Dday 2/28/16 False R. Then D-day's 2,3,4 in July & August 2016. More uncovered February 2018. Almost 4 years, still on a healing journey

I need to make changes

I need to make some big changes in my life and I don’t know how.

I’m depressed, angry, frustrated, confused.

I feel like I don’t even know where to go from here. I’m trying to do new things like connect with friends, go to meditation workshops and other forms of holistic healing.

I started working our regularly, taking time for myself.

I talked with my husband for 2+ hours the other night he is saying he’s willing to work on the marriage. It’s been 6+ years since any infidelity.

I continue to post the same things over and over on here. I went back to look at old posts.

I’m trying to get into a psychiatrist to see if there is actually something mentally wrong with me, plus a therapist but I’ve been down that road before and I’m still here.

How can I even start. I feel so hopeless.

8 comments posted: Thursday, February 2nd, 2023

Stuck

I feel so stuck. I’m still not happy or feel like WH prioritizes me.

6 years out.

He says I say hurtful things to cut him down & beat him down emotionally which is at least partially true.

From my perspective I usually do it when I’ve had enough. Enough of his drinking and going out or just general disassociation and "checking out".
He says he "checks out" because of my meanness & disrespect.

So it’s a vicious cycle. I want to try to break it but he never wants to talk about it.

I tried tonight and was met with "you manipulated me into having this conversation by threatening to leave me if I didn’t talk to you"

He calls me manipulative and controlling frequently but I just don’t see it.

I really think it’s fair for me to say "if you don’t want to work on these issues I’m going to leave"

But then he’ll seemingly "work" on it but say I manipulated him into it.

I definitely don’t want to manipulate him into working on the marriage. But if he doesn’t want to work on things shouldn’t it be fair for me to want to leave.

I’m trapped in this cycle and I have no clue what to do.

18 comments posted: Tuesday, January 31st, 2023

Feeling lost.

I’m really stuggling.

I have on and off felt like I want a divorce almost my whole marriage even before the A.

H can be a heavy drinker & binge drinks from time to time, staying out all night. Was spotty with wearing a wedding ring.

It really really bothers me.

He got some crappy silicone rings he wears but I find them every where, they are too big and he’s just lazy.

He reeks like weed and it smelled in part of our house where the kids hang out so I was really upset. He smokes and/or drinks almost daily. Doesn’t want to quit, doesn’t think it’s a problem. Says he’s going to have "ups and downs no one is perfect"

He just seems so immature and is an emotional roller coaster and I struggle with disassociating from it.

I have a higher sex drive than him which I feel is totally wasted because he’s high on weed or buzzed and just acts weird all the time. I just want a partner to feel safe with, hang out with, enjoy simple things together- movies, walks, coffee literally ANYTHING.

He claims he wants to have sex but rarely initiates and I feel like I do "all the work" he would disagree.

He swears up and down there is no infidelity of any kind, no porn.

It seems impossible to divorce for so many reasons, we’re just so intertwined with family, finances, businesses. It’s so much & so overwhelming.

I toss around the idea of an open marriage and he says "I’m not opposed to it." But I don’t even know where to begin with that & I don’t trust him to be honest and handle things maturely which I know is required with true polyamory.

We’ve been through years of therapy. YEARS! Both individual and couple.

It’s been 17 years together. 3 kids the WHOLE deal.

I’m not totally miserable, we’ll maybe I am I wouldn’t know the difference. What is wrong with me, how do I begin to heal myself or even figure out what I want or where to begin.

9 comments posted: Thursday, December 1st, 2022