Seven years after the D I will have to be in the same room with the EX

It’s my son’s wedding, and his mom will be there. The event - two evenings, first a "rehearsal dinner" and then the wedding, is in late September.I’m trying to keep it classy and politely formal, not mention, my inner turmoil to my son and his fiancé (and daughter who will also be there) = how anxious and unhappy I am at the prospect of being in the room with the ex. Also, some of her family may be there - her brothers. Some of my relatives will be there - an aunt and uncle and cousins. I’ve talked to them a little bit about helping me avoid awkward situations, Ike getting trapped in conversations I don’t want to have.

I’ve been totally non-contact with the ex. I don’t want her to know anything about me (that was her choice, right? she divorced me, that means I’m no longer any of her business. She’s still, I gather from info dropped inadvertently from friends, with the bf she cheated on me with. My son asked on her behalf if she and bring a "plus-one," and I could also. said no. The wedding is for my son and his fiancé, not to parade paramours. I’m dating someone currently, but I not seriously enough to bring to a family event like a wedding. I certainly don’t want to be thinking about being in the same room as the bf instead of focusing on the wedding.

This is how the ex works. The message behind it is "aren’t you over it, yet?" And If I say "no," then she’s made the point that I am unreasonable. I "should" be over it, in other words. It’s the kind of manipulation I’m trying to avoid by going non-contact. I’m sure she would love to push me into supporting whatever micromanagement schemes or worries she has on the children. I’m also upset that she apparently knows I’m dating.

My aunt blurted out some things about how I should get over it "for the children’s sake." That threw me for a loop. The children are in their 30s. I’m not going to "get over it" for the sake of everyone else’s convenience, or because they’ve been fed fairy tales about happy endings. My feeling is that she’s my abuser, the way she treated me did some real trauma. It’s like sitting down for dinner with the person who shot my dog. Some things just can’t be got over.

I want to be at my son’s wedding, but I want to enjoy myself, and at this rate, I’m just going to be a bundle of nerves.

I tell myself it’ll be like when I returned to the family home to sell it after living overseas for a three years. Once I actually got into the house, there were some rocky moments - unpleasant memories and feelings came up, but I got used to it. I suppose it will be like that. Knowing it doesn’t help though.

Anyone else gone through this? Tips? Advice?

9 comments posted: Saturday, August 17th, 2024

Daughter a cheater?

My adult daughter (mid-30s) who lives on the other side of the country just called and said she and her husband are having problems, are having "honest, difficult conversations" about what they want in life. And one problem - she was having a hard time telling me this - was that she’d "kissed a co-worker." She said she knew that might be hard for me to hear given what happened to me (her mother cheated on me).

I didn’t have a lot of time to talk to her, and, yes it was hard on me to hear this. All I could muster was that I told her they had to be honest with each other.

I don’t know how to handle this. I’m extremely unhappy with her now - just going on the little she told me. I know from this forum and my own experiences that "kissed a co-worker" is a huge red flag.

27 comments posted: Monday, February 27th, 2023

Broken family dynamics

Background: divorced 2017, now living abroad, unattached. Two adult children (30s), one on each coast, each with spouse/partner. X-wife lives near son.

Situation: son just entered counseling. We had a long Skype call last night about his two main issues: 1) his desire to get a new job/career, held back by anxieties, lack of confidence, overwhelming prospect of things he’d have to do to prepare for a job change. 2) whether or not to have a child (!).

My quandary: how much do i tell him about his childhood? I feel some information would be helpful for therapy, but it would involve criticizing his mother, which is something I have been trying not to do.

He may not be speaking to her right now. He mentioned something about it a few months ago. I gather he’s been urging him to do things he doesn’t want to do. He’s been a master of passive resistance since he was a toddler.

I want to tell him I wasn’t the best of parents when he was small. I was exhausted by parenting his older sister, and by my freelance business. When he started talking, my son talked like me - in a very flat, exhausted voice. My wife, bless her, pointed this out to me, and triumphantly showed me video of him talking, and me not really paying attention to what he was saying. Triumphant because it proved her point that I was being a poor parent. Our marriage was marred by many frustrating (to me) arguments about my flaws. My take on things was always wrong, which she could "prove" by citing her copious mental notes, and reading into them her own interpretations, which were unassailable. She simply would not consider my point of view.

The lesson from this is that maybe I was not the best of parents at first, and my depression and inability to connect at the time could be the root of some of his problems. But, also, the lesson is that his mother is a gaslighter, possibly a narcissist.

Bring this up, or let him figure it out on his own?

6 comments posted: Sunday, January 16th, 2022

“Tear-stained letter”

Hello, folks. I hope you are all doing well, or at least better.

I haven’t checked in for a long time. The reason I’m here today is that the trauma was stirred up by an email from the X. It wasn’t a classic "tear-stained letter" but close enough to use the phrase - since I love the song by that name by Richard Thompson.

I didn’t read all of it. All I read was "I did love you." And there was stuff about finding some kind of reconciliation. I stopped reading. I’ve been as "non-contact" as possible since the divorce for my own peace of mind. I’m angry and upset to get her email after I’ve told her I don’t want contact. It brings everything up again. She continues to be clueless about this.

Those of you who have had unwanted contact from an X know the feeling - I’m re-traumatized, angry, wanting to respond, to shove some reality in her face, i.e. Contacting me causes pain, that’s why "no-contact." Get a fucking clue. There is not going to be a Disney ending to this.

But, I know it would be useless, she doesn’t understand and will never understand.

but, I know YOU folks will understand.

Just needed to let off some steam. Thanks,

16 comments posted: Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

The dating over 65 in quarantine question

I'm sure this question gets asked often here. Sorry if it is a newbie move.

I'm 67 and fairly adept at technology, but wondering if I'm past the age to use dating apps. Any recommendations?

I'd planned to be meeting people in person this spring and summer, but - then quarantine happened. It occurs to me that people are probably meeting online (Skype, etc), which might be nice (less pressure).

It would also be good for my situation. I'm working abroad. Online dating would not rely on being in the same city or country.

I was divorced a couple of years ago, and have not really been interested in dating or new relationships, but being in isolation has clarified that other people are a basic necessity for me. I think having people to care about - whether within an intimate relationship or not - is vital.

I have my adult kids, but I try not to lean on them too much, or to burden them with my issues.

I have friends in this country, and it is a joy - and educational - to share their lives, but they are not dates for the most part. I enjoy online visits and even meeting in person, but I'd like some a bit more date-like.

9 comments posted: Monday, August 17th, 2020

Re-traumatized

Hello, maybe some of you will remember me from my most recent thread (now closed) “Pressured to make like "happy families"”

In that thread I posted about my emotional and physical struggle to clear out the family home of 35 years - following the bitter and traumatizing separation and divorce. I talked about how it was good to shed material things, wrenching as it can be. I said that though I’d trimmed down to ”the keepers” which I put in a storage-unit while working overseas, I knew I’d eventually have to deal with letting go of those things, too.

And it has come to pass. Unknown to me, the storage company changed ownership, and in the process turned off my automatic payments. The rent was not paid, the bills were coming from a different company, different email address - so were filtered out. The contents were auctioned off.

It’s all legal, I have little recourse, the storage company contract excuses them from all of it. I doubt their insurance policy will cover it

Bad enough, but the way I found out about it was cruel. I was contacted on Facebook by the toad-of-a-man who won the auction. He abruptly informed me that he’d sold or donated all my furnishings (family heirlooms, irreplaceable mementos, stuff I’d selected to set up a new household when I returned), but I could BUY my own original artwork back - for 25 grand. I had two days to decide and then he’d auction it all off and trash all the personal papers and stuff he couldn’t sell. Again, this is all legal. So much for the law standing for fairness and justice - it’s a fairy tale.

The sense of violation and helplessness that I’d spent years getting over since D-Day and the separation overwhelmed me. I”m back to the same state of distraction, anger, despair, and. inability to get anything done.

And at such a great time - I just moved to a new city overseas, and it went into quarantine, and all the class-room teaching jobs evaporated. I need to re-invent myself as an online teacher, but I can’t muster the concentration required.

The demands from the creepy auction guy have softened, he’s put everything he has into another storage unit and he dropped the immediate deadline. He’s willing to give me the personal files if I can’t cough up the amount he wants for the artwork.

I don’t need legal advice or suggestions what to do. I’m going to engage a lawyer to help with that. Believe me, my friends and I have looked into all the aspects and are taking the best course.

I DO need sympathy and understanding for the emotional and mental toll this is taking and how it’s set me back so badly. I know you all will get that part.

21 comments posted: Tuesday, March 31st, 2020