Considering Separation / Divorce

I’ve been on SI and other boards since about 6 months after dday 1.

My attempt at a brief history is below.

The Good:

Met my WW in High School (late 90’s), we are HS Sweethearts. We were each others first and only sexual partners. We married in 2004 after a long engagement (7 years together when married). We had our son in mid 2000’s, both have well established, good paying careers, have owned homes, sold, moved up the property ladder and are in our dream neighbourhood and have been for 10+ years. Life has its ups and downs, but we have had a good relationship overall. We split household chores and we are well aligned in terms of our parenting.

The Bad:

I had suspicions prior to dday that my WW had been unfaithful. I did raise my concerns and up until 2012, her explanations seemed to be believable. In 2012, she lost a parent, grandmother and was struggling with clinical depression. She was medicated and was seeing a Psychiatrist and she seemed to be doing better. I had expressed my concerns about how much time she was spending with coworkers (working on a charitable project that was near and dear to her based on the recent loss of one of her parents). She took time off work in 2013 after a falling out with said coworker and he lack of dealing with the loss in 2012. She was off for about 3 months and returned to work. There were still outings with other coworkers and a male friend she has known longer than me.

Dday 1 was July 2015. I snooper her email and found evidence of a PA with a coworker (not who I had thought, a coworker that I knew nothing about). My world came crashing down. I confronted her than night and she admitted to a ONS prior to marriage. I pressed more and she admitted to the PA with this coworker.

We struggled for months going back and forth because what little evidence I had did not make sense when compared to her story. I dug and pestered for months and months. Found an EA with the coworker I had suspicions about, but no PA.

I’ve had 2 more ddays, no new sexual partners or anything, but important details that she was too embarrassed to admit to.

After dday 3, I had enough. I demanded she attend intensive IC or we are done. To her credit, she did, and made progress on her self worth and boundaries with men. To date, I have checked on her and have found nothing. She has been (after dday 3) a model remorseful spouse.

We did attend counseling together and she continued her IC until the IC moved. Life was…okay, but I really struggled with acceptance.

Fast forward to this weekend, we fought about the lack of sex. We used to be physical 3-4 times / week, now it’s once per week. I’ve also struggled with ED since dday 1. Medication has addressed the getting started part, but I struggled and still do struggle with finishing. Even with our frequency being once per week, this still hasn’t addressed my issue of finishing. This isn’t the first time we have had this discussion and she agrees that her libido has dropped and so has mine. I suggested maybe 2 times per week and see where it goes. She responded with a fairly typical response, which was "well, we will have sex daily and you can’t say no". I get her response but that isn’t what I was getting at, but anyway, it degraded into us talking very little and being pissed with each other.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what is holding me back in terms of R. This spat we had over the weekend wasn’t a huge fight, but it got me thinking about where I am at in terms of R.

I’m had a tough conversation with my WE yesterday and did mention to her that I feel the biggest issue that I can’t get over is the disrespect she showed me during her A’s and the 3 year period after dday. The continual lying, gaslighting, withholding information, trying to control the outcome, etc.

For me, I am proud that I don’t owe anyone anything (other than a faceless bank or lender). I get a lot of pride out of being able to cut people out of my life that are toxic. My WW would be at the top of my "cut" list, but of course, I have the internal struggle between my heart and my head, and I believe this is what is holding me back.

That was way longer than I wanted it to be, but any comments about the disrespect and things I can do to work through this specifically would be appreciated.

I did tell my WW that I am willing to invest in MC to see if I can work through this with a professionals help. But also said that I can’t live this way for much longer and that it may come to S or D.

I know this is my issue and is up to me to deal with it. Thank you.

7 comments posted: Wednesday, May 3rd, 2023

Raging right now!!!

I am 7 years from dday 1. It took years to pull more and more details from my WW. About 3 years after dday 1, I believe I got most of the truth, as much as any of us get.

Over time, I’ve slowly stopped checking on my WW (emails, text messages, etc.), as I felt we had turned a corner. I will say, my WW has done some work when it comes to R. She’s done IC (after an ultimatum), she has established boundaries with men, she has checked in at points when she feels I may be needing it. So far so good.

One thing that has always bothered me is two fold.

1. She spent time with a friend of mine while I was working (this is many years ago, prior to marriage). After dday, my eyes were opened and I remembered back to this time in our relationship. I saw a lot of smoke….and I brought this up to my WW after dday. I told her that I believe something had occurred with this friend. She denies it fully. Now, there was one instance of "phone sex" or mutual masterbation that she told me about many years ago, basically called me crying telling me what had happened. This should have been my first red flag. I was mad but at the time, didn’t feel it was that bad. I now know better. So, I’ve cut this person from my life a long time ago but my WW is still connected with him on FB. I have asked her over the years and most recently around the pandemic, if she had had any communication with him. My WW said that she hadn’t talked with him for years.

Today, I decide to check her Messenger chats. I search for this guy and there is a convo from the early days of the pandemic. A couple of back and forth messages, then stopped.

I see the last message (6 or so months after the last message) from him, that said "had a dream last night and you were the star of the show". There was no reply from my WW, or any further messages were deleted, who knows.

I lost it when I saw it. I messaged her and asked her to check her messages and asked her to explain the last message he sent and given that I believe there was more to her initial story, to explain. She replied that she didn’t respond to him at all, that she knew exactly what I was referring to and that she ignored it because she didn’t want to engage him. She tells me she is being honest and didn’t delete the message to demonstrate she wasn’t hiding anything. She went on to say "I’ve had zero contact". I pointed to messages in early 2020 as contact. She said nothing since these messages. She never told me he reached out in early 2020 and I KNOW I have asked her a few times if there has been any contact.

I got a bunch of "I’ve been 100% honest, haven’t deleted anything, I’ve lied in the past to you but I didn’t lie about contact". This feel like gaslighting to me. I am not the same man I was 7 years ago. My eyes are wide open, and I know my WW is capable of doing terrible things.

2. She had a male friend that she had known before we met (we were HS sweethearts) that continued until about 6 years ago. I wasn’t ever threatened by this guy but during her PA in 2012, there was a period where she did spent a lot of time with him. After dday, I brought him up and said I feel there is more to this than what she told me. She maintained that they never had any physical contact, ever. Dday 3 comes along and she admits that she propositioned this guy dozens of times over the years but he never took the bait. I find this to be hard to believe. Why wouldn’t a single guy take what he could get, I mean, she was basically throwing herself at him.

I’m just so tired of this sh!t!! I believe a poly is in order. Maybe a poly will back up what she is saying. At the very least, and if she were to pass, I would have something more than her word to base my feelings on.

She is at work and I am WFH and so I haven’t been able to sit with her to really discuss this. I’m at the end of my rope with this crap. I feel she might agree with doing a poly, then end up with a parking lot confession. Fine, if that’s what has to happen for me to get the truth so be it. I will have some huge decisions to make if she isn’t honest with me. Don’t give a sh!t if it’s embarrassing for her. Tough, she brought this on, not me.

Thanks for letting me rant a bit and wanted to get some feedback on this situation.

18 comments posted: Wednesday, October 5th, 2022