2016
google questions???
i have a couple of questions aout using google/chrome to track wh's online activities. for example,
1. why does MY chrome history show what i do on my laptop, chromebook, and phone, whenever i check it on my laptop, chromebook or phone, but when i check his history from his account on my laptop, i only see activity from the laptop?
2. how can i fix #1 above?
3. why does it show me that stuff he did 10 minutes ago happened yesterday?
4. it seems like the times and dates things happened are inconsistent between different parts of google. for instance, if it shoes he viewd something at 10 am today in his history, it might show him viewing the same thing at 3 pm yesterday when i look at his google acount activity, and maybe he really looked at it at 6 pm yestereday and i know that for a fact because I was with him. why is this, and how do I resolve it?
3 comments posted: Monday, October 24th, 2016
So now what??
first. let me just vent a little and say, I HATE LIVING LIKE THIS!!! i really hate checking up on him. i am not a sneaky person by nature and this is very sneaky. i cant believe my life has turned into twice weekly checking up on my husband.
what i really cant believe is that, according to google, he took almost 2 hours to get home from work saturday and so when i investigated further, i found that google put him in a park or forest preserve several miles away from the expressway he takes to come home. he also searched the location of a park.
yep, i know what this looks like. it looks like he is doing exactly what he claims he stopped doing months ago.
the only problem i have here (besides just downright not wanting to believe this) is that google is really not all that accurate with places and times. for instance, it does not show he was in places where i know for sure he was. for example, it does not always show he even stopped at his work when i know he did because he sends me a picture of the time clock each day when he clocks out. (unless he has figured out some way to lie about that, too 
)
so now i am back to wanting a gps for his car and one for his phone. i am probably going to go with mSpy for the phone, because everyone says such great things about it. but I need an ACCURATE gps for the POS car that will tell me exactly where the car has been. if he is still at it, eventually he will figure out to get a burner phone and hide or turn off the regular one. but if he doesnt know about the one in the car, then he will not be able to turn it off.
recommendations, please.
insight from DM especially appreciated.
11 comments posted: Monday, October 24th, 2016
1TopSpy?
It is supposed to recover old google hangouts messages. Has anybody ever tried or heard of it?
0 comment posted: Friday, September 30th, 2016
Does anyone live in Sweden?
Does anyone here live in Sweden? I need someone to check on who works at a certain business.
0 comment posted: Thursday, September 29th, 2016
Dr Fone/Google hangouts
Can Dr Fone for Android recover deleted Google Hangouts information?
4 comments posted: Thursday, September 29th, 2016
Snooping 101
I am getting ready to start tracking WH's movements, both online and IRL. I know I will need some equipment and I am looking for ANY kind of recommendations, as well as anything I might have forgotten.
I know I will need the following:
Key logger, parental control software, and GPS tracker for HTC android phone
key logger and parental control for Chromebook and Windows 7 laptop
GPS tracker for car
I think a VAR would be useless because he listens to talk radio all the time, and really loudly, too. If there was something that would allow me to listen inside the car in real time, that might be more helpful.
Please somebody help!
10 comments posted: Tuesday, September 20th, 2016
Question about Google Hangouts
I found the following when I clicked on the acount history for WH's secret google account:
Activity on this account
This feature provides information about the last activity on this mail account and any concurrent activity. Learn more
This account does not seem to be open in any other location. However, there may be sessions that have not been signed out.
Sign out all other web sessions
Recent activity:
Access Type [ ? ]
(Browser, mobile, POP3, etc.) Location (IP address) [ ? ] Date/Time
(Displayed in your time zone)
Browser (Chrome) Show details * United States (MI) (184.20.123.152) 11:11 pm (1 minute ago)
Browser (Chrome) Show details * United States (MI) (184.20.123.152) 9:04 pm (2 hours ago)
Browser (Chrome) Show details * United States (MI) (184.20.123.152) 6:07 pm (5 hours ago)
Browser (Chrome) Show details * United States (MI) (184.20.123.152) 4:31 pm (6 hours ago)
Browser (Chrome) Show details * United States (MI) (184.20.123.152) 3:31 pm (7 hours ago)
Browser (Chrome) Show details * United States (MI) (184.20.123.152) Sep 7 (1 day ago)
Browser (Chrome) Show details * United States (MI) (184.20.123.152) Sep 7 (1 day ago)
Browser (Chrome) Show details * United States (MI) (184.20.123.152) Sep 7 (1 day ago)
Browser (Chrome) Show details * United States (MI) (184.20.123.152) Sep 7 (1 day ago)
Browser (Chrome) Show details * United States (MI) (184.20.123.152) Sep 7 (1 day ago)
Alert preference: Show an alert for unusual activity.
These all look like they were done with my laptop, and we were not even home at some of the times shown. How do I interpret this?
1 comment posted: Thursday, September 8th, 2016
Help with H.T.C. android phone
I want to put a key logger, gps tracker, and porn filter on WH's phone. I tried to put one on, and it messed up the GPS when he needed to use it for work, locked the phone at random times, and didn't do anything it was supposed to do.
Any suggestions?
0 comment posted: Thursday, September 8th, 2016
